The time has come, my fandom friends,
To talk of many things:
Of Phantoms–and Clones–and Sith Revenge–
Of Anakin and Padme’s small fling–
And why midichlorians are dumb–
And Watto’s tiny wings.
“But wait a bit,” one YouTuber cried,
“Before you watch these films;
For I’ve created these ‘cheese-free edits,’
Just take a look, they’re brill.”
“Of course,” said we.
“Thank you for saving us from that swill.”
“No more midichlorians,” JeremyMWest-Esquire said,
“Is chiefly what we need:
Alien Neimoidian voices begone
Would be very good indeed–
Now if you’re ready, fandom dear,
It’s time for you to see.”
“But what of Clones!” the fandom cried,
Turning a little green.
“After such clever edits, that would be
A dismal thing to see.”
“Not to worry,” this YouTuber said.
“Would you happen to trust me?
“It is so kind of you to trust!
And you are have definitely said it!”
The fandom said nothing but
“Cut us another edit.”
JeremyMWest just smiled and said,
“Now, now, cut me some credit.”
“It seems a shame,” the YouTuber said,
“To watch Anakin’s whiny ways,
After we’ve watched all films so far,
Surely no one cares what he has to say!”
The fandom there said nothing but
“Be rid of it, we pray!”
“I weep for Sith,” the YouTuber said,
“It really does chunks blow.”
With a smirk and much mirth they edited out
Vader’s Frankenstein “Noooooo!”
And let’s settle this now: Anakin kills Padme,
None of this corny “will to live” woe.
“O prequels,” said the YouTuber,
“You’ve had a notorious run!
Shall we be watching you again?”
But answer came there none–
And this was scarcely odd, because
The edits were all done.
TL;DR: Star Wars fan JeremyMWest-Esquire created an “anti-cheese’ edit of each of the prequel films, taking out some of the most notoriously bad bits in the hopes of making them better. Or, at the very least, they were hoping to make them suck less. Each film, posted below, has its own list of changes.
Most notable are the omission of midichlorians (yes), the removal of the thinly-veiled racist Neimoidian voices (yess), Anakin’s whiny cryfest after slaughtering the Tusken Raiders (yesss), Vader’s really dumb “Noooo!” (yessss), and Padme dying of “heartbreak” (yesssss).
If you’re planning on watching all the prequels before the premiere of The Force Awakens this week, give these edits a try. The “machete order” still works with them! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go freak out about the fact that I just said a Star Wars movie is premiering this week.
(via Polygon, with apologies to Lewis Carroll)
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