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Bad Gamer Part 20: What Happens If You Play Through Dragon Age: Inquisition Like a Total Jerk?

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Catch up on previous Bad Gamer installments if you missed them!

Skyhold:

I summon the War Council immediately on returning to Skyhold to tell them what’s gone on, but Leliana and Josie are both missing. Leliana has gone to Valence and Josephine to Val Royeaux to see to their personal business even though I expressly forbade them. Maybe they’re afraid of dying with loose ends left behind, but this is hardly the fucking time. I groan and go after them.

Valence:

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First, to Valence Chantry to retrieve Leliana. I catch her just before she goes inside. She’s pleased to see me, but I just want to go. There’s so much other stuff we should be doing, all of it much more important than whatever this is. Leliana tells me this is just how she remembered this Chantry. That’s nice, but can we just get what you came for and go? A Sister, an old friend of Leliana’s I assume, comes to greet us. Leliana shakes her head at me as she embraces Sister Natalie. Something is up. Of course it is. There’s always something up. Nothing can ever be simple.

Leliana introduces me and Sister Natalie drops to her knees in a show of devotion. Urgh, please. I don’t care for displays like this and tell her to stand up. I break away from them to look for whatever it is that Divine Justinia has planted here for Leliana. I’m grumpy as heck and keep knocking things over, but it makes me feel better. A vase clatters across the floor as I push it aside, but it’s for a good cause. The cause of getting me the fuck back to Skyhold.

I easily discover the hidden chamber in the Chantry while Leliana and Natalie exchange awkward small talk. I’m not quite sure what Leliana thinks is wrong here, but I wish she’d just get on with exposing whatever it is. I gesture toward the now open hidden chamber, and Leliana nods at me, whirls on her heel, draws her blade and pushes Natalie up against the statue in the middle of the Chantry. Finally! It’s about bloody time she acted.

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Leliana has sussed out Natalie’s true allegiance during their conversation. She’s allied to Grand Cleric Victoire, one of Leliana’s rivals, and has been sent here to strike a blow against the “heretical” Inquisition. Hahahahaha. Heretical? I never claimed to be the blasted Herald of Andraste, or didn’t you hear? I’m glad this is all resolved and that we know of another target for the Inquisition to deal with, but seriously, let’s just go already. I tell Leliana to kill Natalie. We don’t need her anymore, and I’ve had enough of taking these random people all the way back to Skyhold just to judge and then do the exact same thing to them there. Leliana slits her throat. Blood splatters across the Chantry floor. We go to open the box inside the hidden chamber, but there’s nothing inside. What a waste of time!

Leliana turns the box over to inspect it. There’s an engraving. She reads it out loud: “the Left Hand should lay down her burden.” The Divine is letting her go. Leliana remembers all of those she had to kill in service to Divine Justinia. And? It was a necessary evil, not something mope about. I mean, how many people have I had to kill so far? Do you see me crying about it? No! Exactly. Also, why couldn’t the Divine put this in her letter instead of making her traipse all the way out here to look at an empty box? Something tells me Justinia was a bit of a drama queen herself when she still lived.

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Leliana tells me she doesn’t need saving from her memories and leaves to get back to work. Excellent. Now maybe you can focus on the important stuff?

Val Royeaux:

Now for Josie: Comte Boisvert has invited her to his house to clear up the deaths of her messengers. I roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out of my head. We couldn’t have sent someone else to do this? Boisvert invites us to sit. I get straight to the point: what does he know? He smiles, his mouth the only visible part of his face beneath the mask. He tells us that the House of Repose, a faction of assassins, are following an ancient contract to overturn any attempts made to improve Josephine’s family’s business. Oh well. Better luck next time eh, Josie? Or at the very least can we deal with the House of Repose after we’re finished with Corypheus?

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Boisvert continues: Josie’s family were the target of another noble family. A family whose noble line have already died out. Why in the hell is the contract still valid if this family are no longer around to enforce it? This is beyond silly. Josie tells me there’s no other way to solve this problem but to raise a distant relative of the family up into nobility and get them to annul the contract. Great. Seriously, this is something you can deal with after Corypheus is gone, Josephine.

But the Comte doesn’t think that Josie’s idea is a good one. Josie will still be hunted down in the interim. She doesn’t understand: how does the Comte know this for sure? I stand, the puzzle pieces clicking into place. This man is not the Comte. It’s an assassin! I tell him not to move. I’m going to kill him slowly and I’m going to enjoy it for wasting my fucking time. The “Comte” explains. He isn’t here to kill us. He’s merely doing us the courtesy of explaining the unusual contract before they act on it. A courtesy call? Please. He asks to be allowed to leave. Hah! Denied.

Dozens of assassins appear. I kill them. Obviously. Just before we leave, a muffled cry comes from the cabinet in the corner. It’s Comte Boisvert. Alive? I shake my head, wipe the blood off my face, and head back to Skyhold, leaving Josephine kneeling in front of the Cabinet, assuring the trapped Comte he’ll be just fine.

Skyhold:

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Leliana is not at all focused on Corypheus. Instead, she is focused on Victoire. She orders one of her agents to collect Victoire’s most beloved cousin and have him brought to Skyhold as a guest. Delightfully cold on your part, Leliana, but you’re still not focused on what’s important. Leliana admits she has spent too much time worrying about fully committing to her preferred ways. You mean killing people? I agree. You’re meant to be annihilating targets and doing your job. It’s nice to see Leliana getting over herself, and over the Divine. It is time for her to do what no one else will do for the sake of the Inquisition. It’s time for her to do her job.

She offers her help with Josie’s problem. Josephine has found the family member she’ll raise into nobility, but the paperwork will take much too long. Leliana offers to go to the House of Repose itself and destroy the contract. The Assassins will be obligated to stop coming after her. Josephine doesn’t want any more bloodshed for her family’s sake and puts her foot down on the matter.

I don’t care what she wants. If she’s pussy footing around this, if there are assassins threatening us, I want the threat gone like yesterday. I quietly tell Leliana to go ahead regardless of what Josephine says. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

Emma Fissenden is a writer of all trades. When she’s not pushing through her next rewrite, she’s playing too many games and working as the Editor in Chief of @noblegasqrtly. You can find her on Twitter @efissenden, or check out her other series for TMS, Game Changer.

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