Dear McDonald’s, I need a happy meal. And I need it right now.
Yes, McDonald’s, I am aware that I am an adult. I am aware that my desire to get a paper bag full of chicken nuggets, processed to the point where they may not even be able to legally be called “chicken” anymore, is what other adults would call a “want” and not a “need.” I am aware that my desire to swallow fistful after fistful of fries that are so loaded with preservatives that they could survive a nuclear blast is not actually what one would deem to be “important” on the cosmic scale. I am fully conscious of the fact that my desire to get a little plastic toy that I can talk to, sleep with, and cry while wringing in my hands stems from deep psychological trauma and my unmet childhood needs. I am aware of all of this. And I don’t give a Hamburgler’s ass because I WANT A HAPPY MEAL AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW.
You’re telling me I can have one anytime? Okay, thank God. But wait, let me clarify: I hear rumors that there is a happy meal “for adults” that will be available for people like me but who want to save face and not be seen ordering something for children by the general populace.
When can I get the Happy Meal for adults?
You’re telling me that there’s a Happy Meal that’s being developed by the “adult” streetwear brand Cactus Plant Flea Market? Wherefore was I not informed earlier? And whenfore can I get it? OCTOBER 3RD!? You’re telling me I have to wait FIVE DAYS!? That’s almost a week! What part of “I want a happy meal now” don’t you understand!?
Okay Mickey D’s, give me some good news … where is this happy meal going to be available? What does “participating restaurants” mean!? I didn’t realize that there was an option to not participate? What are they, “Sitting out”? Taking a “break”? Did they “oppose the motion” to carry the happy meal and are now attempting to express their “veto power” or something!? Explain it in a way that my wounded inner child can understand, because right now I am very confused and crying in a corner.
Just tell me this one last thing… how much is it gonna be?
You don’t know yet … ?
I’ll rephrase the question …. HOW MANY OF MY PIGGY BANKS AM I GOING TO HAVE TO DESTROY FOR THIS THING? Because if the price of this particular Happy Meal is anything like the price of a Cactus Plant Flea Market hoodie (i.e. $1,000 on stockx), then I am gonna go through the roof, and then the stratosphere. I’m gonna need like a thousand piggy banks full of pennies to afford this thing. That’s 100,000 pennies!? You think I have a piggy bank full of that many pennies just lying around? Well, lucky for you, I do. Because i’ve been saving up for exactly this moment, and I am going to deliver it to a “participating location” in the trailer of an 18 wheeler at the stroke of midnight on October 3.
And I swear to Ronald McDonald that if you clowns aren’t ready to take my order, then we are gonna have a serious problem … so I might as well place it now.
I want a custom happy meal to remunerate the emotional labor I will have had to perform waiting to cram this thing down my throat. I want a pound of chicken nuggets. One pound. No, that’s not enough. I want my bodyweight in chicken nuggets. After parking my truck in your drive-thru line, I am going to wander blearily through the night until I arrive at your door naked as the day I was born in order for you to get an accurate measurement of exactly how much I weight down to the 1/100th of a gram so you can give me that exact amount of chicken nuggets back. And then I want you to triple that number and give me that amount of fries in short tonnes.
And then I want all of your toys.
No, no, not some. ALL. I SAID ALL. Put them in the truck. I don’t care if it takes you all night. DO IT.
And then a small Sprite, please. Thank you.
(featured image: McDonald’s)
