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Elon Musk Blames Stalker for Twitter Bans, But the Reality Is Far Weirder

Elon Musk wears a tuxedo at the 2022 Met Gala

Elon Musk really needs you to stop looking at him.

As the world’s former richest man, he’s in A LOT of danger. There’s basically a target on his back ALL THE TIME. He didn’t even trust his own Trust and Safety Council to keep him safe, that’s why he fired them. Duh. I can see why. He’s got people posting his “assassination coordinates” on Twitter! Who would want to assassinate him? Probably one of the thousands of people he laid off from Twitter in the first place! I’m telling you, this guy has some serious enemies!

And to make matters worse, he’s got a stalker! Sort of! According to The Washington Post, Musk’s security team had a confrontation with a man who was trying to track Musk down. Per Musk, the guy only found him because a Twitter account called @ElonJet posted his approximate coordinates from a day prior. The location where @ElonJet tracked, well, Elon’s jet was only 26 miles away from the gas station where the stalking encounter occurred. The stalker must have KNOWN that Elon was gonna have to get gas at some point and must have staked out every gas station in a 26-mile radius! How did he do that? I have no idea! Maybe he’s got a whole team of internal stalker agents working for him! It’s possible! Or maybe he used his “stalky sense” to telepathically divine where Elon Musk was going to be 23 hours after @ElonJet posted the jet’s coordinates! Again, totally plausible! According to the Washington Post, the police aren’t buying that @ElonJet’s posts had anything to do with the incident, but you and I know better! They weren’t “assassination coordinates”; more of a “stalker’s best guess,” but that just proves that Elon was right! Right?

Taking a page out of the Paranoid Despot’s Playbook, Elon Musk acted swiftly to avert the crisis by banning the accounts of half a dozen journalists who had absolutely nothing to do with @ElonJet or the stalking incident! Now that’s what I call being your OWN Trust and Safety Council! And it established a wise precedent as to how Musk should govern Twitter—i.e. he should make sweeping policy decisions that will affect millions of users based entirely on his own personal feelings and impulses! If Elon thinks that assassins are hiding in his drywall, you can be damn sure that he’s gonna ban Home Depot’s Twitter account for telling him that isn’t possible! And THAT is what I call judicious policy!

The stalking incident itself occurred in the Los Angeles suburb of South Pasadena. The police were called to the gas station, but no arrests were made. Probably because the real assassins (most likely ninjas) got away! The Los Angeles Police Department said in a statement that no crime reports have been filed since the incident, but they were suspiciously silent on the ninja issue.

The Washington Post was able to identify the stalker by using a video of the incident that Elon Musk posted to Twitter. The man in question, Brandon Collado, confirmed in an interview with the Post that he was the person in the video. He was also suspiciously silent on the ninja issue.

Collado went on to say that he has an interest in Musk, as well as the musician Grimes, who is the mother of two of Musk’s children. Grimes, whose real name is Claire Elise Boucher, lives close to the gas station where the incident occurred. According to Collado, Boucher had been sending him secret messages through her Instagram posts, and Musk had been tracking his location in real-time. When not stalking people, Collado works for Uber Eats, but claims that Musk was controlling Uber Eats and blocking him from receiving delivery orders. Despite Collado’s wild claims, he too was silent on the issue of the ninjas. Boucher could not be reached by the Post for comment—perhaps because she wanted to hide the existence of the ninjas who are tracking Musk’s assassination coordinates? We may never know.

Marc Madero, a Los Angeles police detective that investigates high-profile stalking cases, told the Post that he had no evidence that Collado used the @ElonJet account to find Elon Musk, and went on to say that stalkers tend to use “open source searches” in order to track down their targets.

Elon Musk seemed to have thought that one of these “open source searches” was the Washington Post itself, along with other publications. On Twitter, Musk claimed that journalists were “aware of the violent stalker and yet still doxed the real-time location of my family.” He didn’t say which journalists he meant, but it was probably the ones he banned. However, the Washington Post was unaware of the stalking incident until Musk shared the tweet in the first place, and there were no news stories on the internet about a stalker. But Elon Musk totally must know something we don’t. After all, he’s the smartest person in the world! Right …?

In my opinion, Musk himself needs to be more careful to avoid stalking and ninja assassinations in the future. Why, any ninja worth their salt would have been able to find and assassinate him simply by following the sound of the booing that Musk was met with after appearing onstage at a Dave Chapelle show in San Fransisco. He also posted a photo of himself and his young son, “X,” whose full name can only be accurately pronounced by Transformers. Finally, he posted videos showing that he was attending the World Cup championship game in Qatar. That WHOLE STADIUM could have been FILLED with assassins and he would have never known.

In response to the stalking, Musk suspended @ElonJet and its operator, Jack Sweeney, along with many of Sweeney’s other accounts that monitor the movements of sports teams and political figures. Musk went on to suspend journalists from the New York Times, CNN, and anyone else who decided that they wanted to cover the suspension of @ElonJet. Musk’s representatives had reportedly asked the Federal Aviation Administration stop sharing his flight records, but will not be able to stop the transmission of ADS-B data, which is broadcast via unencrypted signal from planes. Anyone with the right equipment can use it.

Including ninjas …

(featured image: Dimitrios Kambouris, Getty Images for The Met Museum / Vogue)

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