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I’ll Take the Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers That This Neighbor Feels Are Subpar Halloween Candy for Their “Affluent” Neighborhood

"Cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community."

 

Hotline Bling meme with candy

A neighbor who lives in Rancho Cucamonga, CA has taken it upon themselves to put a stop to the rise of “cheap” Halloween candy by shaming the entire community via social media.

Happy Halloween?

I originally saw the post via my latest guilty pleasure Twitter account: Best of Nextdoor.

The neighbor, to their credit, I guess, made the post 4 weeks before Halloween, so it’s not like this was a last-minute call out? They also have been holding this in for THREE Halloweens, so now is the time to put Chad and his subpar candy on full blast.

“I don’t know if this trend is the result of the higher bills or even the new constructions,” or COVID, it could also be COVID, just wanna put that out there, “but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop.”

Infiltrated?!

What is this, a candy sting operation?!

The neighbor continues their PSA by naming the offending candies (Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers) before reminding the fine citizens of Rancho Cucamonga that they are NOT like those people over at Ontario, Fontana, and Montclair.

I know nothing of the cities in question, by the way, so I can’t comment on the state of living in these places. Even if I could, I, um, wouldn’t? Because who shames someone who takes the time to give away free candy?!

Here’s the thing. We all know that everyone ranks Halloween candy. We all know that when you go out Trick-of-Treating there is a candy you are hoping to get more of and a candy you’re kinda “meh” about that you either give to a friend or save for when you finally run out of Twix. And if you’re an adult person like me who knows that you only get a handful of Trick-or-Treaters in your neighborhood, you buy the candy YOU like so you can eat the leftovers later.

That being said, there was never anything wrong with getting what is being called the “cheaper” candy. When we went out Trick-or-Treating back in the day we didn’t discriminate, we’d eat the Smarties AND the Snickers.

And since when were Jolly Ranchers considered a subpar candy?!

Did I miss something?!

It’s not just the candy that’s being judged, it’s the size of the candy as well. “Standard, full, or KING size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween. If you purchased the fun size, you don’t need to return them. Just keep in mind that 4-6 of those fun-size bars equate to a standard size bar when you doll out that candy to Trick-or-Treaters.”

So I guess this neighbor wants their entire neighborhood to be made up of houses that give out regular-sized candy bars (or bigger?!). I’ve only run into this kind of mythical house once in my life, back when my friend’s sister drove us to one of the richer neighborhoods in the area and, my god, one of the houses really did give us full-sized candy cars. We couldn’t believe it!

Listen. No one is gonna stop you from cleaning out the store of its full or king-sized Snickers, but you can’t expect everyone to follow your lead. You also can’t be out here giving grandma and grandpa a hard time for passing out coins?! “Unless you plan on throwing some quarters into the mix, stop peddling your pennies and step up your game this Halloween.”

All right, I’m gonna be honest with everyone right now. As I write this, my kid self is at war with my adult self. My adult self knows that this neighbor is way out of pocket, but my kid self? Doesn’t mind that there’s someone out there championing for bigger candy bars and more money to toss into my pumpkin pale.

Wait.

Was this call to arms actually written by a child? Is there a child living in Rancho Cucamonga who decided to make the adults feel bad for handing out the candy they get at the doctor’s office so this is their attempt to get some M&M’s?

That is the headcanon I’m adopting. This isn’t a snooty parent, it’s two kids in a trenchcoat. It makes the story a lot more fun.

Next time, don’t diss other candies to make your point, kid. Dum Dums can coexist within your dream of king-size Halloween candy.

(Image: Nineteen85/Nestle/Mars)

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Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)