Christina stepping out of her car in Lovecraft Country

Dear Black People, Protect Yourselves by Avoiding These Folks on December 21

They will ruin your new superpowered life

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So you say you have superpowers, we all know what that means.

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It’s time for the mentor to appear out of the ongoing cornfields of the middle of nowhere.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, after all, some of the greatest superpowered beings have gone through rigorous training in order to hone their abilities. However, some of the folks who emerge just when you figure out how to lift a bus are not on the up and up. They seem like they are, at first, but over time you realize that having them as your inspiration will ruin your entire life.

Here’s a list of names to avoid. Hopefully, it’ll protect you as you embrace your newfound powers.

Charles Xavier (X-Men franchise)

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I know being part of the X-Men sounds good on paper, especially if you come from an unaccepting upbringing that doesn’t make any attempts to try and understand you. But trust me. Xavier is just really good at making a sales pitch. You are guaranteed a life of turmoil if you enroll in his school. And if you’re a telepath like he is? Big YIKES!

Also, he’s got an endless list of secrets, won’t tell you what you need to know, will judge you for doing things he doesn’t feel are appropriate even if he’s guilty of doing them too (or guilty of doing worse), can be extremely single-minded (cough MAGNETO cough JEAN cough THAT’S JUST BASED ON THE MOVIES AND ANIMATED SERIES I DO NOT HAVE YEARS OF COMIC KNOWLEDGE SO IT’S PROBABLY WORSE THERE cough), and is prone to planning things without informing his students.

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Insert my surprised face when everyone realizes that there was a better option than whatever Charles suggested.

All Might (My Hero Academia)

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Listen. I get it. All Might’s pretty impressive. But real talk? He is a shit teacher.

He just… is.

Bestowing an overpowered quirk without laying out all the intricacies of it (or at least admitting that he doesn’t know how it all works), that very first training exercise where the students were BEGGING him to call it off because Bakugo was beating the crap out of Deku, his whole self-sacrificing mantra that’s limited the use of his powers BUT HE PUSHES ANYWAY (seriously, this is not a good lesson to a teenager who’s trying to prove himself).

All Might is the guy who got the teaching gig based on name, NOT teaching ability. Not only does All Might’s own mentor call him out, but All Might calls HIMSELF out by season 3.

Basically, if a boisterous blond shouts I AM HERE look the other way.

And yes, if a wrinkled potato looking asshole approaches, avoid him, too. Even if you wanna be a villain, All for One is NOT the one to follow. He will screw you over.

Screenshot of All For One from My Hero Academia

Gojo (Jujutsu Kaisen)

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Gojo is cool as hell, y’all. His power is incredible and, like, look at him ok? I’d probably follow this man based on swag factor alone (let’s be honest, Itadori pretty much does).

But he is nooooot a good teacher.

Let’s review.

Without even taking into account his proposal of “have Itadori eat all of Sukuna’s fingers then kill him so we get rid of Sukuna” there’s the fact that he has sent these kids into extremely dangerous situations without them being prepared. Right off the bat, he sends Megumi off to find one of Sukuna’s fingers, alone, while he goes out shopping.

Meanwhile, Itadori doesn’t even have a basic understanding of curses, jujutsu sorcerors, and how truly menacing Sukuna is, yet he’s out doing missions because… um… I actually don’t know why, and neither do the rest of the adults around him. I don’t expect Itadori to have full control, but this poor boy will show up on a scene and not even know how to detect cursed energy.

It’s really telling that the other adults like Nanami chalk it up as “of course you don’t know, Gojo is your teacher.”

Some of Japan’s cute animal mascots

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Nooooope.

Swindler tries her best to save a cat.

Nope. Not even a regular-ass looking cat.

Cute animal mascots are a staple in anime, but there are some of them who are here to watch the world burn. This here cat in Akudama Drive who this poor girl tried her best to save pulled an Amanda Waller and had exploding collars fitted around everyone’s necks. As for Kyubey, whose gif I used to start this section? That’s a whole lot of mess to unpack but please READ any contracts before you decide to sign them, and ask for more information beyond you get to be a magical girl!

Raiden (Mortal Kombat franchise)

Raiden from MK11

Especially, especially, ESPECIALLY in the series reboot. What started as a perfectly fine mentorship between him and Liu Kang led to a lot of death and bitter ass feelings festering in the Netherrealm. And for good reason. Raiden, believing in a vision he saw, was so determined to decipher it that he ignored everything else happening around him while trying to convince everyone else that it had to happen that way because of his vision.

Basically, his actions led to this scene, which I will never forgive or forget:

That’s not even everyone who died!

Oh, and at one point Raiden turns evil or whatever because only he knows what’s best for Earthrealm and aaaaargh he is such a disaster god. I don’t care if your people worship him DO NOT GET ON THAT LEAKY BOAT WITH HIM!

Bruce Wayne (Batman

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This isn’t because he doesn’t have superpowers, frankly, he doesn’t need them. This is because Bruce Wayne can barely take care of himself let alone any kind of protege. To his credit, I guess, it’s usually not him seeking out a partner, so as long as you avoid the bat signal you should be fine. However, if you find yourself in Wayne manner, especially underneath it, do not let Alfred make you a suit.

Honestly, something about billionaire superheroes and their young wards never ends well.

The Jedi Council (Star Wars franchise)

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I’m not gonna pretend like I’m the most knowledgeable person when it comes to Star Wars lore, but I’ve traveled to a galaxy far, far away a couple of times, and something about how the Jedi approach the concept of anger does NOT sit well with me. Like. I already have enough stigma when it comes to anger because I’m a Black woman, now you’re telling me that I can’t allow anger in AT ALL? As if we don’t have reason to be angry sometimes? How many Jedi do you expect to come out of 2020?

That’s not all, though. This is an order that promotes being emotionally detached, otherwise, you might give in to feelings that lead you to the dark side. That’s just… not gonna work for me, Yoda. Sorry, not sorry.

Christina (Lovecraft Country)

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Deep breath*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

Peak “well-meaning” white woman ally behavior, thy name is Christina Braithwhite. Oh, but she’s gonna try, you know? She’ll make it sound like a good idea to trust her, especially if you share a common enemy with her. She might even save your life from racist police officers. But truuuuust me when I say that she’s only trying to further her own agenda.

Learn magic from someone else.

Harrison Wells (The Flash)

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This gets a bit complicated since this is a series with different versions of Earth, but I’m specifically talking about the version of Wells who is actually Eobard Thawne, the one we unknowingly meet in Season 1, the one … you know what? It might just be easier to not trust anyone using the name Harrison Wells. I admit, it’s hard to not feel for Wells and his whole sob story about the particle accelerator and the damage it’s done to everyone, but remember, it’s all an elaborate act.

This man is not your friend, especially if your power revolves around super speed.

This version of Jonathan Kent (Man of Steel)

Screenshot of Pa Kent before he dies in Man of Steel

I get being a parent who’s concerned about your kid’s powers, but… maybe don’t take it to a point of scarring them for life by telling them to NOT save you from danger? Also, don’t make them feel bad for saving children. That’s just … ah … there’s a better way to make your kid cautious about their powers, right? You can be worried about them, but letting yourself die for the sake of a message ain’t it.

_

Who else should we be wary of today? Who’s out here preaching goodwill but, in reality, diminish your joy?

(Image: Warner Bros. Television Distribution)

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Author
Briana Lawrence
Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)