Twitter Decides Vampires Are Rich Because Being Broke After Centuries Is Too Depressing to Think About
I too hope that I have my sh*t together after at least 300 years.
In today’s episode of, “This is why I haven’t deactivated Twitter yet,” we will be discussing the financial status of vampires.
According to a good portion of vampire media, there are a lot of perks to living a life where you might have to give up garlic (I say might because maybe you can handle it in small, cheesy bread doses). Vampires typically get a grandiose home without any pesky mortgages or property taxes, always find stylish clothing in their size, and operate best at night instead of calling it quits at 9PM. (I’m getting old, y’all. I’m sorry.)
Also? Their skin is free of blemishes, their hair is tangle-free without needing any sort of deep conditioner, and apparently, they’re just wealthy.
So wealthy that some of them lounge around, quite bored with the whole thing because money means nothing to them; it just … is.
In this economy?
Why are vampires always wealthy in movies? Like how do they make a living lmao
— 🥣 (@pholanthropist) November 13, 2021
God, I love it when Twitter gets like this. Let’s analyze the responses!
After 527 years vampires (hopefully) have their lives together
if you’ve been alive for 652 years and you’re still broke I’d be looking at you funny tbh 😭 https://t.co/4wZcSsRmwu
— full-snack developer 🇭🇹 (@notdanilu) November 13, 2021
This was the biggest response, by far.
After being alive for centuries, vampires should, in theory, know what they’re doing financially, right? Depending on how old a vampire is, they’ve probably seen and experienced enough economic hardship to be able to keep living their best lives. They’ve probably invested in all the right things (or the wrong things, but have been able to recover because they’re 348 years old), have inherited things from an ongoing line of vampiric wealth that they haven’t squandered on NFTs (hopefully), or they’ve saved a whole lot of paychecks over several decades.
Of course, if this isn’t the case, and there is an immortal creature who’s living paycheck to paycheck, Twitter has decided that they would simply turn into ash out of pure embarrassment.
generations to build generational wealth.. and you came up with nothing? despicable 😭
— full-snack developer 🇭🇹 (@notdanilu) November 14, 2021
an immortal broke person is reading this somewhere like pic.twitter.com/CyLoGpj8CQ
— hailey, dimitri simp (@thenewbigpapaya) November 14, 2021
when they immortal and broke pic.twitter.com/2BBVo4Ye4I
— Mehul | મેહુલ (@MehulATL) November 13, 2021
Can you imagine the scorn you’d face if you were a 439-year-old vampire who still had a car note? Can you imagine your vampiric friends and family reminding you how this other younger vampire is doing so much better, and wow, they’re only 212 years old! I imagine the reflection-less entities who don’t own acres upon acres of land just hide their vampire status from the public. I mean, I probably would, too, if I made it to my 7th century birthday and had my debit card declined when trying to commission someone to make me a beautifully embroidered cape.
Or if I watched gazillionaires planning space shuttle trips while I remained on Earth, with human bills to pay.
How you let Elon Musk beat you to a billion?!,!,!,!?!? YOU HAD 400 YEARS IN HIM. U COULD HAVE INVENTED ELECTRICITY pic.twitter.com/PXII3l0CzI
— 🦋🎁 (@simply_lay_) November 14, 2021
They don’t have the same expenses as everyone else
Aye not buying food is a valid coin stacker I never thought about for vampires lol.
— Woo Soh Shiesty (@RasAlGoku) November 13, 2021
While the image of a poor vampire clipping coupons to try to save some money on tomato juice is amusing, this does raise a valid point. If vampires only need to live on blood, then I guess they wouldn’t have a grocery bill. Also, if they’re hanging around other vampires, they wouldn’t have to figure out food expenses for an entire family. At most, they would maybe need to spring for food at a restaurant for the whole “seducing my next meal” trick, unless they’re just prowling through the streets and picking targets on a whim.
Basically, not keeping the receipt to fill out a customer service survey to get 10% off your next purchase is a bonus for your bank account.
Robbery, probably, or using their supernatural abilities
You mean to tell me you’re eating people and NOT robbing them? That’s the line we’re not crossing?! pic.twitter.com/NRJmVmokMi
— 🐺 (@kadina411) November 14, 2021
I mean, hypothetically speaking, of course, if I were an ageless, immortal being who had to feed on people to live, I would most definitely be robbing them.
I’d just be robbing rich people and squatting in their mansions until the jig was up.
— Wheelbarrel Tim aka Baby-Legs O’Shanahan (@notBIGorshort) November 13, 2021
This might not be as advantageous as it sounds, though, as we currently live in an age of PayPal, direct deposits, and not carrying cash around as much as we used to. You’d have to figure out a way to access your victim’s bank accounts, but I’m sure that with the right kind of abilities, that could easily be arranged.
I always wondered this. On the show Vampire Diaries they can compel people so I chalk their money up to that. They can look in your eyes and tell you to do anything and you will do it and forget you did it.
— Ash ❤❤ (@ayesap_ash) November 13, 2021
Or you could garner your wealth without bringing harm to anyone at all.
I think Twilights author said that they play the stock market since Alice could see the future
— 🌻 (@theloudgirl) November 13, 2021
Basically, in order to retain your vampiric wealth, you just have to drink blood from the right people, or maybe befriend a vampire who has a particular set of skills that they can use to help you out (unless, of course, you yourself have those skills).
All in all, I’d say these are pretty solid reasons for why vampires are rich all the time, or if they’re not rich, they’re definitely not talking about it.
Reminded me of this pic.twitter.com/I2XptaARyg
— tanu back in business (@24x7heaven) November 14, 2021
(Image: Summit Entertainment)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
Have a tip we should know? [email protected]