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I Watched Doctor Whore And Its Geek Porn Predecessors And Lived To Blog About It

Wibbly-wobbly sorry Mom.

pleaseherbox

If you felt a shift in the space time continuum yesterday, then congratulations, my intuitive friend—this Thursday marked the release of the Doctor Who porn parody Doctor Whore (yes, I’m not a fan of the name either. Forever weeping for lost Dicktor opportunities) from Wood Rocket, an adult film production company known for such titles as Game of Bones and The Knobbit. So, what’s the deal with Cybersemen and Dildo Baggins? I stared down the rabbit hole (and many other orifices) of geek adult film parodies and am here, for what it’s worth, to report back. Geronimoan!

Before watching, I decided I needed to devise some criteria with which to judge the film. Since Wood Rocket bills D.W. as a parody, a sense of humor would obviously be important, as would the film’s depiction of women. That last appears to be an important point for Wood Rocket as well. Spokesperson Lee Roy Myers told me via e mail that the production company believes:

Traditional porn buyers were predominantly males. The Internet has blown porn up and created a new, modern market which has essentially created a new, modern industry that needs to give people of all genders, races, and sexual preferences and fetishes and tastes what they want. So, there is a lot of adult content made with females in mind now, and not in a condescending or publicity stunt sort-of-way. Modern porn can feature fantasy sex and have it grounded in reality with its’ representation of a healthy enjoyment of sex, equality in gender representation, and feminist ideals.

That “healthy enjoyment of fantasy sex” element seems especially relevant this week, with Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them, Brenna Twohy’s amazing defense of Potterotica, making its rounds on the Internet. So do adult parody films based in geek culture have a similar appeal to erotic fan fiction, and do they give their female characters more humanity and agency than “traditional” fare? Myers had a little more insight into why Wood Rocket is drawn to certain subjects:

Our team is made up of fans of Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Star Wars, Star Trek, and pretty much every interesting Sci Fi, fantasy, comedy, horror, cartoon, or adventure, television shows, movies, comic books, and games.

I think the future of porn will resemble erotic fan-fiction: a combination of pop culture and mainstream entertainment and sex and nudity. People like to be entertained and they like to get off. We try to offer both in the same place. And the idea seems pretty popular so far.

Knowing that I seemed to be safe in the hands of some pretty kinky nerds, I dove in. Fair warning: while all pictures below are PG, links most certainly are not.

diktorwho

As I’ve admitted before, I’m not as deep into the Doctor fandom as many Mary Sue readers, so I suspect that some of the films references were lost on me. Several points that may be relevant to your interests: cybermen are called cybersemen, obviously. A TARDIS, much like a VAGINA, is smaller on the outside than it is on the inside; jokes are made at Robin Thicke’s expense; the Cybersemen moonlight at a male massage parlor and are preoccupied with Netflix. And, oh yeah: Doctor Whore presents April O’Neil as the first female Time Lord ever. Take that, Moffat. [Ed. Note: Yes, April O'Neil was inspired to take her porn name from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]

Doctor-Whore-teaser-April-ONeil-spoils-Doctor-Who-porn-parody

Verdict: 4/5 Rock-Hard Tardises

Once you see the word “Knobbit” in your e mail inbox, who among us is strong enough to look away? (Probably most.) I went on an adventure, guys, and wow was it wacky.

knobbit1

If you, too, are debating going there and back again, some points to consider: in one scene I believe it is implied that “Glandalf” has sex with a Balrog (hey, I am totally fine with that). Later, “Dildo” meets “Ballum,” who insists on using toys to enhance her own pleasure (although obviously more sexualized than Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis’s interpretation of Smeagol, Ballum also could not give two flying fucks about the male gaze). Much to my delight, when Dildo comes, he proclaims “I have arrived.” Yep. I 100% believe that’s the extent of a hobbit’s capacity for dirty talk.

Verdict: 5/5 Hornys of Gondor, or 10/11 Elevenses

knobbit2

If Doctor Whore or The Knobbit still leaves you wanting, there’s always Westeros and its endless supply of “winter is _____” double entendres.

gameofbones

So far, Wood Rocket has made 7 episodes of their Game of Thrones parody Game of Bones. The pilot episode Winter Has Cum was my least favorite of their films yet, mostly because it didn’t really seem grounded in the reality of the show. Props for an impressive animated intro, however. And hey, at least there was a much more equal nudity ratio than we’ll probably ever see on HBO!

Verdict: 2/5 Hodongs

gameofbones2

From what I’ve seen of Woodrocket, their adult films do have some similarity to slashfic in that the writers are cognizant of a fandom’s politics and pet peeves. That’s not always the case for porn parodies—2012′s Star Wars: XXX might have redone some of the original trilogy’s scenes shot-for-shot, but a progressive audience would likely balk at its transphobia and depiction of women. Hustler’s This Ain’t Game of Thrones is aptly named in that, unlike, Doctor Whore, it doesn’t seem well-versed enough in the show to please hardcore (no pun intended) fans.

Bottom line (goddamnit), there are a lot of ways to get your rocks off on this strange little world of ours, and if any of those ways for you involve certain characters or pop culture entitties (halp!), Wood Rocket likely won’t offend your politics or your fan sensibilities. (Hell, they even have a film dedicated to getting contraception from Hobby Lobby.) Now, there’s just one ‘verse I’d really like to see the adult film industry explore a little deeper:

Screenshot 2014-08-21 at 6.57.46 PM

I’ll be in my bunk.

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