Scam emails are a bit of an art form when done properly. Anyone can send you an email about some kind of new medicine or your bank account being locked (even if you don’t have an account at that bank), but it takes a true wordsmith to draft a letter about being a lost relative with a million zillion dollars and, of course, royalty from a far off land.
Like… outer space?!
— Dr Yuliya Yurchenko (@YPYurchenko) October 28, 2021
Kirstin Munro, an assistant professor at The University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, brought a new kind of scam email to Twitter’s attention, one with potential deadly assassin-like consequences if you don’t answer.
New kind of scammer email just dropped. pic.twitter.com/XqU6QAuJKH
— Kirstin Munro (@kmunroutrgv) October 28, 2021
Clearly, Khalifa Shamoon doesn’t realize what decade this is. We are long past the days of just deleting bizarre scam emails that automatically go to our spam folders. We’re millennials. We share that shit on Twitter and craft together humorous responses.
I’m not stuck in the room with Khalifa, Khalifa’s stuck in the room with me
Twitter is, apparently, full of assassins in training who are ready to go up against someone who’s got an, admittedly, kinda cool assassin name.
“Dear Khalifa,
Your first mistake was warning me, the second was telling me your name.
I’ll see you soon.
Game on.”— what? bobcats *are* scary (@AnarchoBob) October 28, 2021
My reply would be “you better not fucking miss”
— ART RAFFLE PINNEDReiko Ayanami⚛️ (@ReikomaniaVT) October 28, 2021
Or some are just familiar with Fire Emblem.
Dear Khalifa.
You get 25 turns. After that, I will comence my attack. pic.twitter.com/WsclWevwuA
— TakeshiHanataro (@TakeshiHanataro) October 28, 2021
Some, however, have the sense to propose a team-up of sorts – via bank routing numbers, of course.
“Most fascinating. You see, I too am a top assassin, and there has been an amount paid with your name on it. It seems someone is cleaning up loose ends. Please, send me your bank routing number, so we can track this to the source.”
— Helen Heinrich (she/they) (@HelenHeinrich1) October 28, 2021
Others couldn’t believe the audacity of the assassin sending an email. Whatever happened to stealth? At the very least, if you decide to turn your back on the organization and not kill the target, don’t announce it via Gmail!
Always go for a union assassin. They are trained well.
— Riyadh Elalami (@Riyadhelalami) October 28, 2021
Make my death quick and easy, please
Because we’re all a little tired, aren’t we? Especially with the way the past two years (oh my god, it’s almost 2022) have been going. For every “we engage in combat at dawn” response was one that awaited the sweet embrace of a, hopefully, badass death.
Lol saving this just in case I ever get that email
— ʚɞ (@lilfayelamb) October 29, 2021
“Dear Khalifa, I am $13000 in debt and work 55 hours a week. Please hurry with the planned assassination so I don’t have to worry about cooking dinner tomorrow as the oven is also broken. Thank you “
— Diamond Joe Quimby (@AngelGodiva) October 29, 2021
“Nah sis, just go ahead and end me. Make sure I don’t see it coming.
Kind regards.”
— The Konata Guy (@NightmareSnake) October 28, 2021
I know enemies to lovers fic when I see it
“Are you really bad the way I was told?”
I mean there has to be a reason why a warning email was sent first, right? Khalifa could’ve just gone for the kill but they’ve had a change of heart. Do they have to kill again? They’re probably tired of it. The endless violence. The bloodshed.
But there’s something they see in you, something that urges them to reach toward you.
I can change her. https://t.co/HKSb4HjQYO
— Yours Truly, Commander Shepard (@YTCShepard) October 29, 2021
It’s not a scam.
It’s love.
Enemies to lovers, 150k, assassination attempts, pinning, slow burn
— OlliePoppy (@OlliePopke) October 28, 2021
Assassin fic is not typically my jam but the scammers are def just pulling from AO3 now https://t.co/0SFaCyo6NQ
— Con-EEK! (@ConStar24) October 29, 2021
Ok who’s been feeding the scam bots Ao3 fic plots https://t.co/wrSQsdl8l2
— Edgar Allan Bitch (Saf) – Radioactively Ghost Pale (@edgar_a_bitch) October 28, 2021
Of course, having this change of heart comes at a price.
This kind of sounds like the start of a fantasy romance book
They send you a email, you two start talking. And they can’t help but fall in love with you, cuz there is something special about you…You two have crazy adventures and they try to keep you safe from the assassin guild— Ataucei (@ataucei) October 28, 2021
As long as we can bring my wife and find a good home for our cats, I’m game.
Just link me to your hefty assassin bank account, first. It’s not a scam, I promise.
(Image: Focus Features)
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