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A Billionaire’s Guide To The Apocalypse

That's great, it starts with an earthquake

Jeff Bezos laughs while wearing a cowboy hat following his trip to space.

To quote one of my favorite musical artists, “It’s the end of the world, and I feel fine.”

For those of you who don’t know, that little number is by R.E.M. I’m currently moving my R.E.M. collection (which includes autographed LPs and guitars, along with a lock of hair from each of the band members) into my unground bunker.

You seem confused.

Why do I have a lock of hair from each member of R.E.M.? Why, to clone them, of course. I’m currently financing top scientists from around the globe to in order to make a state of the art cloning machine. That way, I can grow my favorite band in a test tube and make them perform for me until the end of time. I also intend to use the cloning machine on myself, while I upload my consciousness into a computer chip to be installed in my young, tight little clone body. That way, I can stay forever young and beautiful. While the world burns, I’ll be nineteen forever. Without a care. I can continue “losing my religion,” as it were, until the sun winks out of existence. But by that point, I’ll surely have created some sort of Dyson Sphere technology which can harness the sun’s energy to jettison myself, my private security, and R.E.M. version #45775341298 into the farthest reaches of the galaxy.

Oh. You were asking about the underground bunker?

Why do I have an underground bunker? Because the world has to end sooner or later, doesn’t it? My copious amount of money is on “sooner.”

How to prepare for an End of Days scenario

I assume the End of Days scenario is not religious in nature. If that’s the case, simply pay the pope to forgive your sins and ensure your place in heaven. But if not, then the procedure for surviving the apocalypse as a wealthy person is a relatively simple one.

  1. Acquire adequate shelter.
  2. Stock that shelter with necessities (i.e. food, water, toiletries, strippers, cocaine)
  3. Hire private security personnel to defend said shelter.
  4. Relax

Let’s begin with Step One

Forty-year-old former Facebook product manager Antonio García Martínez has the right idea. Martinez purchased five acres of land on an island in the Pacific Northwest. He also bought a series of heavy duty generators (smart) and thousands of rounds of ammunition (smarter). If poor, lower class survivors come knocking at your security gate, it’s best to let the automated anti-personnel turrets put them out of their misery. After all, that’s Nature’s Way.

Adequate shelter does not have to be stationary. It can (and perhaps even should) be mobile in nature. For example, take this soccer mom wet dream: the Rezvani Vengeance. It’s less of a car and more of a tank. It has armor plating, bullet proof glass windows, an explosive-withstanding undercarriage, electrified door handles, a smokescreen generator, pepper spray cannons in each mirror, and XL cup holders. Is the military trying to prevent civilians from leaving the city after a chemical weapons attack from a hostile world power? Simply drive over them. The Rezvani will survive it.

Alternatively, keep a helicopter with an air filtration system gassed up, so you can take it you to your underground bunker complete. That’s how the investment bankers are doing it. Why settle for just gold coins, guns, and motorcycles like your peers? Make the smart decision and buy protective breathing equipment in the event of a sarin gas attack.

Step Two: Stocking Up

Many of the Silicon Valley’s wealthiest are already hashing out plans to secure resources in the likely event of an apocalypse. According to Tim Chang, a forty-four-year-old managing director at venture capital firm the Mayfield Fund, the Valley’s elite host “financial-hacking dinners” in order to swap “backup plans.” These plans vary in nature, from “stocking up on Bitcoin and cryptocurrency,” to “figuring out how to get second passports.” Chang himself is currently “stock-piling real estate” to generate passive income for himself and his wife. Should California be figuratively or literally split (either by civil war or an earthquake), Chang and his wife will be ready.

Whatever you do, don’t expect to receive any help from government agencies. According to the founder of Reddit, Steve Huffman, FEMA (the Federal Emergency Management Agency) stands for “Foolishly Expecting Meaningful Aid.” He’s right. I fail to see how aid can be meaningful if it doesn’t include a care package of designer drugs that will last at least 70-plus people over five years. No, it is far more responsible to stock up on MDMA and LSD in the short term, while creating underground mushroom gardens to grow crops of psychedelics in the long term.

Step 3: Security

Larry Hall, the C.E.O. of the Survival Condo Project, has that “Hall” figured out. The SCP is a 15-story luxury apartment condo that is built inside an underground Atlas missile silo. He describes the silo as “true relaxation for the ultra-wealthy.” Correct! The only way rich people like us can truly relax is if we are surrounded in a luxury concrete shell that used to hold a nuclear warhead.

Hall knows that his kids are safe to “run around,” due to the “armed guards outside.” Because if there’s anything that ensures the safety of American children, it’s men with assault rifles. And they’re going to have a lot to shoot at. According to Hall, other survivalists take umbrage with the fact that he has built a shelter for the super-rich. They claim that they will take the SCP from him by force, should an End of Days scenario occur. Hall isn’t worried. He claims that hostiles are free to “send the bullets [they] want into this place.” His armed guards will return fire from the bunker’s “sniper post.”

But what if hostilities should occur within the armed guards themselves? What if the men mutiny? There’s a solution for that too: explosive collars. Simply strap explosive collars onto the necks of the guards, just like these wealthy people discussed. You’ll be able to ensure their unquestioning loyalty.

Step 4: Relax

Now you can devote your time to your hobbies. Reversing the aging process, colonizing Mars, uploading your mind into a supercomputer. The possibilities are endless. Personally, I intend to teach my R.E.M. clones to play their entire discography for me. I’m going to throw a series of apocalypse concerts for all my wealthy acquaintances. We’re calling it “Apocochella.” It’s a working title.

(Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

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