These Are the Anime Characters Who Will Never Measure Up to My Mother
Alright, so listen, all of these anime characters have traits that make them a Taurus. My mother is also a Taurus. And I love my mother. My mother is great. The best. She could take on any of these tough anime moms on in single combat, and she doesn’t have any weirdly unhelpful magical abilities like this mom. So because I love my mother, and because she’s one of the few Tauruses I know, I’m going to be comparing every anime character on this list to my mother. We’re gonna see just how these anime Tauruses measure up to the ultimate Taurus: Debbie Doyle. To be honest, I don’t have very high hopes for these other Tauruses, because my mom is a flesh and blood human being who loved me so much she carried me in her tummy for 9 months and these characters are… fictional people. But you know, maybe a couple of them could come close? Probably not, but don’t tell them that.
Okay, how are Piccolo and my mom similar? Piccolo is one tough bastard, and so is my mom. Piccolo takes punches in the face from tough guys all across the galaxy. As a child, my mom broke her wrist falling off a bed and broke her collarbone falling off a bike. She also once got a splinter that went through her entire hand lengthwise as an adult. It was seriously fucked up, but she kept on going. And that’s where the similarities end. Piccolo is green, my mom is not. Piccolo hardly ever eats solid food. My mom eats solid food three meals a day. Piccolo dies because the Earth exploded and he jumped in front of Gohan to save him from the blast. He was then wished back to life through the help of the dragon balls. My mom never died protecting anyone, but she would if she had to. Maybe not me, cause I’m a bitch, but she would definitely tank a planet-sized blast to save my little sister. Because that’s what moms (and Piccolos) do.
So, the only similarity between Durarara‘s Izaya Orihara and my mom is that they are both members of the human race. And even that is debatable. No, my mom is not some kind of freaky monster in human form, but Izaya probably is. Why? Because he’s a sociopathic little bastard, that’s why. He says he “loves humanity,” but what he really loves doing is putting vulnerable people in desperate situations to see what makes them tick. Literally, his first order of business as the show begins is to fake a suicide pact with a teenager on the internet. Then what does he do? He orchestrates the kidnapping of that same teenager by sex traffickers and then pays somebody to rescue her. Why? For the fucking lolz apparently. Then he meets up with her and pressures her to jump off a building which she does just to spite him. Don’t worry, someone catches her before she falls, but it’s all still massively fucked up. And that’s just the start of what this bastard does to people. He becomes a cult leader for traumatized teenagers. He manipulates street gangs to fight each other. He even claims custody of another character’s disembodied head and hides it from them (they can survive without it but it’s still wrong). My mom has, as far as I know, never hid a disembodied head from anyone! Because it’s rude! And I’ll tell you one thing, if he were my mom’s kid, this would not fly. She would have kicked his ass long ago. He’d be a fucking boy scout if Debbie Doyle had anything to say about it.
How are my mom and Mori-senpai similar? Well, they’re both caretakers. Mori-senpai with his friend (child?) Honey and my mom with her kids (i.e. me). How do they differ? Well, my mom is not the arguably most crushable member of a high school host club. Don’t get me wrong, my mom is beautiful (hi mom!), but she’s past the age of high school romance shenanigans. Meanwhile, Mori-senpai is in the throes of teenage angst. Well, it’s not his angst. He’s inarguably the chillest member of the host club by far, but he has to deal with a ton of teenage angst from his club friends and the scores of female classmates throwing themselves at him. As well they should. He’s the most laid back, responsible, and mature member of the host club. But unlike his smart-aleck friend, Kyoya, he doesn’t need everyone to know how capable he is. He’s content to stay out of the spotlight and help out when he’s needed, which is a lot.
Okay, so this comparison is a bit of a stretch. Both my mom and inosuke like nature? And by that I mean my mom likes watering her hydrangeas and Inosuke likes living in the moutains—like Bear Grylls-ing it—eating bird and grubs and maybe a couple of tuberous roots here and there. My mom likes being out in nature in a shirt, jeans, and some nice boots. Inosuke most enjoys nature with no shirt and open-toed shoes while wearing the decapitated head of a boar. Seriously, the more I think about it the more fucked up it is. He had to kill a boar, cut off its head, and then scoop out its brains just so he could wear it as some kind of fucked up fashion accessory. And does he use any sort of preservatives to keep that hunk of dead meat from rotting? Probably not. I don’t think they have taxidermy in the middle of the woods. So this kid is probably walking around, covered in flies, smelling like an abattoir all the time and the rest of the Demon Slayer crew is cool with it? Maybe they would be, but not my mom. She would tell him to take a three-day long shower, and then take him out to the outlets, and get him a few nice, clean shirts from Old Navy. Because that’s what moms do.
Bakugo and my mom. My mom and Bakugo. The two of them are similar because, well, for starters, you don’t want to piss either of them off. While my mom isn’t going to literally explode with the force of a truckload of grenades, she will let you have it if you’re on some bullshit. But unlike Bakugo, my mother is mature, so she’s only gonna get angry if you’re seriously blowing it, whatever it is. Bakugo meanwhile will blow up at Deku for so much as breathing in the wrong direction. The kid seriously needs some anger management training. In later seasons, he calms down quite a bit. One could even say he matures in his own way. Tragically, we’ll never get to see him grow up because he’s- he’s oh my god I can’t even say it. Just read the manga. I did. And I wish I HADN’T. WHY BAKUGO? YOU WERE SO YOUNG! WHY DID IT HAVE TO END THIS WAY!? AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Excuse me, I need to call my mom.
Featured image credit: Ufotable
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