The Geekosystem offices are in mourning: It would take Nintendo introducing an 8DS for us to climb out of the trough of despair in which we find ourselves. Why are we so sad, you ask? Well, the website Bros Icing Bros, the site that brought us the beloved frat boy drinking game ‘Icing’, is currently down, replaced only by the cryptic message, “We had a good run, Bros…” It’s like poetry, that. The Village Voice provides evidence that BrosIcingBros.com has been sold for a five-figure sum and will rise from the ashes like some kind of startup phoenix, but we know that the phenomenon will never be the same: Despite its humble beginnings, it may have just gone corporate.
But it’s not just some dumb fad! Icing will live on forever. with that in mind, we present this list of potential Bros Icing Bros peripherals that will turn you into the greatest Bro who ever iced: The Überbro, if you will.
Everyone who knows the rules of Icing knows that the only defense against a good Ice is the deflection: If someone presents you with a Smirnoff Ice, you are forced to drink it unless you have a Smirnoff Ice of your own on your person, in which case they, not you, are forced to drink it. But carrying one or several Smirnoffs around at all times can be hard work — unless you’ve got the proper gear. With the following accessories, not only will you be able to deflect, you’ll be able to do it in style. Get them all and you can turn your next frat party into a non-violent version of the Matrix lobby scene.
The Beer Holster
Picture this: You’re at your latest big Wall Street meeting trying to figure out how to make your inside training even insidier, when you see your coworker and total bro, Doug, striding towards you out of the corner of your eye. You know what he’s up to. The corner of your lips curl upward as you anticipate his coming humiliation.
He pulls out a Smirnoff Ice.
“You just got iced, bro!” he yells.
Suddenly, you twirl your chair around and rip an Ice out of your glorious beer holster.
“No, bro. You just got iced.”
If you’re more Man With No Name than Dirty Harry, go with the outlaw-style holster.
Same story as the Beer Holster, but in addition to being the greatest corporate shark the world has ever known, you’re probably also an incredible alcoholic (don’t make fun: It’s better than the coke addiction all your office bros have). With the Booze Belt, you can deflect like a pro and then also make room for two awesome jugs of whiskey.
Did someone say “liquid lunch”? They sure did! Unfortunately, they were so drunk it sounded more like “licky lunsh.”
Shoulder Ammo Belt
Yeah, we were going to shamelessly post that picture in an article today whether it fit or not. Fortunately we found an article it fit in, so, yay!
Anyway, the Shoulder Ammo Belt. So, let’s just say you’re going to a Dave Matthews Band concert. You just know you’re gonna get Iced. You’re gonna get Iced a lot. With this doozy on, you can deflect potential Icers from every single angle and still have one hand free to wave around a lighter during that rocking third encore performance of “Satellite!”
“Five senses reeling” is right, bro!
Cooler Stick: A MechWarrior-like arm silo for Smirnoff Ices
So you’re chilling in the house with the respective brothers of Kappa Epsilon Gamma and playing billiards as you wait for that night’s mixer with the lovely girls of Iota Eta Sandwich when in walks Danny, that lame little pledge. Dude totally messed up trying to list all of your bros’ names forwards and backwards last night so he needs to get iced. You distract him with a speech about how it’s not what you know but who know and reach for that bag that holds your pool cues. Surprise! You’ve got a sixer of Ices in there!
Bonus: The Cooler Stick keeps your Ices chilled. Rocking, bro!
Jacket with 40 hidden pockets
You and your bros are chilling at the ski lodge getting ready to test out your brand new boards when you realize that 23 of the pockets on your 40 pocket jacket need filling. You’ve already packed the rest with your kicking aviators, an iPod filled with every OAR, Jack Johnson, and String Cheese Incident album ever recorded, regulation-sized beer pong balls, a dime of what your dealer promises you is the sweetest kush around, your favorite one-hitter, and a ton of condoms. But what can you fill the rest with?
You have not seen funny until you’ve seen a guy get iced on a skilift.