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“BURN HIS FIELDS AND SALT THE LAND”: The Best Shoes-For-Sale Ad Ever

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman

“DESTROY HIM. Are you Gal Gadot? Are you an Amazon?” Are you in the market for a new pair of shoes? Good news—here is the finest ad for rose gold gladiator stilettos in the history of time.

Geeks Are Sexy highlights the most wondrous of offers that popped up on a New Zealand-based Facebook group called “Vic Deals.” I don’t know who wrote this, but an advertising company needs to snap them up fast. I can barely wear a kitten heel, yet even I’m tempted by the mighty majesty of these shoes’ raw power. I am the Book of Revelations. I am the Whore of Babylon. I do want to invade Nazi Germany solo and walk out alive.

Humorous gold stiletto ad

Funny Amazonian gold stilettos

“Shoes are for straight people who play couples tennis and get divorced.”

Even better? This incredible classified creator will sell the magical stilettos for $50 “if you include a short fantasy fiction (min 500 words) about a woman who can turn into a dragon or a colour illustration of a woman turning into a dragon.” Um, is this writer single? If this were a dating profile I think a lot of us would recognize our soulmate therein.

(OK so “Burn the Reichstag” historically doesn’t mean what they think it means here but I’ll give them a pass because we know what they intended and they’re giving a discount for writing about a lady turning into a dragon.)

Humorous gold stiletto ad

I’m going to assume that with the media coverage, someone has grabbed these shoes by now. All I know is that just reading that ad made me feel powerful.

TRAMPING IN THE WILDERNESS

INVADE FIORDLAND

FIND THE MOOSE

If you don’t know about New Zealand’s elusive Fiordland moose, well. Your day is about to change. And if I were this writer, I’d convert these rousing instincts into a best-selling book of daily affirmations that would fast convene an army of Amazons to take over the world.

Wonder Woman wearing sandals gif

(via Geeks Are Sexy, images: Warner Bros.)

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Kaila is a lifelong New Yorker. She's written for io9, Gizmodo, New York Magazine, The Awl, Wired, Cosmopolitan, and once published a Harlequin novel you'll never find.