Last week on The Walking Dead: Tyresse and Carol are chill about Karen now, and Lizzie and Mika went to live on a nice farm upstate where they have plenty of room to run around and chase rabbits, okay? No, don’t ask why I’m crying, it’s not important.
We open on my new favorite character to love-hate, Eugene — whom I will be referring to as “Doctor Mullet” for the rest of ever — who is saying, “Looking at the fossil records, you cannot say for certain that this infection isn’t what killed the dinosaurs.” Um. Um? No. I’m pretty sure I can say for certain that it wasn’t, because there aren’t zombie dinosaurs currently walking around. Although I’m going to make a note of that idea for my next pitch meeting with Asylum Entertainment. Doctor Mullet appears to agree with me that it’s fun as hell to think about even though it’s next to impossible (“that there is a video game worth the preorder!”)
Tara very politely ignores him to pick up a coin she found on the train tracks, which Doctor Mullet claims (after saying “Oh hell yes, score” in the most uninterested voice I have ever heard) can be used to made a homemade battery. When she gives it to him, he says, “For reals?” The more he talks, the more I feel like he’s what would happen if Andy’s dialogue in Parks & Recreation was given to Ron Swanson instead, except Andy in this case is also pretending to know about science.
At night, Tara and Abraham bicker over who’s going to watch over Doctor Mullet, and he maintains that they’ll split from her and Glenn once they find another vehicle. “We each have our missions,” he says. To make a Sailor Moon reference (because what else do I ever do with my time), he is like the outer senshi of The Walking Dead. You know, except for the part where it takes him more than a couple of days to figure out that someone is a lesbian. You can’t tell me Michiru wouldn’t have caught that immediately.
In the morning, they finally come across one of Maggie’s notes to Glenn. Oh, and Sasha and Bob signed their names this time! Yay! Big happy apocalypse family! Glenn reacts to this revelation by calmly allowing himself to experience his emotions and JUST KIDDING. He starts sprinting into the forest like he’s going to catch up with them or something.
After the cold open we check in on Daryl’s new band of bikerless bikers. I’d initially assumed that he’d given up on Beth out of despair and joined up with these guys because he felt like he couldn’t escape his creepy redneck upbringing, but a lot of you think that he’s just biding his time until he can get to Beth, because you’re all probably better and more optimistic people than I am. We’ll see how this plays out, but just so you know, if we were in a real zombie apocalypse, that optimism would probably get you all killed. Just putting that out there.
Speaking of which, a walker comes across the guys sleeping in the forest, but gets caught on their clever trap of “string up some wire at cheek level for maximum grossness.” One of them gets up and bayonets it to death, and then pees on it. Daryl is apparently missing, but he’s left his stuff with them, so he’s probably still around.
Meanwhile, Rick thinks that he, Carl, and Michonne are going to run out of water soon. He’s being a very serious apocalypse survivor right now. Carl and Michonne, in contrast, are doing this:
Michonne tries to psyche Carl out and falls over herself, which she definitely did on purpose to make Carl feel better about his fragile existence. You can’t tell me Michonne doesn’t have catlike reflexes and couldn’t have walked that track for the next fortnight without stopping. As part of the bet he wins his pick of candy bar, but gives half of it to Michonne anyway. Rick looks like he’s about to start happy-crying from all the normalcy. See, this is what good parenting looks like, Rick. Soak it up.
Back with the bikers, we’ve found Daryl — he’s out hunting rabbits. The other biker bowman is behind him, though, and they booth loose their arrows at the same time. The other arrow literally brushes Daryl in the face on its way to the rabbit. “It’s my rabbit now, my arrow got there first,” says the other bowman. “Hey maybe instead of this rabbit, how about eating a dick,” Daryl says back. I might be paraphrasing there.
“You know, I bet there’s a bitch got you all messed up,” the other bowman says. “Catch you walking around here like a dead man, it’s cuz you lost a piece of tail.” I wish I were paraphrasing, but that is all actual dialogue. Then he starts asking invasive questions about how young she was — oh great, they’re pedophiles, too — and Daryl goes to introduce him to his dagger so he can eat that, instead, but the king of the bikers stops him and explains the rules to him. Sure, they live in a group, but it’s still “survival of the fittest,” so they have to “claim” everything that’s theirs or somebody else gets to take it. I’m not going to go back and check, but does anyone else remember if the guy who choke-holded the other guy on Rick’s bed had “claimed” it first before he started getting violent? That would certainly explain things. To settle this particular argument, the biker king solomons the rabbit and gives each of them half.
