Ah, Master Wayne. So good of you to join us.
I do so hope that you did not have any trouble returning home to the manor tonight, what with former presidents purchasing firearms and the Gaylors vs. Hetlers gang wars. The modern world is so frightening, isn’t it? It makes one pine for the days when all problems could be solved with a good, swift cuff on the ear. Alas, the internet world is not so simple.
Why, Master Wayne, you look exhausted! You have bigger bags under your eyes than Robert Pattinson in The Batman, and that mane was all done up with eye shadow! You simply must rest. I will not tolerate any arguments to the contrary. Come and sit down.
Master Wayne, I’m going to be very firm and demand that you relax. Think of it as a tactical retreat to reassess and reevaluate your crime-fighting strategies. In fact, I do believe that I have thought up the perfect method with which you can do so: video games.
And not just any video games—YOUR video games.
Yes, Master Wayne, your crime-fighting exploits have become quite popular and have captured the hearts of the gaming industry. You appear in a whole bevy of challenging titles—titles which I have taken the liberty of purchasing for you, along with a bat onesie for your comfort. Now, if you wish to fight crime tonight, Master Wayne, you will have to do so virtually, starting with the first title in the Batman video game saga.
Allow me to explain.
Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009)
Released in 2009, Arkham Asylum puts you in control of—well … yourself—as you journey into the depths of Arkham Asylum. I’m sure you’re familiar with the place. It’s practically your second home at this point. In the world of the game, your nemesis the Joker has purposefully allowed himself to be captured by police (life imitates art, no?) to hatch a deadly scheme. Batman suspects that something is afoot in the asylum, and your suspicions are confirmed when the Joker organizes a mass escape. Hankering to fight the Rogue’s Gallery? Now you’ll be able to do so from the safety of the manor! Look! There’s Killer Croc! Give him a good bushwhacking for me, sir!
Batman: Arkham City (2011)
Set a year after the events of Arkham Asylum, Arkham City starts not with Batman but with Bruce Wayne. A large portion of Gotham has been sanctioned off and transformed into a city-sized prison complex, and Bruce Wayne is thrown into it due to the machinations of Dr. Hugo Strange. Thankfully, I appear in the game to provide you with your necessary equipment. The developers certainly got that one right. While confronting the lawless gangs fighting for control of Arkham City’s streets, you must also contend with the Joker once more—who is dying of a disease caused by his exposure to the super strength-inducing Titan formula in the previous game.
Batman: Arkham Origins (2013)
Oh, the bad old days. I shudder to think of them. Every night you came home appearing as if you had encountered the wrong end of Harley Quinn’s sledgehammer. Arkham Origins is a prequel to Arkham Asylum and tells a riveting tale of your tender and inexperienced youth. The game takes place on Christmas Eve (because villains don’t have the decency to take off for Christmas, apparently) and concerns Black Mask, who has placed a bounty on your head. The price that he offered must certainly have been hefty, for the sum attracts eight of the world’s deadliest assassins to come and collect it.
You will be forced to fend off their attacks, all the while attempting to solve the mystery behind Black Mask’s true identity. I’m sure you won’t have any trouble, Master Wayne. You’re no stranger to multitasking. Though, to crib internet terminology, I will issue you a “spoiler alert”—the Clown Prince of Crime himself makes his debut appearance in Gotham in this game as well.
Batman: Arkham Knight (2015)
Set one year after the death of the Joker (good riddance, I say), Arkham Knight tells the tale of your battle with a mysterious antagonist who calls themselves “The Arkham Knight.” I would not be surprised if you took it personally, Master Wayne. There can be only one knight in Gotham, after all. Ignorant of this, The Arkham Knight calls upon Scarecrow’s help to unleash pandemonium upon the city. The most striking aspect of the story is that The Arkham Knight appears to have intricate knowledge of all of your tactics, gadgets, and abilities. Most terrifyingly, it appears the Knight knows how Batman thinks. I fear that not even I am privy to that sort of knowledge.
Meanwhile, Batman has to thwart the Scarecrow’s rather unoriginal idea to coat the city of Gotham in fear toxin. Hasn’t he tried that multiple times already? Once again, life imitates art. More troublingly, the in-game version of Batman is plagued by disturbing visions of the newly deceased Joker. I certainly hope life isn’t imitating art in that regard, Master Wayne. You would tell me otherwise, wouldn’t you?
Batman: Arkham VR (2016)
I understand, Master Wayne, that pressing buttons on a controller is a poor substitute for challenging Gotham’s criminal underbelly with your own two fists. That’s why I’m certain you will find Arkham VR to be a rewarding experience. Think of it as a virtual reality training ground, Master Wayne. The game allows you to … oh dear, this is rather trippy … to see Gotham through Batman’s eyes. Your own eyes. You’re yourself inside yourself. I do hope that makes sense. Your task? To investigate the mysterious disappearance of Nightwing and Robin. You’ll box a few criminals’ ears, solve a few puzzles, and battle with a few inner demons. All in a night’s work, I trust.
Where are Robin and Nightwing now, you ask? Why, they’re in the next room playing the Lego Batman game. We’ll save that title for your next night off.
(featured Image: Rocksteady Studios / Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment)
