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Wolf Spider’s Mating “Purr” Recorded by Scientists, Is Just as Hellish as You’d Imagine

NO. No. Nope. Nein. Non. Negative.

The soundtrack of my soul shriveling up and dying.

Spiders do all manner of things to go out of their way to terrify us: rain down from the sky, act like living Trojan horses for their nightmare offspring, and the old classic: jump out of people’s food items to bite them. Such is the steep price of them saving us from being overrun by insects. But now, thanks to scientists—who just cannot leave well enough alone—we have reached a new level: the sound wolf spiders make to convince other wolf spiders to form an unholy union and create more nightmare-babies.

Male wolf spiders vibrate their bodies to give off this Hellish sound, and their female spider audience can only actually hear it by feeling the vibrations it makes against leaves—or probably your cold dead body shortly before the spiders have victory sex and then devour you, because that’s just the kind of dick move spiders would pull.

(via Live Science, image via Gail Hampshire on Flickr)

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Dan is many things, including a game developer, animator, martial artist, and at least semi-professional pancake chef. He lives in North Carolina with Lisa Brown (his wife) and Liz Lemon (his dog), both of whom are the best, and he will never stop reminding The Last Jedi's detractors that Luke Skywalker's pivotal moment in Return of the Jedi was literally throwing his lightsaber away and refusing to fight.