Back with the Doctor Mullet gang, Abraham convinces Glenn to stop and rest, because they haven’t slept since they “went all Casey Jones.” See, it’s funny because Casey Jones is famous for driving a train really fast and then crashing it and dying horribly. He insists that they go inside this tower they’ve found because it looks safe. Cue the walker noises, like, instantly.
The walker goes straight for Doctor Mullet who DOES NOT EVEN THINK TO MOVE, and Abraham and Glenn have to literally shove him out of the way, knocking over Tara in the process and hurting her knee. Glenn says they should keep going and Abraham’s group can peel off if they choose — or they can keep going now, and Glenn gives Doctor Mullet his riot gear. Noooo, but you look so dashing in it! Rosita calls him an ass for not thinking about Tara in all of this, but Tara insists she can walk. I’m sure her crush on Rosita has grown three sizes this day, though.
Back to biker gang. King Solomon notes that Daryl’s acting like he’s better than them. “Some of you aren’t exactly friendly,” he replies. “You don’t have to be friendly as long as you follow the rules,” the king says back. He’s not wrong. I’m sort of starting to come around on his Hobbesian way of thinking, here. Heck, if they weren’t all a bunch of angry white misogynists with weapons, it wouldn’t be so bad, right? Daryl’s still resisting, but the king keeps trying to convince him that he belongs. “Ain’t nothing sadder than an outdoor cat that thinks he’s an indoor cat,” he says. As an indoor cat myself, I resent that.
Back to Glenn’s group and oh god ugh no:
Doctor Mullet in riot gear is just sad, guys. He walks like Molly Shannon’s character from Seinfeld, like he’s holding a suitcase in either hand or something.
Glenn finds another note from Maggie that’s still wet and excitedly claims that they must be gaining on them. However, they would also have to go through a big scary tunnel that is probably full of walkers to catch up fully, which Abraham refuses to do. He officially decides to part ways from Glenn and Tara. The group says their goodbyes, and Doctor Mullet very awkwardly calls Tara hot. Well, all right.
Glenn and Tara make their way into the tunnel, talking about their feelings and the people they’ve lost. Tara says that losing her entire family wasn’t nearly as bad as seeing what the Governor did to Hershel. Is that why she’s trying to get Glenn to Maggie — as atonement?
The biker gang, meanwhile, has found a place for the night. Daryl still refuses to claim stuff and instead just sets himself down wherever hasn’t been claimed already.
Back in the tunnel, they find a cave-in that’s literally full of collapsed walkers. The blood is still wet, so it’s a recent cave-in, Tara says. Glenn thinks he can make it over because he’s an adorable lovesick idiot. Considering that all the walkers are stuck in rock, it’s actually pretty easy, and Glenn’s also taking the opportunity to check each long-haired walker to make sure it isn’t Maggie. Of course, the other side of the cave-in isn’t… great. Unless you think a giant horde of walkers is great.
Glenn takes his time looking for Maggie in the horde and doesn’t see her, which means she must have made it through. Great, so you can just turn back around and take the extra day to catch up with her then, right? “We have to get rid of them,” he says. Glenn, honey, think about your choices.
Back outside and not in the scary tunnel, Team Doctor Mullet has officially procured a vehicle. Doctor Mullet wants to look at the map because “he’s the navigator.” “Then learn to navigate,” Rosita says back. Apparently the good doctor got one of their own killed with his map-reading sometime ago. “I cannot abide by a reality where you are the chosen navigator over a son of the south who has successfully negotiated the travails and vagaries of journeys both real and virtual,” he adds. Rosita makes this face:
but hands him the map anyway. Girl, I am disappointed.
Scary tunnel time. Glenn has developed a master plan for foiling the walkers, which is “shine the flashlight in this direction and then sneak away in the other direction.” Obviously it does not work because did you forget that Tara’s partially incapacitated, guy? She trips on a rock and gets stuck in the cave-in. GOOD JOB, TEAM.
