Word Is the Fifty Shades Movie’s Sex Scenes Are Being Reshot Because They’re Just Not Sexy Enough!

Holy f***. Sweet mother of all... Jeez.

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It looks like the sex scenes for Fifty Shades of Grey are being reshot because the on-screen bone-town chemistry currently has all the believability of the feather duster in the opening credits of Downton Abbey.

downtonfeatherduster

Stick the duster up there gingerly. Perfect. Now wave it about ineffectually. Nailed it.

Or actually a dish rag, according to one source: “Dakota [Johnson] isn’t coming off sexy enough. Ana needs to be naive, not a dish-rag.” Ouch. That’s just a stone’s throw away from “toilet sponge.”

This news comes by way of The Daily Mail, so take it with a grain of salt, because how could anyone possibly film this material in a way that is unsexy? It’s even sexy with COOKIE MONSTER.

Truly, the very idea of it boggles the mind. My best guess is that the first time around, they had to deliberately tone things down or risk audiences being so overcome with arousal that they’d need to flee the theater for some “alone time.” Somehow, against all odds, they managed to unsexify it, but they’ve undoubtedly come to their senses and decided to stick to their artistic integrity with the reshoots, embarrassing consequences be damned.

Reportedly, a Universal rep thinks they’re at least up to Swiffer WetJet levels of chemistry: “No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.”

But they’ve definitely been spotted reshooting something just four months before the film’s release. Quick! Someone find the Assistant Director responsible for the tone of the feather duster B-roll! We need to bring this performance back up to “only mildly unenthusiastic” levels, stat!

(via dlisted)

Previously in 3 shades of related things

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Dan Van Winkle
Dan Van Winkle (he) is an editor and manager who has been working in digital media since 2013, first at now-defunct <em>Geekosystem</em> (RIP), and then at <em>The Mary Sue</em> starting in 2014, specializing in gaming, science, and technology. Outside of his professional experience, he has been active in video game modding and development as a hobby for many years. He lives in North Carolina with Lisa Brown (his wife) and Liz Lemon (their dog), both of whom are the best, and you will regret challenging him at <em>Smash Bros.</em>