‘This isn’t a war, it’s a situationship’: SNL Roasts The Labels Around the Iran War
Saturday Night Live’s latest Cold Open featured Colin Jost as Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth and Ashley Padilla as former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem. Needless to say, their satirical responses to the press are uncomfortably hilarious.
Jost entered the scene with a handstand, then spits ‘Sprite’ all over the stage. Not that anyone believes him, given the Secretary of War’s reputation as a drinker.
“As you may have seen from our epic Pentagon meme drops, we’re treating Iran like a breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up,” Jost says, which isn’t far from what’s currently happening in reality at the moment. As Hegseth bombs Iranians—hitting a school in the process—he has also been letting his social media team run edits of the war overlapped with pop culture references and memes.
“Cut Iran into pieces, make it into a Trump resort,” Jost says, in reference to the Papa Roach song “Last Resort.” SNL may be giving the Trump administration a sinister idea with this parody. He finally addresses the supposed members of the media on stage, but not before telling them that their questions will be thrown “directly into the trash can.”
Pressed over semantics
One reporter asks about the war, but before he could even answer the question, Jost cuts him off. “War? Okay, who ever called this a war? Except maybe the president a couple of times accidentally,” Jost insists that what’s happening in Iran isn’t a war.
“This isn’t a war, it’s a situationship,” he says, going into weirder terminology over the ongoing military operation. “We’re gonna hook up. We’re gonna see where it goes. If it feels good, we’ll keep going. And if we get bored, we’ll start hooking up with Cuba.”
When Jost was asked if there will be boots on the ground, he proceeded with the classic ‘yo mama’ joke. He was eventually pressed to answer what’s happening—the very purpose of the war. “Okay, I’ll tell you what’s happening. We don’t know, okay? And that’s the whole point.”
If Hegseth said this in reality, it would be nearly believable. The Trump administration has recently been hinting at pursuing an operation in Cuba. Whether it be a military operation or otherwise has yet to be revealed.
Cuba aside, the Trump administration has also been insistent on the strikes against Iran as a ‘military operation’ and not a full-scale war. But terminologies matter little when bombs are raining on the streets of Tehran.
Kristi Noem thrown under the bus
“After year, singular, of hard work, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been reassigned under the bus.” Ashley Padilla enters the stage with possibly the most messed-up joke in SNL history: “Thank you, Secretary Hegseth. I just want to make it clear that I didn’t get fired. I self-deported.”
She continues, “But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have no regrets. Because, like they say, you miss 100% of the dogs you don’t shoot.” It’s a cringe-inducing joke that references Noem’s confession of murdering her dog.
She ‘tearfully’ says goodbye. “Time has come for me to turn in my badge, gun, lips, lashes, teeth, and forehead,” Padilla’s character holds on to hope that the goodbye isn’t forever, but Jost cuts her off, saying that it is definitely forever.
Needless to say, the satire is hilarious—if only it didn’t look like an exaggerated documentary of this current moment in history.
(featured image: NBC)
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