Hey McDonald’s, it’s me again.
I know things got a little … out of hand the last time that we talked. And I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have threatened to show up naked at one of your locations and demand that your night shift employees weigh me on a scale so I can receive my exact body weight of chicky nug-nugs in return. That was wrong of me. My therapist also mentioned that I shouldn’t have asked for all of your toys. That’s simply too many toys. I would have to Marie Kondo some of them away eventually (my therapist’s words, not mine, I would never), but that’s besides the point.
It’s also selfish of me to demand that many toys. There are plenty of hard-working adults, hard-working adults just like me, with a deeply wounded inner child, who also deserve to have a chance to fall asleep next to the toy in an “adult” happy meal in order to feel something again.
So, I made you this collage. It’s baby pictures of me taken from my parents’ photo album, but all of the pictures of my parents have the faces of your characters pasted over them. Look! That’s Grimace wearing my mom’s old dress, picking me up. Look how happy I am! And there’s the Hamburgler wearing my dad’s watch and giving me a bath! I really love bubbles! Look how happy we are … it’s beautiful isn’t it?
So … speaking of happy. I was curious to know what kind of toy is gonna be in the new happy meals (that I will now wait patiently for) that are coming out on October 3rd. Oh boy howdy! You’re saying that Cactus Plant Flea Market designed them? That’s neat! And you’re gonna show me one? Golly! I just can’t wait to see! I’ll close my eyes … tell me when to open them!
Is that one of them?
Okay … I have a teensy little question …
Why does Grimace have four eyes …?
Is that … funny to you? Oh ha ha it’s a happy meal! It’s just a big joke, is that what you’re telling me …? Are you actually trying to tell me that that is what you think my mother looks like …? The woman who raised me? Whose furry purple teat I suckled from when I was but a little one?
Because if that’s what you’re saying … then I think we have a problem.
eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGHGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? YOU THINK MY LIFE IS JUST A BIG JOKE? YOU THINK YOU CAN DISRESPECT MY FAMILY LIKE THIS? THIS IS MY FAMILY THAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. MY OWN MOTHER. YOU THINK THAT SHE WORKED TIRELESSLY DOWN IN THE CHICKEN NUGGET MINES TO PUT ME THROUGH COLLEGE JUST SO SHE COULD BE LAUGHED AT LIKE THIS? WELL THEN YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. SHOW ME ANOTHER. SHOW ME ANOTHER TOY RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
IS THAT MY FATHER!? THE HAMBURGLER HIMSELF!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU THINK HE HAS FOUR EYES, TOO? OH SURE, YEAH! HE’D NEED FOUR EYES WOUDLN’T HE! HE’D NEED THEM FOR HOW VIGILANT HE HAD TO BE NAVIGATING THE FRENCH FRY FORESTS WHILE HUNTING FOR WILD QUARTER POUNDERS IN ORDER TO FEED YOUR CUSTOMERS. I GUESS IF HE HAD FOUR EYES HE WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER SNEAKING UP ON HIM OUT OF THE UNDERBRUSH AND I WOULD HAVE STILL HAD A DAD TO CELEBRATE MY 8TH BIRTHDAY WITH! BUT HE DIDN’T AND HE PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE FOR THAT. SHOW ME ANOTHER TOY RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Okay now you’re just being funny. My little sister Birdie the Early Bird has four eyes too, right? That’s hilarious! You know why? Because that means she cried double the tears when Dad didn’t come home. Maybe if she had cried double the tears the cruel God that she prayed to, Ronald McDonald Himself, would have shown her a shred of compassion and given her back her daddy. But too bad for her, right? TOO BAD FOR HER. NOW SHOW ME THE LAST TOY.
What is this …?
What is this …?
Is this it? Mr. Cactus Plant Flea Market himself? I see the family resemblance because he’s got four eyes, too. Is this who is responsible for shitting all over my family’s good name? Wow, he looks unperturbed. Look at that smile! This was just another fucking Thursday for him, wasn’t it?
And you shall know the beast by the mark he bears …
The Bible had it wrong. It isn’t 666 … it’s four … isn’t it?
I have to go. I have a lot of thinking to do …
I’ll see you on October 3rd. And yes, I will be naked. And yes you will have to weigh me.
And no, I don’t want a toy.
(featured image: McDonald’s)
