Girl Scouts Ditching Exactly the Right Cookies
The Girl Scouts have announced the end of five varieties of Girl Scout cookies, and when I first read this, I was worried. Really worried. And then I saw the flavors they were getting rid of, and I rejoiced. This is not a casualty of the dumpy economy — this is a victory. America has been saved. Saved from bad cookies.
Girl Scout Cookies have been one of the most successful fundraising operations in the United States since 1917. Because people of all ages love cookies. No one, except for diabetics (responsible ones), will turn down cookies being sold to them by darling children. But those cookies had better be delicious. And the best ones are. And those are the cookies that will live.
People thought they might be losing out on beloved classics like Tagalongs and Samoas. “Oh my god — not everyone likes coconut. What if they cut coconut because some killjoys don’t like coconut? And peanut allergies! People are going insane because, suddenly, 90 percent of kids have peanut allergies! What if we’re stuck with Thin Mints — yay! — and those Lemon ones — boo! — and that’s it?? Also, how do so many kids have peanut allergies now? They are ruining everything for everyone, and if they get rid of Tagalongs … ”
[Opinions expressed are only by lemon-hating bloggers and not by chocolate-hating bloggers who also appear on this blog. Geekosystem as an edifice does not have Girl Scout Cookie flavor preferences and views expressed in this post are of the opinion of the author and the author only.]
Fear not! Thin Mints, Tagalongs (aka Peanut Butter Patties), Samoas (aka Caramel deLites), Do-Si-Dos, Lemon Creme Chalets, and Trefoils (aka Shortbreads), will all survive the cut. They make up 77 percent of cookie sales, so the discontinued flavors will only leave room for more of the awesome flavors. They will be 100 percent of the sales. Because like they said in Anchorman, “60 percent of the time it works — all the time.”
And the losers are: Dulce de Leche, Thank U Berry Munch, All Abouts (aka Animal Treasures aka Thanks-a-Lots), Sugar-Free Chocolate Chip.
Why did they fail?
Dulce de Leche: Well, anything dulce de leche is just too hard to explain. Less enlightened people think it’s either French or “Mexican,” and it can’t be easily identified as something like “caramel.” It’s like caramel, but it’s not exactly like caramel. Those people buy Trefoils because they have no imagination. America wins because dumb people don’t deserve cookies. (People who simply don’t like dulce de leche are excused from this.)
Thank U Berry Munch: These are cookies being sold by kids. You ever watch Top Chef, and all these high-falutin’ chefs have to cook for kids, and they all hate kids, so they make them something like “braised beef tips in a port wine reduction with a garlic asparagus puree” out of spite? That’s what Thank U Berry Munch was like. White chocolate and dried cranberries. Kids do not dig white chocolate. Neither do most adults without the most discerning palate. It tastes like wax. There is a part of the tongue that appreciates white chocolate that just hasn’t evolved in most people. America wins because they don’t need to be confounded by this cookie choice.
All Abouts: Shortbread dipped in chocolate … not really sure where this went wrong, because shortbread is generally safe and so is chocolate. Because there were words on it? And Americans don’t like reading? Because that’s not really true. Okay, I’m counting this as a loss for America. America loses because a safe choice with extra chocolate on is gone.
Sugar-Free Chocolate Chip: I think this one is obvious. America wins because who wants sugar-free chocolate chip anything?
Don’t fret, fellow Americans. The best flavors have been spared. Time to clear out some space in your freezer for Thin Mints.