Commander Biden Loses ACAB Battle at White House

Commander, a Very Good Boy, Lost His Battle With ACAB

His war, however, rages on

Friends, in my house, we operate under the assumption that there is no such thing as a bad dog. So it is with that in mind that I share the devastating news that Commander Biden, President Biden’s very good German Shepherd boy, has lost his one-dog battle on ACAB at the White House. Surely, his war against law enforcement rages on, though. The New York Times has more information on his unjust, politically motivated exile:

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“Commander is not presently on the White House campus while next steps are evaluated,” Ms. Alexander said in a statement.

The move came days after Commander, a 2-year-old German shepherd, bit a Secret Service officer. It was the 11th episode of “aggressive behavior” by the president’s pets, many of them involving Commander and the officers and agents who protect the president.

I’d like to call your attention to the fact that Commander has seemingly only bit law enforcement personnel. We all know if the President’s dog had bit a child, or god forbid, a Republican lawmaker, that would have been released post haste, and a nonstop onslaught of anti-Commander Fox News segments would have been born.

However, it’s pretty clear that Commander’s bite count is targeted to one demographic, and one demographic only. He just simply hates cops. Rather than asking why, he’s been sent away. The fix is in, especially when you find out the next part, per the above source:

Internal emails obtained by a conservative activist group and released to the public this summer documented 10 instances of “aggressive behavior” by the president’s pets.

In one of those episodes, an agent was left “shaken,” according to the emails, when Commander began barking at him from the top of a White House staircase and he felt the need to hoist the chair he was sitting on to use as a shield.

That’s right, this was a conservative conspiracy to remove Commander, and it happened in full view. The copaganda machine rolls on.

Now, look, dogs shouldn’t be biting anyone, especially not at their place of work. However, it’s mightly peculiar that Commander’s home is one of the most highly trafficked workplaces in the world, and again, he seems to have set his sight firmly on law enforcement offices, and law enforcement officers only, at least officially. Now the whisper network is being used against Commander, and anonymous sources are trying to get us to believe that Commander is just out there biting everyone. Per CNN:

While the US Secret Service has acknowledged 11 reported biting incidents involving its personnel, sources who spoke to CNN said the real number is higher and includes executive residence staff and other White House workers. Those bites have ranged in severity, from one known bite requiring hospital treatment to some requiring attention from the White House Medical Unit to some going unreported and untreated.

All I can say is, these people sure are keeping quiet on a dog that some would have you believe is a menace to everyone.

(Photo by Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images; NBC Universal)

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Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson (no, not that one) has been writing about pop culture and reality TV in particular for six years, and is a Contributing Writer at The Mary Sue. With a deep and unwavering love of Twilight and Con Air, she absolutely understands her taste in pop culture is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. She is the co-host of the popular Bravo trivia podcast Bravo Replay, and her favorite Bravolebrity is Kate Chastain, and not because they have the same first name, but it helps.