There’s a lot of bad stuff going on in the world. But at least Donald Trump is kind enough to give us all some good news! On July 18, in a statement posted to his social media platform, Truth Social, Trump said he’s a target of the investigation into the attack on the U.S. Capitol Building on January 6, 2021. That likely means that he’s about to be indicted for the third time this year.
I could provide a snark-laden summary of Trump’s announcement, but honestly, no joke I crack could possibly be funnier than his own words:
WOW! On Sunday night, while I was with my family, having just arrived from the Turning Point event in Florida, where I won the Straw Poll against all other Republican candidates with 85.7%, with all polls showing me leading in the Republican Primary by very substantial numbers, almost everyone predicting that I will be the Republican Nominee for President, and as I am leading Democrat Joe Biden in the polls by a lot, HORRIFYING NEWS for our country was given to me by my attorneys.
Deranged Jack Smith, the prosecutor with Joe Biden’s DOJ, sent a letter (again, it was Sunday night!) stating that I am a TARGET of the January 6th Grand Jury investigation, and giving me a very short 4 days to report to the Grand Jury, which almost always means an Arrest and Indictment.
To be clear, Trump isn’t leading Biden in the polls “by a lot.” The polls are too close for me to regain any shred of faith in this country, but Trump is just bloviating, as usual.
Anyway, the sheer artistry of this statement can’t be overstated. The WOW! at the beginning; all the hysterical bragging stuffed into one breathless sentence before he actually gets to the news the statement is sharing; and All the Words that are Capitalized for No Reason!
Trump’s involvement in the January 6 insurrection is pretty cut and dry. He told the world that the election had been stolen, and he was the rightful president of the U.S. He specifically told his base to “fight like hell,” saying that “if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”
Trump ends today’s statement by writing, “THIS WITCH HUNT IS ABOUT ELECTION INTERFERENCE AND A COMPLETE AND TOTAL POLITICAL WEAPONIZATION OF LAW ENFORCEMENT!” This, from the guy who was impeached for trying to wrest political favors from Ukraine in exchange for military aid. You love to see it.
Trump later released a second statement, which contained the following musings on the humbling responsibilities of leading a global superpower through tumultuous times:
WITCH HUNT!!! CROOKED JOE BIDEN & HIS INJUSTICE DEPARTMENT WANT TO INDICT & ARREST HIS PRESUMED POLITICAL OPPONENT (ME!), WHO IS LEADING HIM IN THE POLLS IN THE UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024. SUCH A THING HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN OUR COUNTRY BEFORE…AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAMPAIGN??? ELECTION INTERFERENCE & PROSECUTORIAL MISCONDUCT!!!”
Trump was previously indicted twice: first for falsifying business records in relation to the hush money he paid Stormy Daniels, and then for stealing classified documents after his term as president had ended.
(featured image: Rob Carr, Getty Images)
