There is a Category 5 Shitstorm on the forecast, and Kavanaugh supporters are about to lose what’s left of their minds.
If you thought the conservative shitstorm in response to the Green M&M (i.e. Shitstorm Green) controversy was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Althoughhat was intense—I’ll give it a category 3. After all, Tucker Carlson was really disappointed that he no longer wanted to fuck an animated piece of candy. Shitstorm Santos is worse and that one is still raging throughout Congress. A Category 4, minimum. But Shitstorm Kavanaugh? This is going to be an apocalyptic shitstorm, the likes of which Republicans are simply unprepared for.
Stock up on toilet paper
According to The Washington Post, Shitstorm Kavanaugh wasn’t even on the RADAR until it was already too late. The storm had already begun swirling with the premiere of the documentary Justice at the Sundance Film Festival. The documentary was created by Doug Liman, the director of The Bourne Identity and Swingers, and provides an exhaustive investigation into the sexual misconduct allegation leveled at Brett Kavanaugh before he was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The film not only attempts to shine a light on the women who have accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault, but also the failed FBI investigation into these allegations.
And what are these allegations exactly? The first is well-known: Christine Blasey Ford accused Kavanaugh of holding her down on a bed, groping her, and attempting to tear her clothes off before she escaped. She would have been 15 at the time. Kavanaugh was also accused of exposing himself to Deborah Ramirez at a college party, pulling down his pants and attempting to thrust his shriveled little dick in her face. Of course, Kavanaugh himself denied the allegations and refused to take part in the documentary, but that did not save him from the shitstorm that he shares his name with from blowing his way.
According to Liman, the specter of Brett Kavanaugh is a terrifying one for many of the people who appear in this film.
“This was the kind of movie where people are terrified,” Liman said. “The people that chose to participate in the movie are heroes.”
This is true. After all, they had every reason to be terrified. Christine Blasey Ford herself was the recipient of multiple death threats, and as of 2018 has not been able to return to work. Deborah Ramirez herself showed a similar bravery to Ford for agreeing to tell her story on camera.
The film also goes into detail about the FBI’s willful incompetence with regard to their investigation into Kavanaugh’s conduct. According to the film, the FBI failed to call many of the witnesses provided by Ramirez’s lawyers. One such witness, a man named Max Stier who runs a non-profit in Washington D.C. alleges that he saw Kavanaugh expose himself to another female student at a party at Yale. Despite Stier’s efforts, the FBI simply never contacted him. Similarly, the White House tip line that was set up by the FBI was left to gather dust, despite receiving over 4,500 tips with regard to the investigation.
Shitstorm Kavanaugh just keeps getting shittier
“I do hope this triggers outrage,” said producer Amy Herdy in a Q&A after the documentary premiered. And outrage is exactly what she got.
Within half an hour of the documentary being released, the film team was flooded with messages from people who said they had sent the FBI tips before Kavanaugh’s confirmation. The tips were so compelling that the team decided to reopen their own investigation, making them one of the first documentary teams in history whose real work began after their film was completed. According to Liman, the once “finished” documentary is now a work in progress once more. Liman, who self-funded the film so it remained a secret, was hoping to be able to close the book on the investigation, but he forgot the first rule of shitstorm preparation: always expect the unexpected. It turns out, the release of the documentary did not signify the passing of the shitstorm. Rather, Liman and his team were in the eye of the shitstorm the whole time.
How have government organizations responded to Shitstorm Kavanaugh?
According to the Washington Post, the public information office of the Supreme Court did not return their request for a comment on the documentary. The FBI’s national press office also did not have a comment on the documentary, and rather reiterated that their services with regard to Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court nomination process were limited to fact-finding and background investigations. A spokeswoman from the agency informed The Post that the FBI “does not have the independent authority to expand the scope of a supplemental background investigation outside the requesting agency’s parameters,” as the scope of the investigation is “requested by the White House” beforehand.
What about conservatives themselves?
So far, it appears that conservatives appear to be still caught in the eye of Shitstorm Kavanaugh themselves. Fox New’s best defense against the documentary was to call it “liberal” in an effort to discredit it subtly. Because, you know, “liberal” is a dirty word and all.
The conservative news outlet is also stressing the fact that the documentary was a “secret,” as if it was some sort of assassination plot against Kavanaugh himself. Fox then provides a story of what they claim to be an “actual” assassination attempt against Kavanaugh and two other Supreme Court Justices that the mainstream media is “sweeping under the rug”. Because a story like that certainly isn’t a calculated rug-sweeping effort to clean up after Shitstorm Kavanaugh. Whatever gave you that idea?
It’s likely that Shitstorm Kavanaugh will continue to rage for years to come. After all, the team from Justice has their work cut out for them investigating all of the leads they received after the shitstorm made landfall. Who knows? A recut of the documentary may already in be in the works. Whatever happens, I’m confident that Shitstorm Kavanaugh will continue to haunt Brett Kavanaugh for the rest of his life. Like a little grey raincloud that follows a sad person around. Except this cloud is an angry brown cloud of methane that will continually coat an already shitty person in more shit.
(featured image: Win McNamee/Getty Images)
