We have few enough sources of hilarity these days, which is one reason why the new Twitter account Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) has caught on like wildfire in the dinosaur-infested underbrush. The account, which has about 230 tweets at the time of writing, has racked up more than 130,000 followers with its tongue-in-cheek “updates” from the staff of the world’s worst idea for a theme park.
Per its bio, the parody account is run by 12 people—writers, comedians, writers who are also comedians, comedians who are also writers, and so on and so forth. As such it’s impossible to tell who is responsible for each tweet, so let’s assume they’re emerging fully formed from this hivemind collective. “Updates” writer PJ Evans also created the hilarious @Disneyland2go account, which posts irreverent, often bitingly sarcastic “insider” tweets about the Disney park.
This is the kind of criticism Disney deserves right now:
everything is looking good for our reopening except for the ongoing pandemic
— Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) July 8, 2020
But we’re here for Jurassic Park, which is a good deal more fun than the actual horrors happening as Disney reopens despite record-breaking numbers of COVID-19 cases. Shall we visit that faraway island?
but yeah like eighteen to nineteen dinosaurs are currently loose
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 13, 2020
There are so many great tweets in this account’s early days that it’s hard to feature only a few, but here are some favorites:
make sure to grab a poncho when you arrive in case someone in your group is ripped open
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020
We are cleaning out our lost and found bin. Does this tee shirt belong to you? Claim it at our visitor center pic.twitter.com/BGkFxFQ0HE
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020
the brontosaurus rides have been a big hit but everyone who has tried to slide down their backs and tail like fred flintstone when he gets off work has gotten severely injured so please don’t try
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 11, 2020
accidentally made an oval-shaped dinosaur with no limbs or eyes
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020
We have decided to cancel today’s dinosaur talent show after every single dinosaur wrote down “unthinkable chaos” as their talent
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020
the triceratops got killed so we have a temporary st. bernard
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 10, 2020
raft and dinosaur washed up on the other side of the island
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020
Hi thid is velocrsptpr. I lenaring ti tipe Nd spell
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020
If you are being eaten, please do not scream. You could potentially be spreading covid-19. Keeping visitors safe is our number 1 priority
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 9, 2020
the little dinosaur with the william shakespeare collar that spits poison just spit on me which im so grossed out about. i hate spit
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020
we gave meat to the herbivores. just to sort of see if they were lying
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 8, 2020
we have developed a velociraptor that smokes cigarettes
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 7, 2020
many guests are asking if dinosaurs are “different from dragons”. we hear you and we are looking into it
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 6, 2020
Give @JurassicPark2go a follow for even more dino vs. guest shenanigans and be sure to check out the team behind the T. rex:
@pjayevans, @NotJosephGarcia, @rajat_suresh, @Colinoscopy, @totallymorgan, @julieabridged, @astonoha, @quakerraina, @carmchristopher, @jayweingarten, @dlicj, and @sarahsquirm
(images: Universal Studios)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
