Teen Wolf Recap: Illuminated

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In which it’s Halloween in January, the writers punk out on confirming a bisexual character, and Derek has no interest in your raves. Beacon Hills is a small town! Why do they even have so many?

After the Firefly Demon Dudes attacked Isaac at the end of last episode they just floated away, leaving Chris to kickstart the woobie werewolf’s healing powers by punching him repeatedly in the face. It’s a credit to Mr. Argent that I don’t even think he had the ulterior motive of beating up on the werewolf his daughter was just macking with. Well, maybe a little. Chris says the Firefly Demon Dudes might be after him and makes Allison and Isaac promise not to tell anyone about the attack for 24 hours.

Meanwhile Agent McDouchebag McCall is interrogating Scott, Stiles, Kira, and Lydia about what went down with Barrow at the power station. Stiles is in true Grade A Little Shit form, and the Sheriff’s loving it, because NO ONE likes Agent McCall. We find out that Barrow must’ve had a puppet master, someone who helped him escape and sicced him on Kira. Also Kira’s phone is taken as evidence, which is a major problem because the pictures Barrow took of her clearly reveal her super secret electricity powers.

At school Stiles recommends that Scott stay away from Kira until they know for sure that she’s not, I dunno, a people-killing monster. But try to get Scott to not be the sweetest, friendliest person in the world to a lonely girl with no friends? Pah. You might as well try and get bears to stop peeing in the woods, or Jeff Davis to stop torturing Derek as a plot device. Not gonna happen.

Danny, still blissfully unaware of all the supernatural shenanigans going on around him, is trying to organize a Halloween rave, only he can’t book a venue on account of the entire town’s power being out. Are these the problems that typical high schoolers have? I used to meet with friends for cupcakes and Muppet movies. Get off my lawn.

Ethan, still smitten with Danny (who wouldn’t be?) tries to convince Aiden that the best way to get Scott to accept them into his pack is to do nice things for people. At first I was appalled at the idea that helping Danny find a place for his Halloween party would even be considered a starting place for making amends for the death of Boyd (and Erica—the twins weren’t involved directly in her death, but they still had a hand in it. Maybe I’m just pissed that no one’s even mentioned her so far this season.  Not even Isaac! They were BFFs!).

But helping old ladies across the street and the like probably is a pretty good tactic for getting into Scott’s good graces. He’s Mr. Puppies and Rainbows, after all. Lydia’s not so inclined to be forgiving. In biology class—where the new teacher is Lydia’s mom, because BHHS’ new hires can only be pulled from the ranks of villains or students’ families, or sometimes both—Aiden tries to get his flirt on, but she is having NONE OF IT, explaining that he’s not a “bad boy,” he’s a “bad guy,” and she doesn’t want him in her life.

I’d like it more if I weren’t convinced that all this isn’t a setup for the twins’ eventual redemptive arc and acceptance into the pack. Stop trying to make fan interest in the twins happen, Jeff. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Give us more of characters we actually care about. Give us more Danny. Hell, I’d take a full episode of nothing but Greenberg taking a nap over the twins becoming full-fledged Scoobies.

Over in Angsty McManPainLand, Derek scares the willies out of some trick or treaters by flashing them some fangs… but not before he gives them candy. I repeat, Derek Hale had candy on hand to give to trick or treaters. And he smiles after they run away, not an evil smirk of “Ha ha, that’ll teach those kids to intrude on my broodiness,” but an actual FOND GRIN of “Heh, that was fun. Also, kids shouldn’t ask random leather-clad strangers on the street for candy, I don’t care what day it is.”

So of course Derek has approximately 15 seconds of his life not being a total shitshow before the Firefly Demon Dudes attack him.

Scott and Kira, with Stiles’ help, break into the sheriff’s station (leaving finger prints all over the evidence room) and delete the incriminating pictures from Kira’s phone. There’s a brief hiccup when Agent McCall shows up, but Stiles distracts him by saying he knows the awful thing he did that made Sheriff Stilinski hate him so much.

Agent McCall, WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. Did he kill puppies? I bet he killed puppies.

