Elizabeth Warren seems to hold back a smirk.

Perpetually Inept Criminal Jacob Wohl Is Coming After Elizabeth Warren With Obviously Fake Sexual Allegations

Recommended Videos

It’s been a year this month since ultra-rightwing writer and perpetually embarrassing attention-seeker Jacob Wohl and his partner in crime Jack Burkman tried to get reporters to buy some fake sexual misconduct allegations against Robert Mueller. Despite being quickly outed as frauds and mocked relentlessly online, the two have not stopped. They’ve staged laughable press conferences with fresh “accusations” against Pete Buttigieg, as well as creating birtherism conspiracies against Kamala Harris, and pushing a conspiracy targeting Ilhan Omar that also included making false terrorist-related death threats. He’s currently facing multiple lawsuits and felony charges.

None of that has stopped him and Burkman from moving ahead with their latest smear campaign against Elizabeth Warren. The pair announced this week that they were holding a press conference featuring a “decorated, former U.S. Marine and bodybuilder who alleges he was involved in a long-term sexual relationship with presidential candidate, Sen. Elizabeth Warren.”

“These charges will shock the conscious of the nation,” Burkman was quoted in the press release.

Well, they held that press conference today, in Wohl’s driveway, as per usual (when the local Holiday Inn is, presumably, booked up). This is what the Kirk Cameron birthday party of press conferences looks like:

Look, I don’t always engage in schadenfreude, but when I do, it tends to involve Jacob Wohl.

To start things off, the pair handed out a document titled “Statement of Belief and Fact.” I assume this is because they think this title will protect them from litigation, as nothing in the document is labeled one or the other, so maybe they think they can just retroactively claim everything was their belief.

In front of a sign reading “Elizabeth Warren Cougar?” they introduced Kelvin Whelly, 25-year-old Marine vet (24 in yesterday’s press release), who says he was solicited for sex by Warren, who he says told him she was in an open relationship. He says they had regular encounters, which included BDSM, “rough sex,” and threesomes over the course of at least a few months. During the press conference, he showed scars on his back (also revealing a tattoo of the logo from the Vin Diesel movie XXX, so … wow), which he said were from a sexual encounter with Warren.

The internet quickly found contradictions–ones that pre-date the dates he gave for their alleged encounters by a few years.

Because really, these guys are Veep-level inept. They are the living embodiment of Jonah Ryan, and that’s coming from Jonah Ryan himself:

It’s truly amazing that these two have to know what the country thinks of them, if they think about them at all, and yet they keep trying. It would be impressive if it weren’t so embarrassing.

I know that there are a lot of people that would have a problem with what Warren is accused of, but it’s also weird that the worst smears they could come up with are that Elizabeth Warren has an open and honest agreement with her husband that she can engage in consensual sex with adults when she’s out on the campaign trail. Honestly, there are worse things to be said about a person.

I look forward to the upcoming lawsuit but for now, Elizabeth Warren is doing some A+ trolling.

That’s just exceptional.

(image: Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!

The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—


The Mary Sue is supported by our audience. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn a small affiliate commission. Learn more
related content
Read Article Amid Warner Bros. Discovery’s Struggles, CEO David Zaslav’s Salary Tops Nearly $50 Million
David Zaslav at the 96th Academy Awards
Read Article I Have Three Questions for the FART Republican Caucus
Rep. Bob Good (R-VA) has a microphone in his face during a press gaggle.
Read Article With a Single Line on ‘Tortured Poets Department,’ Taylor Swift Has Brought All of Charlie Puth’s Past Controversies Back to the Spotlight
Charlie Puth
Read Article Surprise, Surprise, Donald Trump’s TikTok Flip-Flop Motivations Come Down to Pure Selfishness
In this photo illustration the logo of Chinese online social media and video hosting service TikTok is displayed on a smartphone screen alongside that of that of YouTube, instant messaging software Whatsapp Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Quora, Facebook Messenger and Snapchat.
Read Article There’s a Double Standard Being Applied to Conspiracy-Touting Aaron Rodgers in the NFL
Aaron Rodgers at Cleven Browns Stadium in December 2023
Related Content
Read Article Amid Warner Bros. Discovery’s Struggles, CEO David Zaslav’s Salary Tops Nearly $50 Million
David Zaslav at the 96th Academy Awards
Read Article I Have Three Questions for the FART Republican Caucus
Rep. Bob Good (R-VA) has a microphone in his face during a press gaggle.
Read Article With a Single Line on ‘Tortured Poets Department,’ Taylor Swift Has Brought All of Charlie Puth’s Past Controversies Back to the Spotlight
Charlie Puth
Read Article Surprise, Surprise, Donald Trump’s TikTok Flip-Flop Motivations Come Down to Pure Selfishness
In this photo illustration the logo of Chinese online social media and video hosting service TikTok is displayed on a smartphone screen alongside that of that of YouTube, instant messaging software Whatsapp Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Quora, Facebook Messenger and Snapchat.
Read Article There’s a Double Standard Being Applied to Conspiracy-Touting Aaron Rodgers in the NFL
Aaron Rodgers at Cleven Browns Stadium in December 2023
Author
Vivian Kane
Vivian Kane (she/her) is the Senior News Editor at The Mary Sue, where she's been writing about politics and entertainment (and all the ways in which the two overlap) since the dark days of late 2016. Born in San Francisco and radicalized in Los Angeles, she now lives in Kansas City, Missouri, where she gets to put her MFA to use covering the local theatre scene. She is the co-owner of The Pitch, Kansas City’s alt news and culture magazine, alongside her husband, Brock Wilbur, with whom she also shares many cats.