The time has come and Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department is finally here! So what is the best song on the album? Is that even an easy choice if you get into the secret double album aspect?
Ranking the songs on The Tortured Poets Department was harder than I thought, and I think it is because I need Swift songs to sit with me. Still, we soldier on, and taking the additional songs from the surprise second album, The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology out of it, here is a ranking of all the songs on The Tortured Poets Department, from worst to best!
16. “Fortnight” (feat. Post Malone)
A song you can picture yourself listening to while driving or even in an indie movie, “Fortnight” just puts you into a mindset right as the album starts. With maybe a confession with lyrics talking about Swift was “a functioning alcoholic,” the song is all about how even though they were together for only a fortnight, it ruined her, and that’s incredibly relatable.
15. “Guilty as Sin?”
“Guilty as Sin?” sounds like a bit of Swift’s older music but is very clearly about Matty Healy. One of the lyrics is literally about never touching him and yet ending up being guilty because of it, and given how people reacted to her maybe dating him, it feels obvious. It’s sweet and nice and like many of her songs will eventually become a favorite of mine but for now, I just like it enough.
14. “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”
“I’m queen of sand castles he destroys” is one of those lyrics that you have to sit with because all of “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” is a woman’s diary entry in a lot of ways. She’s sharing with us about the pain of being in the path of destruction from her boyfriend and all the ways that pains her.
13. “So Long, London”
Taylor Swift went from one British boy to another (relatable). After her breakup to Joe Alwyn, she then went to date Matty Healy from The 1975 briefly before getting her all-American boy in Travis Kelce. “So Long, London” seems like a note to Alwyn, but it is also one of those Swift songs that is definitely going to grow on me but isn’t my instant favorite.
12. “Down Bad”
Do you ever have that feeling where you feel like your world is set around one relationship and if it doesn’t work out you don’t know what to do? That’s kind of what “Down Bad” feels like until it switches to the chorus. “F*ck it, I was in love,” Swift sings with moments about her crying at the gym, and “Down Bad” has that vibe that you know you’ll scream sing it when emotional.
11. “Florida!!!” (feat. Florence + the Machine)
Split, towards the end, between trying to forget by going to Florida or burying your regrets in Florida, “Florida!!!” has one consensus: Florida is one hell of a drug. I cannot tell if it is about the idea of retiring to Florida or just the mystery of the state, but either way, I love it.
10. “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
Oh my goodness, having a poppy background with lyrics about how she was so depressed she just pretends it is some other day to get through things? Actually iconic. Talking about having to still be on her best when she is in pain over a breakup, “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” hits to those of us who put on a smile and pretend like everything is fine.
9. “Fresh Out the Slammer”
Sing about Matty Healy, girl. Let me hear about it! “Fresh Out the Slammer” seems to be very much about her breakup from Joe Alwyn into dating Matty Healy and that feeling that brought her to The 1975 singer. I mean … who among us doesn’t understand this feeling?
8. “The Alchemy”
The rumored song about Travis Kelce, “The Alchemy,” is filled with references to football, so who are we to guess otherwise? It has a nice beat, is fun to listen to in a way that the other songs also are, but this is just a little bit more one that I will put on repeat.
7. “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”
As a Scorpio, I do love a song that is very much taking someone down. “Who’s afraid of little old me? Well, you should be” makes me want to flip tables and scream for joy. I just love songs when women especially are like, “Actually, yeah, be afraid of what I’m going to do.”
6. “The Tortured Poets Department”
“The Tortured Poets Department” is a song about lost love but with that pretentious kind of love, describing two people who aren’t Dylan Thomas and Patti Smith but also mocking a man who uses a typewriter still to this day. The little jabs are beautifully disguised behind a sweet sounding song, and it is a perfect title track.
5. “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”
Sometimes, people need fixing, but it isn’t your fault or your job to do it, which is what “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” is about. The entire song she is telling everyone that she can fix him (no really, she can) until the very last moment, when she says that maybe she can’t, and that hits and hurts.
4. “loml”
The feeling of loss when you thought you had the love of your life with you is captured so beautifully in “loml” that you can feel Swift’s pain through it. The entire song is about not having that love anymore after it is gone. With lyrics like “Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry, said ‘I’m the love of your life,'” it has an ominous feeling to it and fragile.
3. “Clara Bow”
A mix of the glamour of an old Hollywood actress named Clara Bow and then going on to talk about Stevie Nicks and more, “Clara Bow” is about finding that one real thing in the middle of the fakeness around you. “It’s hell on earth to be heavenly” is really all you need to know about this song.
2. “But Daddy I Love Him”
Is this still the fan of The Little Mermaid in me? Probably! But a song that literally has the lyrics “But Daddy, I love him” just makes me incredibly happy. A lot of The Tortured Poets Department makes me picture a specific thing I can be doing with these songs, often driving with the windows down. But this song makes me want to just run?! I can’t explain it, but I am obsessed.
1. “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”
“You hung me on your wall, stabbed me with your push pins,” was probably the nicest part of “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived.” Angry, biting, and a song about taking down the person who left you in pain is genuinely cathartic. I mean, a song that says “I would have died for your sins. Instead I just died,” is a shower scream song if I ever heard one.
(featured image: Taylor Swift)