Turns out Aiden volunteered Derek’s loft for the rave site, which is a little weird considering the last time they crashed there I’m pretty sure they were killing Boyd. Ethan pulls a Harlequin and rips Danny’s shirt so he can apply paint to him, and Teen Wolf writers, you know I have no problems with male shirtlessness. Using it to sexualize a torture scene is a little weird, but if I weren’t OK with glistening pecs ‘n’ abs in general theory then I would not be watching your show. And Danny has some nice pecs ‘n’ abs! But I’d rather you give him an actual role in the show instead of just inviting him to the table every now and then to move along the twins’ storyline and provide beefcakery, please and thank you. He’s better than that.

Ethan gets attacked by the Firefly Demon Dudes, as does Lydia, but not before she shoots down Aiden’s request that she forgive him for killing Boyd because he set up this sweet party! LOL, no. Raves are so ’90s. Scott and Kira are there being all cute. Allison and Isaac are there being all sexual tension-y. Oh, and we see that in Scott’s Alpha vision Kira looks rather…

As in the aura of energy surrounding her looks like a fox.

Stiles is off getting friendly with Caitlin, the character whose girlfriend was killed last season. She’s back, she’s drunk, and she’s bisexual now. Someone needs to tell Jeff Davis that when you’re aiming for being progressive and having a variety of sexual orientations on your show, it helps to not retcon a character previously established as lesbian into not being a lesbian anymore. Davis explicitly said in interviews that Caitlin was introduced as a lesbian character, and now she’s not, because the writers don’t have the cojones to come out and say Stiles is bisexual instead of just joking about it. Caitlin asks Stiles if he likes boys, and Stiles hesitates. I appreciate that it wasn’t a denial, that Stiles appeared to really be thinking about it, and that the question wasn’t presented as somehow “offensive.” But, Jesus Christ, just have him hesitate and then say “Yeah.” How hard is that? Boom! Canon bisexual character in your main cast! Done!

Unofficial poll time: On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being “no chance in hell” and 10 being “it’ll definitely  happen,” what do you think the chances are that Stiles will ever be officially confirmed as bisexual?

Earlier this episode Stiles discovered a weird set of keys in his locker. Caitlin points out that they’re glowing, which means they have some sort of  chemical on them… which means there’s probably some connection to the chem lab. So Stiles runs off to break into the school at night (always ends well). As the party rages on Allison discovers that Isaac has a weird brand behind his ear, left by the Firefly Demon Dudes during their attack. Lydia and Ethan have them too, as does Derek, who busts in to flip the DJ table and tell the assorted high school to GTFO of his home.

(BTW, kinda weird that once Derek escaped the hunter family he never texted Scott to tell him he was back in town. Even just a “Heads up, I’m here if you need another pair of hands if shit starts going down, WHICH IT ALWAYS DOES.” would’ve been helpful. Though honestly that lack of communication is only weird for normal people who don’t exist in the Teen Wolf universe. Honestly, for all the characters love their Samsung Galaxy phones, they have an awful allergy to using them to text people relevant information.)

Now only the good guys (minus Stiles) and the Firefly Demon Dudes are left in the loft. Derek and Scott activate their WEREWOLF BRO POWER and try to fight them, but even snapping one of their necks has no effect. They brand Aiden and try to come after Scott, but dawn breaks and they waft away on a sunbeam. To recap: Scott, Stiles, Allison, and Kira are the only ones without the freaky brands.

Back in the school Stiles figures out that he was the one who left the message for Barrow to kill Kira. Whu-wha? I like where this Dark!Stiles storyline is going. (BTW, have you read the shirt meta? Read the shirt meta.) What I don’t like is seeing Chris Argent come into his apartment all bloody and collapsing unconscious to the floor. Show, do not kill one of the parents, SO HELP ME.

Miscellaneous items that need mentioning

  • The new theme song. We finally ditch the werewolf dubstep battles, and you give us a dubstep opening theme instead? DROP THE BASS, DEREK.
  • Chris has one of the Freaky Demon Dudes’ masks. Kira has some smashing Marvel leggings.
  • Said Firefly Demon Dudes can steal Lydia’s scream.
  • Kira saw Scott wolf out during the battle at Derek’s loft. Though technically Scott didn’t fully wolf out, and we saw Scott turning his head away from her at one point, presumably to try and hide his red eyes and excessive facial hair. But she’s going to figure it out, right? Tell me she’s going to figure it out. This is Ms. “I HEARD YOU TALKING REALLY LOUDLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL,” after all.
  • If you ever feel bad about not being able to tell the twins apart, A) Don’t, the twins suck, and B) neither can Danny, and he dated one of them.

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