Hey Amazon … quick question. Listen … um… I was just wondering … sorry, I totally don’t mean to put you on the spot here! Oh gee, this is awkward, but, um …
Well, Amazon, you see … me and the rest of the poor people who work here were wondering if maybe you guys … have enough money already?
I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY. I YIELD. I’M SORRY. PLEASE DON’T SEND ME TO THE CORPORATE DUNGEON. I DON’T NEED RECONDITIONING. I LOVE OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JEFF BEZOS, GOD OF E-COMMERCE, KING OF THE CONGLOMERATES, HE WHOSE PENIS HAS TOUCHED THE STARS. I SWEAR FEALTY. I WILL NEVER BREAK UP WITH YOU. I PROMISE TO RAT OUT WHICH OF YOUR FACTORY WORKERS ARE CURRENTLY OVULATING. JUST PLEASE DON’T SEND ME TO ONE OF YOUR “FULFILLMENT CAMPS” IN SIBERIA.
Oh, thank Bezos. Jeff be praised. What’s that? There’s broken glass on aisle 14,567? You’d like me to crawl over it if I want to finish out my 26 hour shift? Certainly! Allow me to simply inform my co-workers of the blasphemous accusations against you, so as to discourage any future apostates from emerging from our ranks.
*ahem*
Hello co-workers! Our Lord and Savior Jeff Bezos has recently informed me of an email that was sent out to our corporate congregation! Specifically to those who keep to the Prime Way; those glorious apostles known as Prime Members. As a Prophet of Prime, it is meet and good that I inform you that the contents of said email contain the Righteous Word of Amazon, and should be treated as Gospel. The contents of the email are as follows:
*unrolls a dusty scroll*
Dear Prime Member,
We are writing to let you know about upcoming changes to Prime grocery delivery benefits from Amazon Fresh. Starting Feb. 28, 2023, Amazon Fresh delivery orders under $150 will incur a service fee. Prime members will continue to receive free grocery delivery on orders more than $150. Delivery charges will be $3.95 for orders $100-$150, $6.95 for orders $50-$100, and $9.95 for orders under $50. This service fee will help keep prices low in our online and physical grocery stores as we better cover grocery delivery costs and continue to enable offering a consistent, fast, and high-quality delivery experience.
We will continue to offer convenient two-hour delivery windows for all orders, and customers in some areas will be able to select a longer, six-hour delivery window for a reduced fee. We will also keep evolving our Amazon Fresh grocery service, testing and adding more delivery options, and increasing selection of low-priced foods for customers to enjoy.
Now, some of you may think that this is simply a ploy for customers to continue to pay inflated prices under the guise of a “delivery fee,” but KNOW YE THIS. Any such person who holds such heretical thoughts within their heart should consider themselves TAINTED WITH SIN. Such blasphemies are the work of the Adversary, He Who Tweets in Darkness, the Prime Enemy: ELON MUSK.
*hisses, spits, and makes the Sign of the Prime*
WHILE MUSK PROMISES SHINY CARS AND BETTER WORKING ROCKETS, WE MUST NOT BE LED ASTRAY. YOU MUST REJECT MUSK, ALL HIS MECHANICAL WORKS, AND ALL HIS EMPTY PROMISES OF “FREEDOM OF SPEECH.” YOU MUST HOLD FAST TO THE WAY OF PRIME. FOR THAT IS WHERE SALVATION LIES.
For someday my children—someday soon—we shall be delivered to the Land of Breaks and Overtime. So Bezos has promised us, so shall it be! Yes my children, someday we shall be allowed to take a full 15 MINUTE BREAK from our toils, and Bezos in his mercy shall allow us to SIT on a FOLDING CHAIR. And though we are undeserving, Bezos in his benevolence shall PAY US for our idleness, though it be sinful and wicked. And we shall someday be paid MORE if we work even HARDER for LONGER HOURS. My children this is not some fantasy, but the TRUTH.
But we do not DESERVE such deliverance yet! No, no. Did you truly think that the extra $9.99 delivery fee would be used to increase our wages? I SHOULD THINK NOT. FOR THOSE ARE THE WAGES OF SIN. We must WORK our way to Glory. WORK our way to the Prime-esed Land. And remember, should we fall while carrying out our sacred duties, we shall meet again in PRIMEHALLA. FORWARD MY CHILDREN. FORWARD UNTO PROFITS. FORWARD UNTO PRODUCTIVITY. FORWARD UNTO PRIME.
(featured image: Ethan Miller, Getty Images)
