Jim Jordan bites his lip and cringes while clinging a railing in the House.

Jim Jordan’s New Committee Is an Absurd Waste of Time, Even for Him

It's good to know no one values Jim Jordan's time, not even Jim Jordan.

So, remember that Republican Rules Package those ghouls adopted earlier this week? It turns out, it has a weird little pet project for Ohio’s least favorite son, Jim Jordan. A man who infuriates me every time I see him because have you ever noticed he is entirely one weird shade of beige with just enough minute variations that it is irritating to your eyes? Also, he is a disgusting human being (we haven’t forgotten about your knowledge and coverup of sexual abuse victims Jiiiiiiiiiim) and my ultimate dream is to one day deliver him a burn so great, it emotionally devastates him as he is carted off to jail for a crime that I uncover and solve, and then everyone will clap.

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Back to the Rules Package. Per Cleveland.com:

A Republican House of Representatives rules package adopted Monday in a party-line vote calls for creation of a new “Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of Federal Government” to be run by Ohio’s Jim Jordan.

OK, first off, the subcommittee’s acronym is SSWFG? This is why the conservatives basically only have Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio among their Hollywood ranks. Creative types they are not. If you’re going to be jerks with your weird little witch hunt special projects, at least make them have rad acronyms. That’s just Being a Jerkwad 101, man.

So what exactly will this weird, dumb, ineffective subcommittee do, whose sole purpose to exist is most likely to give Fox News something to fill the airwaves with? From the above article:

U.S. Rep. Tom Cole of Oklahoma, the GOP chairman of the House Rules Committee, said the subcommittee will be modeled on the U.S. Senate’s 1970s Church Committee that investigated abuses by U.S. intelligence agencies. He said it will probe “the radical left weaponization of the federal government in recent years.” Texas Republican Chip Roy said it will target “weaponization of government against the American people” and be headed by Jordan.

This is so dumb. If I were in Congress and they needed my vote to stay in power, I would have insisted on spinning up a subcommittee to investigate whether Bigfoot really is terrorizing small towns in Louisiana, because that might actually help people. Who does this help? It just gives sad, jagoff racists a place to hold their weirdo meetings and get some attention.

So what exactly is this subcommittee that no one but Jim Jordan asked for going to investigate? From the above article:

… topics will include examining “how executive branch agencies collect, compile, analyze, use, or disseminate information about citizens of the United States, including any unconstitutional, illegal, or unethical activities committed against citizens of the United States,” the resolution states.

This sad waste of time will also have subpoena powers, which means not only will it be wasting members’ time (although they are willingly signing up for that) but it can waste other people’s time unwillingly. Ohio, friend, what are you doing?! Call this man home! You are not sending your best and brightest here.

I’ve got no ideas, maybe someone can get these crapweasels really into a new hobby that isn’t about wasting people’s time and tax payer’s money. The only upside I have here is that it’s still Mercury Retrograde and any sort of contract, or matters devoted to communication that are launched during this period are destined to not do well, so I guess we have that going for us.

(featured image: Win McNamee/Getty Images)

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Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson (no, not that one) has been writing about pop culture and reality TV in particular for six years, and is a Contributing Writer at The Mary Sue. With a deep and unwavering love of Twilight and Con Air, she absolutely understands her taste in pop culture is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. She is the co-host of the popular Bravo trivia podcast Bravo Replay, and her favorite Bravolebrity is Kate Chastain, and not because they have the same first name, but it helps.