Justache League: Just Give Everyone a Mustache Instead of Removing Superman’s, Okay?

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The stars of Justice League have apparently been called back for some very extensive reshoots, something to the tune of about four weeks for some of the movie’s biggest roles. According to Variety, this has caused some foul-ups with scheduling, as many of the headlining stars are already hard at work on other films. Henry Cavill, for example, is working on the next Mission: Impossible film, and his character calls for him to have a mustache—a decidedly un-Superman physical attribute, no? (I fully expect someone in the comments to drop hella examples of Supes with a mustache, not a beard, so who knows.)

Anyway, Variety states that the production is going to some seriously strange lengths to cover up the fact that they’re basically reshooting a mustachioed Superman: they’re actually removing the mustache digitally in post-production. Think about how much money is being spent to prevent this …

… when in fact they should just be totally doubling down on a mustache Superman. I mean, come on. Look at him. What kind of magical secrets lie trapped between this push broom and the milky white all-American skin underneath? If hairs could talk, I’m sure this hairy caterpillar of a ‘stache would have so many stories to share of alien worlds and secret hideaways in the Arctic. Why, with this mustache, Superman looks like he’d be right at home serving as a guard at Litchfield Penitentiary.

Do you think that Superman’s the kind of guy who notices the foamy mustache when he drinks hot cocoa on those cold, lonely nights in his frozen base? When he cracks open a cold one with the Justice Pals, do you think they’re the kind of friends (co-workers?) who tell him that he’s got a bit of foam on his mustache, or do they just sit there and giggle about it while Batman, the great detective, looks around very confused as to why everyone’s laughing? Do you think that maybe Superman would grow a mustache after Batman tells him he “looks so young” because he wanted to try a new form of psychological warfare against him as part of his ongoing research on How To Kill Literally Everybody On The Justice League? Do you think Barry Allen and Aquaman maybe have a competition going as to who can secretly steal more of Supes’ mustache hairs without him knowing (with the Flash winning by a clear margin because Aquaman keeps just straight up asking)?

Or do you think Wonder Woman is currently hard at work researching the phenomena of how growing facial hair as “rally beards” and such on sports teams can lead to higher morale and team unity and is thus trying to find out how to get everyone on board with growing a beard?


Yes. I would watch the everloving shit out of that movie. How much do you think they’d end up spending on mustache wax and little tiny combs?

Clearly Cameron Stewart is going the Lord’s work here, important research into a better, brighter, much more … virile Justice League. And frankly? This is the Justice League I want to see.

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Jessica Lachenal
Jessica Lachenal is a writer who doesn’t talk about herself a lot, so she isn’t quite sure how biographical info panels should work. But here we go anyway. She's the Weekend Editor for The Mary Sue, a Contributing Writer for The Bold Italic (thebolditalic.com), and a Staff Writer for Spinning Platters (spinningplatters.com). She's also been featured in Model View Culture and Frontiers LA magazine, and on Autostraddle. She hopes this has been as awkward for you as it has been for her.