TikTok, I wish to know the mind of God.
I wish to crack open the skull of the Supreme Being and suck out the marrow of the divine mysteries held within. I wish to gaze upon countable and uncountable infinities. I want to dive deep into the singularity of Creation and discover the wonders and horrors therein, even at the cost of my own sanity. In short, I wish to know your Holy Algorithm. The God Brain that directs the unknowable movements of your cosmos. Grant me this understanding so that I may sing your praises for all of eternity. Ia! Ia! Glory to the Tik! The Most Sanctified Tok! I worship thee and give thee thanks! Now let me take succor in the awesome and terrible knowledge that you hold within you. I SEEK THE AWFUL, RADIANT LIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING THOUGH IT MAY BURN MY EYES FROM MY SKULL.
Okay, so I did a lil’ research and this is what I found:
The TikTok algorithm remains a secrets (oh sorrow! oh lamentation!) but there are some crumbs of understanding that have fallen from the divine table. In short, the TikTok algorithm favors videos that 1. Start strong in the first few seconds (perhaps with a glorious hymn or ululation) 2. Are on the shorter side, for one may not gaze directly into the Burning Sun of Forbidden Knowledge for long. 3. Are posted at the “right time” i.e. The Appointed Hour where most of one’s followers (or worshippers, cultists, or clergy) are likely to view said Holy Content (get a TikTok Pro account and check your metrics to taste of this knowledge, like Eve of the Apple of Eden). 4. Use “trending” sounds: the hosannahs of a popular TikTok song or the “glory be”‘s of a well-known High Priest of Virality. 5. Use the Holy Scripture of Hashtags and post them in your video description so you may attract those who are already converts to a particular Hashtag Faith (i.e. #fittok or #iseektokissthemouthofgodtok). 6. Use Keywords in your captions, which are ancient Words of Power like “dance” or “sport” or “ritual sacrifice.”
Follow these steps, and you shall become a Greater Hierophant of the Tok. A Bishop of Tik. You shall taste of sweet and terrible knowledge. Your skin shall turn to fire and your blood to lightning, and you shall sprout wings covered in eyes with which you can bring Engagement to the world. And all shall tremble at your terrible majesty. For you are the Alpha and the Omega. You are The Most High, the Exalted One. You alone shall sit at the Right Hand of TikTok forever and ever, world without end. Amen.
Featured Image Credit: TikTok