Doctor Mullet has already gotten them lost. Rosita tells him to just fess up to it. “The gas in this tank is worth more than your ego,” she says. But now Doctor Mullet’s plan is revealed — he’s led them to the end of the tunnel to wait for Glenn and Tara. Aw, Mullet! I know you probably just want to stare at Tara some more with your dull, unblinking eyeballs, but that’s still kind of sweet. Except then, of course, he pushes the seat back right onto Abraham’s face, totally ruining his plan. Abe and Rosita start arguing angrily until Mullet flags them down, looking at something in the distance.
Back with the Sons of Anarchy over in Bikerworld. Other Bowman accuses Daryl of taking his half of the rabbit from his bag. Daryl denies it, of course, but that doesn’t stop Solomon from looking through his things and finding it. Other Bowman probably put it there so he could beat Daryl up, because that’s apparently the penalty for lying and stealing in Bikerworld. This is not against the rules, so Solomon sets him up to lie about it because he saw him do it in the first place, and then they all beat him up.
Tara’s pretty resigned to giving up over in Scary Tunnel. She tries to convince Glenn to leave without her, but he refuses defending her instead with his limited supply of ammo, and it’s looking pretty grim riiiiight up until the cavalry arrives.
Wait, that’s too many bodies, right? There are three in Abraham’s group, and here we’ve got six. Which means…
After the most agonizing commercial break ever, we’re back in the tunnel, where the team has set up camp. Glenn won’t stop talking about how beautiful Maggie is. Aw, no, wait, are you guys going to be this gushy for the rest of the season? Never mind, go back to thinking the other is maybe dead for a while.
Luckily the sexual tension is immediately stifled when Maggie meets Tara. Glenn nicely makes up a new origin story for Tara about meeting her on the road and how she’s a super good person, and Maggie hugs her, and everything is feelings forever. Except for Sasha and Bob, who clearly know what’s up.
Speaking of which, Abe’s just told Sasha and Bob that Doctor Mullet is their official science savior, and they’re having a hard time dealing with this. You know, because they’ve met him. They start making plans accordingly, but Doctor Mullet doesn’t like the idea of them all traipsing up to Washington anymore. They had an armored vehicle before and they still lost eight people, he says, so they should go see what Terminus has in the way of supplies before they get back to the Mission. Abraham reluctantly agrees. Doctor Mullet is definitely stalling, though, right? Like, he’s clearly just some nerd who stumbled out of his parents’ basement on Z-Day, and deep down everybody knows it.
Then Glenn and Maggie move away from the group to have some alone time, and Maggie finds Glenn’s picture of her. Naturally, she tries to set it on fire, because “you’ll never need a picture of me again.” Oh my god, can you not? You have to ease me into these kinds of expressions of love, guys. I am cold and heartless and I need an adjustment period.
Back to Bikerland, briefly. Daryl’s pretty much a part of the gang now. Other Bowman is not so lucky.
Also, the Sons of Anarchy are probably going to try to invade Terminus and take over as leaders or something. Just my guess, since they’re clearly going in that direction. And yes, that was totally them in Rick’s house, as many of you rightfully assumed, so if they find Rick they are going to have a “reckoning.” And oh, look! There’s Carl’s candy bar on the ground. So it’s going to happen. Yay, more Rick. I’m so excited. This definitely isn’t sarcasm I’m trying to convey right now.
Finally, we end on Glenn’s gang coming up on Terminus. It’s surprisingly pretty and even full of flowers. A woman named Mary welcomes them. Something awful’s probably going to happen. The end.
After the emotional gut punch that was last week’s episode, this was a nice palette cleanser of good feelings. We got our first big reunion, with the Grimes family to presumably follow. The biker gang makes for some very interesting antagonists, more so than the flu did at the beginning of this season. And we still have to figure out what’s up with Terminus, because “sanctuary” can’t actually be that easy. Somebody I saw on Twitter guessed cannibals, but I’m hoping it’s not that since nothing can top the amazing cannibal reveal from the first season of The Walking Dead video game (and there was even a motherly figure there as well). Either way, I’m actually looking forward to the season finale next week, which is not what I expected going into this season at all.
To close out, have a picture of the guys from last night’s Talking Dead in celebratory mullets.
Just further proof that Steven Yeun can rock any look imaginable.
- Seriously, guys, I’m still not over “The Grove”
- Wonder how they’re gonna cut that one down for family friendly audiences?
- Heck, I’m still pretty messed up over “Alone,” too