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Twitter Decides Vampires Are Rich Because Being Broke After Centuries Is Too Depressing to Think About

I too hope that I have my sh*t together after at least 300 years.

Twilight

In today’s episode of, “This is why I haven’t deactivated Twitter yet,” we will be discussing the financial status of vampires.

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According to a good portion of vampire media, there are a lot of perks to living a life where you might have to give up garlic (I say might because maybe you can handle it in small, cheesy bread doses). Vampires typically get a grandiose home without any pesky mortgages or property taxes, always find stylish clothing in their size, and operate best at night instead of calling it quits at 9PM. (I’m getting old, y’all. I’m sorry.)

Also? Their skin is free of blemishes, their hair is tangle-free without needing any sort of deep conditioner, and apparently, they’re just wealthy.

Forever.

So wealthy that some of them lounge around, quite bored with the whole thing because money means nothing to them; it just … is.

In this economy?

How?!

God, I love it when Twitter gets like this. Let’s analyze the responses!

After 527 years vampires (hopefully) have their lives together

This was the biggest response, by far.

After being alive for centuries, vampires should, in theory, know what they’re doing financially, right? Depending on how old a vampire is, they’ve probably seen and experienced enough economic hardship to be able to keep living their best lives. They’ve probably invested in all the right things (or the wrong things, but have been able to recover because they’re 348 years old), have inherited things from an ongoing line of vampiric wealth that they haven’t squandered on NFTs (hopefully), or they’ve saved a whole lot of paychecks over several decades.

Of course, if this isn’t the case, and there is an immortal creature who’s living paycheck to paycheck, Twitter has decided that they would simply turn into ash out of pure embarrassment.

Can you imagine the scorn you’d face if you were a 439-year-old vampire who still had a car note? Can you imagine your vampiric friends and family reminding you how this other younger vampire is doing so much better, and wow, they’re only 212 years old! I imagine the reflection-less entities who don’t own acres upon acres of land just hide their vampire status from the public. I mean, I probably would, too, if I made it to my 7th century birthday and had my debit card declined when trying to commission someone to make me a beautifully embroidered cape.

Or if I watched gazillionaires planning space shuttle trips while I remained on Earth, with human bills to pay.

They don’t have the same expenses as everyone else

While the image of a poor vampire clipping coupons to try to save some money on tomato juice is amusing, this does raise a valid point. If vampires only need to live on blood, then I guess they wouldn’t have a grocery bill. Also, if they’re hanging around other vampires, they wouldn’t have to figure out food expenses for an entire family. At most, they would maybe need to spring for food at a restaurant for the whole “seducing my next meal” trick, unless they’re just prowling through the streets and picking targets on a whim.

Basically, not keeping the receipt to fill out a customer service survey to get 10% off your next purchase is a bonus for your bank account.

Robbery, probably, or using their supernatural abilities

I mean, hypothetically speaking, of course, if I were an ageless, immortal being who had to feed on people to live, I would most definitely be robbing them.

Like.

A lot.

This might not be as advantageous as it sounds, though, as we currently live in an age of PayPal, direct deposits, and not carrying cash around as much as we used to. You’d have to figure out a way to access your victim’s bank accounts, but I’m sure that with the right kind of abilities, that could easily be arranged.

Or you could garner your wealth without bringing harm to anyone at all.

Basically, in order to retain your vampiric wealth, you just have to drink blood from the right people, or maybe befriend a vampire who has a particular set of skills that they can use to help you out (unless, of course, you yourself have those skills).

All in all, I’d say these are pretty solid reasons for why vampires are rich all the time, or if they’re not rich, they’re definitely not talking about it.

(Image: Summit Entertainment)

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Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)