‘Caregivers need care too’: Bruce Willis’ wife shares an important takeaway from the Gene Hackman tragedy

While it can be life-affirming to care for a family member, it can also be extremely difficult and dangerous for both parties.

The tragic deaths of legendary actor Gene Hackman and his wife, Betsy Arakawa, serve as a reminder of that fact. When the couple were found deceased in their home (she was 65, he 95), people at first suspected a gas leak was the cause of death, but the truth was even more painful.

Arakawa, the full-time carer for Hackman, died of the little-known flu-like virus, hantavirus. It seems to have struck her down with no warning–medical examiners believe she died on Feb. 11, the same day she was last seen alive in town–a terrifying prospect. Hackman, who was suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s, likely didn’t realize what had happened. He spent a week in the house with his wife’s body, not eating and with no idea how much danger he was in. Eventually, tragically, he passed away around February 18.

The fact that a Hollywood icon died in such an awful way has gotten people talking about the fragile nature of caregiving. Now, Emma Heming Willis—the wife of Bruce Willis, an entertainment legend with frontotemporal dementia—has spoken out.

Emma Heming Willis is right—this is a conversation we need to have

Heming Willis released a video captioned, “Caregivers need care too. Period. Full stop.” In the video, she spoke of the realities of her situation and Betsy Arakawa’s. “I do really believe that there is some learning in this story,” she said. “It’s just made me think of this broader story, and that is that caregivers need care too and that they are vital, and that it is so important that we show up for them so that they can continue to show up for their person.”

She went on, “I think that there’s this common misconception that, like, caregivers, they got it figured out. They got it covered. They’re good. I don’t subscribe to that. I think that we need to be showing up for them so that they can continue to show up for their person.”

She is, of course, absolutely right. My parents are in a similar situation to Arakawa and Hackman, where one is the full-time caregiver to the other. I have a great fear that something similar may happen to them. All I can do is ensure they have a steady stream of people keeping an eye on them and that the appropriate precautions are taken in later years. No one should ever assume that a carer is “good” with what they’re doing. Caring for someone who can’t take care of themselves, never mind a loved one who you’ve already seen deteriorate, is an unimaginable mental stress. I helped care for my parent when I was younger, and as an adult, I did some professional, caring work. There are so many cracks in the system. Family carers are neglected, and professional carers are often downright exploited.

Carers need regular breaks, regular downtime, and someone keeping tabs on their health at all times. It’s shameful that governments the world over don’t realize the value of carers and have so little support for them. The Hackman-Arakawas and the Willis family have money, and very fortunately, so does my family, but I can’t even imagine how difficult full-time care must be when you’re not pulling in enough. The comments of Heming Willis’s post are full of stories from people who are struggling to balance the needs of their loved ones with their own needs. “Being a caregiver is 24/7 emotionally and physically taxing. You feel like you’re running on a hamster wheel,” wrote one Instagram user. “I’ve been caregivers to and lost my siblings and my parents… It’s a gift to be there for them, but we have to be there for ourselves as well. Burnout is very real.”

The world really needs to sit up and pay attention to carers. I really hope that the deaths of Hackman and Arakawa and the words of Heming Willis send a big enough jolt to make some change happen.