Bad Gamer Part 24: What Happens If You Play Through Dragon Age: Inquisition Like a Total Jerk?
Catch up on previous Bad Gamer installments if you missed them!
We still have no idea where Corypheus is. Hah. How does a Tevinter Magister turned would-be-God just disappear with his Archdemon into thin air? If I didn’t need people to do some of the leg work for me, some of the administration, I’d fire you all for being so incompetent.
I called a meeting, so we’re gathered around the war table, theorizing and sharing ideas regarding his possible whereabouts and plan, when my mark suddenly activates, and the breach in the sky once more opens up. If we do not close it, the breach will swallow the world. We’re fucked, essentially. I tell them to get everyone ready for battle, but Cullen sheepishly reveals he still hasn’t called all of our troops back from the Arbor Wilds yet, so I won’t really have much back up. You have got to be fucking kidding me. You are. You’ve got to be. Ah, fuck it, I’m going to die anyway. Might as well take the rest of you with me when I fail because you’re all incompetent fuck ups who can’t plan your way out of a paper bag.
I return to the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes to greet Corypheus. When we arrive, he’s busy grandstanding rather than actually getting on with breaking the breach wide open. Lucky for me, as I guess as it gave me time to get here, but honestly Corypheus you are the laziest villain. Corypheus spouts on for a moment about being a God and demands my soldiers bow to him. When they refuse, he unleashes demons to kill them. And I thought I was bad tempered! Someone yells from behind me. It’s Cassandra, who actually got off her arse for once. She jumps into the fray, slicing demons in two and giving me a path to Corypheus. He’s pleased I’ve come, like we just had a pre-arranged date and he hadn’t just summoned me using the fucking anchor in my hand.
His aim is to get closer to the breach to open it wide and engulf the world, so he raises the ruins from the ground into the air, sending rock and rubble and soldiers up and up. All bloody pomp and circumstance, aren’t you, Corypheus? He tells me this is a chance to prove which of us is worthy of godhood. Considering he just called me a “gnat,” I’m going to assume he’s not rooting for me. Can he just shut up so I can hit him now?
He talks far too much for someone supposedly hell-bent on destroying the world, on turning himself into a God. He answers my insult by summoning his Archdemon. Right on cue. My own Archdemon knocks it out of the air and starts to fight it back. Corypheus growls “you dare,” and I can’t help but laugh. Obviously I dare, you idiot. He’s far too predictable.
We fight, Corypheus and I, but he likes darting away to let his demons try to wear us down. You fucking coward, Corypheus. This is not going to happen. I want your ugly mug ground into dust before this night ends. Our Archdemons fight overheard. I think back to months before—before all of this started, before my life went to shit, when I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. All of this suddenly seems so surreal. How did we come to this? I don’t have long to consider the absurdity of our situation before Corypheus’ Archdemon swoops overhead, so close I can feel its breath.
My Archdemon leads his own high, then doubles back and plummets. They turn over and over, vying for dominance, and then they both fall out of sight with a crash. The smoke clears and an Archdemon roars, but it’s his, not mine that survived. Fuck. My dragon, Mythal’s dragon, weakened it a little but what a waste of my time tracking that beast down and making a deal with Mythal. And wait, aren’t you supposed to be an Elven God, Mythal? This is the best help you could provide me with, considering Thedas is in dire need?
We kill the Archdemon ourselves, which is maybe what we should have done to begin with, and then turn back to Corypheus. Corypheus, who seems quite aghast at what we’ve just managed to do. Corypheus who is now rendered mortal. Now you can die. Here Cory, Cory, Cory! Come on, little fella! I’m not going to hurt you; I’m going to annihilate you for ruining my life.
The breach is growing larger with every second and threatens to destroy the veil between our world and the Fade. We are not about to let you become a God today, Corypheus. Application denied! He breaks away from the fight in an act of desperation and grabs the Elven orb he carries with him. He begs for help from the old Gods if they ever truly existed. Instead of them answering his call, my mark activates and the orb comes to me with ease, as if it belongs to me.
Corypheus drops to his knees, dumbfounded. I begin closing the breach but not before a dastardly idea crosses my mind. If Corypheus wants to get into the Fade that bad, so be it. I send him into the breach and seal it behind him for good. Buh-bye, Corypheus! Hope you enjoy your time in the Fade! Maker, I’m glad that’s finally fucking over. Can I get back to my life now?
I can’t take a moment’s rest before the raised ruins begin to collapse. We turn to run, to get to safety, but I am suddenly falling—
When I wake, the only one around is Solas. He holds the Elven orb in his hands. It has been split in two. He’s upset that it has been broken. Really, Solas? Corypheus is gone with minimal losses on our side, and you’re upset about a broken bloody orb? Get your priorities straight before I smack you in the face again! Solas tells me too much has been lost. Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know what? Whatever. Keep your broken orb and your sad pathetic existence, and get out of my life.
