Gwyneth Paltrow wears a thick knit sweater during her skiing injury trial.

The Musical Based on the Gwyneth Paltrow Ski Trial Is My Roman Empire

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski court saga is about to take on a whole new life on the stage, and I could not be more thrilled.

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In case you have a life and don’t spend your free time reminiscing about two glorious weeks in spring 2023, the world was allowed to watch “Ski Court” aka the trial between Paltrow and optometrist Terry Sanderson. The TL/DR of it (and trust me you want that, or else we’ll be here for hours) is that Sanderson sued Paltrow for $3.1 million for allegedly crashing into him years earlier on a Colorado ski slope. Paltrow countersued Sanderson for a mere $1, declaring he caused the crash. A jury ultimately agreed with Paltrow. This description of the trial of the century (at least to me) does not properly capture the magic of ski court. One of Sanderson’s claims was that the crash caused a personality shift, and Paltrow’s team counteracted that with an argument that essentially boils down to “That’s not true Terry, you’ve always been an a**hole.”

The trial gave us everything: Paltrow on the stand, snottily telling lawyer she “lost a half day of skiing” due to the crash, as if it were a devastating blow to her life; an amazing drawing of the physics of the ski crash, which looked like the stay puff marshmallow man from Ghostbusters; an opposing legal team that seemed to fawn over and compliment Paltrow as much as they tried to poke holes in her story; and the grand finale, where Paltrow gave Sanderson the bone-chillingest f*** you, to anyone who knew how to speak fancy wellness white lady once she won the case: “I wish you well.”

The point is, I want to live, forever, in this trial and some geniuses in London are giving me the next best thing: they’re creating a musical around it. Can I get a hell yes? Variety had all the deets for what will soon be my favorite musical of all time:

“Gwyneth Goes Skiing” is based on the court trial between Paltrow and Sanderson that took place earlier this year.

[…]

“She’s the Goop-founding, Door-Sliding, Shakespeare-In-Loving, consciously-uncoupling Hollywood superstar. He’s a retired Optometrist from Utah. In 2016, they went skiing,” reads the logline for “Gwyneth Goes Skiing.” “On the slopes of Deer Valley, their worlds collided, and so did they – literally. Ouch. Seven years later in 2023, they went to court. Double ouch. This is their story. Kind of. Not really. But also, it’s at Christmas.”

The show at London’s Pleasance Theatre, which runs for 10 days from Dec. 13, will see audience members participate as the jury.

Variety

Quick, somebody, anybody, get me a ticket to London so I can see this play! I want to relive the magic of ski court. Please. Linus Karp will play Gwyneth, with Joseph Martin as Sanderson. The show will feature original music by Leland (RuPaul’s Drag Race).

What made ski court so special and wonderful was how incredibly low stakes it was. Sanderson had every opportunity to drop the case and walk away. Paltrow had eyewitnesses on her side and was willing to drop the whole thing, but greed (and possibly the aforementioned a-holery) was on Sanderson’s side and he simply wouldn’t let it go. Thus, the world was treated to the spectacle of rich people fighting over a very dumb thing, and we were all the better for it. Except for Sanderson, obviously.

However, with “Gwyneth Goes Skiing,” now might be the time for Sanderson’s redemption in the eye of the public, since audience members get to be the jury for the trial. Not likely, but anything that lets me talk about ski court more makes me happy. I cannot wait for reviews, and I will wait with bated breath for the play to make its way across the pond so I can once more submerse myself in the magic of ski court.

(featured image: Rick Bowmer-Pool/Getty Images)


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Author
Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson (no, not that one) has been writing about pop culture and reality TV in particular for six years, and is a Contributing Writer at The Mary Sue. With a deep and unwavering love of Twilight and Con Air, she absolutely understands her taste in pop culture is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. She is the co-host of the popular Bravo trivia podcast Bravo Replay, and her favorite Bravolebrity is Kate Chastain, and not because they have the same first name, but it helps.