Dennis gets his O in the sweatiest way possible (sorry)

This Redditor’s Favorite Sex Song Has (Unfortunately) Become the Song of the Summer

Sex. It’s a natural part of life that most people don’t have to think twice about, once they get right down to it. When consensual, and with a good partner, sex is a fun and beautiful thing that doesn’t usually require a whole lot of planning in advance. However, some people tend to overthink their performances and get anxious, and might need some help in order to “get better.”

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For these people, music is often a helpful tool that both relaxes the body and adds a sensuality to the act. Yes, yes, sex and music: a combination as timeless as cheese and wine. One redditor certainly found it helpful in regard to his performance anxiety—until his poor girlfriend had had enough. He explained the situation in a now-viral post on the reddit forum r/tifu, or “Today I Fucked Up.”

Now, without knowing what the song is, this seems like a fairly innocuous, if annoying, problem. The guy should probably not be so attuned to specific songs that his girlfriend can recognize his thrust rhythms based off whatever song is in his head—my man, you gotta make your own rhythms, be creative with your athleticism. All the same, without knowing the full context, this can just be chalked down to a classic error in communication.

Unfortunately for her, the song in question was this:

Please read the comments, they’re gold.

Y’all, I’m pretty open-minded, but if a man tried to enter me with THIS playing in the background, I’d probably enter a fugue state and try to smother him with a pillow. Good lord. The woman put up with this for two years??? I don’t know whether to commend her patience or stage an intervention.

What really gets me is the fact that this guy has apparently had other partners before her, and he played the same schtick for them, too. What the hell is it about this guy? It’s like that episode of Sex and the City where the girlies all get in on a conspiracy that every single guy is secretly a circus freak. Ladies, he may be handsome and have good credit, but there’s a catch: in order to cum, he has to put on the song that literally plays during a Workaholics party aftermath scene.

And look, a part of me feels conflicted writing about this at all, because my gut tells me it’s a shitpost, but it’s the internet, who really knows. I don’t want anyone to needlessly get on this guy’s case, whatever the deal is. Sex can be awkward and people are wild, so it goes.

But I will say this. I’ve never been someone who listens to music during sex. It takes me out of the moment and makes me focus on trying to make the whole thing “sexy,” when it’s really more important to me that I connect with my partner. So, Guy, if you’re reading this: maybe the squishy WhiteBoy beats aren’t the cure-all for your sexual anxieties. Maybe you need to get more in tune with your partners and start establishing some confidence in your own dang rhythms.

And yeah, you’re allowed to like this song, but, I mean … I like a lotta songs man, doesn’t mean I’d play them while getting it on. My favorite song is “Milk” by Sweet Trip, and I already know if I played that song during sex, I’d get all quiet and probably ask my partner to leave so I could have a crywank. Reading the room is a powerful tool that I encourage all you modern lovers to use.

In any case, might be a funny thing to try with your partner. You know, listening to the hell that is Cbat while trying to slip it in. Go crazy, kids. Just don’t lose the beat.

(Featured Image: FX)

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Madeline Carpou
Madeline (she/her) is a staff writer with a focus on AANHPI and mixed-race representation. She enjoys covering a wide variety of topics, but her primary beats are music and gaming. Her journey into digital media began in college, primarily regarding audio: in 2018, she started producing her own music, which helped her secure a radio show and co-produce a local history podcast through 2019 and 2020. After graduating from UC Santa Cruz summa cum laude, her focus shifted to digital writing, where she's happy to say her History degree has certainly come in handy! When she's not working, she enjoys taking long walks, playing the guitar, and writing her own little stories (which may or may not ever see the light of day).