This Photorealistic Picture of George Washington Can’t Hurt You
Have you ever thought to yourself “What would George Washington look like now?” To provide historical context that absolutely no one asked for, the X page History Defined released this picture of George Washington — it should come with its own trigger warning.
While it was intended to show what the Founding Father might have looked like had he been born in the modern era, it instead provides a painstakingly accurate portrait of my own personal sleep paralysis demon. While I’ve seen this sallow-cheeked, dead-eyed figure standing at my bedside at three in the morning, I didn’t expect to be jump-scared by it while checking on the status of world events (its own jump-scare, to be sure)
Who Is Reponsible For This?
If you believe that those responsible for the internet atrocity that is modern-day George Washington, should be tried at The Hague, you’re welcome to call Interpol on History Defined. They post a variety of historical content, including modern-day videos of the Medieval city of York and early-career Cameron Diaz audition tapes. Their videos are generally inoffensive and entertaining, but in the case of this Washing-tradegy, I am left feeling slightly offended, moderately unenthused, and of course, extremely terrified.
Some Say 2026 George Washington Looks Oddly Familair
The comparisons are coming in from far and wide, and some are certainly more charitable than others. The leading conclusion is that this George Wash-My-Eyes-Out-With-Acid looks a lot like Charles Dance, who played Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones. To this I say: absolutely not. Charles Dance is handsome, charming, and charismatic — this Found-On-The-Side-Of-The-Road Father has a face that not even Mary Ball Washington could love. Saying these two look alike is like comparing Chipotle mayo to a freshly hocked loogie. While their appearance is similar through squinted eyes blurry with terrified tears, one I would be happy to encounter on a lunch date, and other is only good enough for the gutter.
But the comparisons don’t stop there, the most accurate of which compares George Go-Away to former Ohio State President Ted Carter, who apparently resigned due to an “inappropriate relationship,” according to New York Post. I don’t know the exact details of this “inappropriate relationship” because the idea of reading a New York Post article is about as appealing as a 24-hour staring contest with George Washed-Out himself, I feel that any relationship with the Washing-clone would be equally untoward.
Some say that Washington 2026 looks like Doug Burgum, others make a comparison to Roger Stone, but one user knows the truth. Beneath the docile veneer of a distinguished politician is an abomination, a centuries-old corpse reanimated to walk the earth in an act of necromantic horror. It’s evil. It’s repugnant. It’s just plain wrong. However, it’s nowhere near as horrifying as this fact about America’s first President himself: contrary to popular belief, his teeth weren’t made of wood, but actual human teeth from enslaved people. For this reason alone, George Washington should stay off the internet and in the ground where he belongs.
(featured image: Gilbert Stuart)
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