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Lifetime Just Got Finger-Lickin’ Good With a Titilating Tale of Romance, Herbs, and Spices

If you can't stand the heat get out the Colonel's kitchen.

It’s time for our yearly reminder that Colonel Sanders is an absolute beefcake who only wants to make hotjuicy chicken that puts the spice in those herbs. Last year we were blessed with this dating sim, this year we’re getting a Lifetime “mini-movie” starring Mario Lopez, and really, who better to capture the raw combination of good looks and home cooking?

Yes, this tweet is real.

Yes, this trailer is real.

Tag yourself, I’m the lone Black person in the trailer who’s probably there to guide the heiress toward Mario Lopez Sanders. Oh. And compliment the chicken. That’s probably gonna happen, too. Oh! Maybe that’s who the finger-lickin’ good catchphrase is gonna come from? Please, Lifetime, I only have one wish this Christmas.

If you’re like me you probably remember the rise of the fast-food mascots from years past. This is when we got the personification of sassy Wendy’s fueled by those A+ Tweets from the burger chain. One artist in particular (Ozumii Wizard) brought the chaos to life by, well, making the mascots attractive anime-style characters who range from being extremely relatable (I’m tired too, Dennys) or, in Colonel Sanders’ case, perfect daddy material.

You may have forgotten, or may not have even been aware of it, but KFC delights in reminding all of us that their colonel is oozing with charisma, ready to fry you up the most supple chicken breast you’ve ever tasted.

(Though I’d just like to remind everyone that this is NOT the first time a mascot has been used in branding like this, I worked at GameStop during the Sneak King era when Burger King straight-up made video games about their mascot.)

So what is the plot of Lifetime’s upcoming torrid love affair? Here’s the description from the YouTube page:

As the holidays draw near, a young heiress contends with the affections of a suitor handpicked by her mother. When the handsome chef, Harland Sanders, arrives with his secret fried chicken recipe and a dream, he sets in motion a series of events that unravels the mother’s devious plans. Will our plucky heiress escape to her wintry happily ever after with Harland at her side, or will she cave to the demands of family and duty?

First of all, if that’s the suitor this woman’s mother picked then there’s zero competition. Like. Did this diabolical mother even TRY?! At least make it a challenge for Mario Lopez Sanders.

Secondly, why does it look like the mother is trying to seduce the suitor she picked out for her daughter? “There will be more long weekends in your future,” she says as she leans in kissably close and caresses the suiter’s shoulder. Um. Ma’am? Are y’all partaking in creating your own herbs and spices in the bedroom because that’s exactly what it looks like.

Third, why is this suitor so surprised that the heiress is falling for Mario Lopez Sanders? Have you SEEN Mario Lopez Sanders? This man has been attractive since Bayside of COURSE she’s falling for him. Don’t let Kelly Kapowski picking Zack Morris fool you, we all know that Slater was the better choice.

A Recipe for Seduction premieres on December 13th. I recommend checking it out with a Popeyes chicken sandwich to create the maximum conflict of interest.

(Image: Lifetime)

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Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)