Cassandra yells from down the stairs of the ruins. Am I alive? Am I ever! I greet them all—all of the men and women who stood by me no matter what I did or said to them. Suckers, really, if you think about it. I wonder what else I could get them to do for me now I’ve actually survived that and can plan for my own future. I look back, but Solas has gone. No doubt to curl into a ball around his stupid broken orb and have a good cry. Fuck him. Everyone asks me what we should do now Corypheus is gone and the sky is completely and utterly healed of the breach. Well, let’s go back to Skyhold and have a long nap?
Unfortunately, the welcome wagon is out in full force. I’d like nothing more than to jump into bed, but these people, the Inquisition’s supporters, are yelling and screaming and cheering about our victory. I might have shed a tear if I weren’t constantly reminded of how lazy they all were. Why weren’t you lot out there helping me fight Corypheus? What were you even doing here? Urgh, whatever. I soak up the worship for a moment. I deserve it. Truly, I do.
Leliana pulls me away for a chat. Her scouts have looked around, but there’s no sign of Solas. Have you checked underneath a bush? Particularly a bush that appears to be shaking and crying? Just leave him be. I don’t know why he bothered to hang around for so long anyway. He was certainly no help to me. Leliana still thinks its peculiar that he’s disappeared but will leave it be. Good. Stop mentioning the idiot’s name.
She’s excited. Not only do we have a chance to celebrate, but after they hear what we’ve accomplished, every noble in Southern Thedas is going to want to meet me. Hah. Maybe they’ll change their minds when they actually do, those fearful, hypocritical bastards. Still, I wouldn’t mind being showered with riches. Bring on the presents!
Leliana tells me to enjoy the evening’s festivities. With you lot? I don’t know. Maybe Bull and I should just take this elsewhere and let you squabble and mope together instead.
I do my rounds:
- Cullen tells me he’ll probably move on and get a fresh start because of his lyrium addiction.
- I remind Blackwall he is still mine because of his fuck up. He just nods, then turns away.
- Cole tells me he’s sorry but couldn’t fight without the safety of the amulet. He was scared of being bound by Corypheus. I tell him to stop arguing with me in the future about coming along. If he’s going to be a part of the Inquisition, he has to pull his weight.
- Josephine can only fuss about the catering. Was this what she was doing while I was fighting Corypheus? Fighting with the caterers?
- Cassandra reiterates she doubted me. Whatever, Cassandra. You doubt everything and everyone and it’s tiring.
- Dorian is happy with his new found fame even though he won’t admit to it. He only hopes his father hears about it and shits himself. I’d pay to see that. He vows to stay on for a while, though I can’t really think why.
- Leliana tells me to relax, which I think is hilarious coming from her.
- Iron Bull is happy he was there to kick the shit out of Corypheus. He tells me he’s probably going back to the Qun to help them clean up the Tevinter mess Corypheus left behind among various other things. Well, I wasn’t in it for the long haul with you, Bull, but you might have waited to tell me this until, I don’t know, tomorrow? This is why I don’t date.
- Varric won’t even talk to me. Each time I come near he takes his super long swig from his drink so I won’t say anything. Okay. Gotta get me one of those ever-lasting, bottomless glasses. Whatever. He’s probably still pissed that Hawke sacrificed herself. Her choice, not mine, now please fuck off.
- Vivienne reveals she has heard rumours from the Grand Cathedral that she’s a shoe-in for the next Divine. Great! She can help the Chantry accept and protect Mages among other people. I’m sure she’ll be fantastic. She tells me to go and have fun, but I’m feeling rather tired and retire to my quarters for a moment.
- Bull stops me. He wonders if I have a minute. It’ll only take you a minute, Bull? Well, dear me! He laughs and pushes me inside. He tells me he’s proud of me, and will be proud watching from the crowd when I give a speech to the entire Inquisition with a love bite on my neck. What an asshole.
- Celene depends on me while Briana plans her return from exile. It’s oh so very pleasant having an Empress rely on me.
- The Southern Grey Wardens rebuild, but Stroud at Weisshaupt stops messaging us. They all go quiet which is worrying, but I can’t be arsed to look into it more.
- Vivienne is now Divine Victoria, the first mage Divine. Unfortunately riots start up but she crushes them quickly and effectively. She reinstates the Circle of Magic and she holds great power over the new Templar Order. Many Templars still remain with the Inquisition.
- And me? Well, I settle in for a well-deserved rest.
Emma Fissenden is a writer of all trades. When she’s not pushing through her next rewrite, she’s playing too many games and working as the Editor in Chief of @noblegasqrtly. You can find her on Twitter @efissenden, or check out her other series for TMS, Game Changer.
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