Pop Culture’s 10 Greatest Talking Animals

Lions! Tigers! Bears! If only they talked! Just imagine how many prehistoric tragedies could have been avoided if humanity’s greatest threats announced their presence with a catchphrase or a well-timed joke. While our ancestors certainly would have benefited more from sabertooths with something to say, modern hominids like you and me can still enjoy the wonders of talking animals from the comfort of our own homes. And no, I don’t mean by adopting a particularly chatty parrot, I mean animals with true intelligence, smart enough to spit out one-liners and wisdom in equal measure. Wish-cracking sidekicks, mysterious tricksters, and best friends forever, these are pop culture’s 10 greatest talking animals.

Donkey

While Mushu from Mulan is a close second, Donkey from Shrek remains Eddie Murphy’s greatest talking animal role to date. Most talking animals come in one of three flavors: the comic relief, the lifelong companion, or (bafflingly) the romantic hero. Donkey is all three! Whether it be babbling on about parfait or eating rotten berries, he’s got the comedy aspect covered. When it comes to best friendships, he and Shrek became inseparably bonded ever since Donkey first wandered into the ogre’s swamp, and he even helped the misanthropic monster transform into a beloved hero for the realm. As for romance, Donkey has his own with Dragon, an antagonistic firebreather turned lover. You have to have some serious rizz to — as a prey animal that dragons probably eat — charm one of these mythic lizards into marriage and children. Then again, Dragon was the one who made the first move, Donkey’s just that irresistible.

Big Bird

Sesame Street‘s Big Bird falls outside the normal talking animal paradigm. Instead of flapping around as simple comic relief, Big Bird decided to be an educator, working towards the intellectual betterment of children across the nation. The de facto mascot of the Sesame Street neighborhood, Big Bird stands out from his competitors by serving as a pillar of the local community. He’s kind, generous, and dedicated to learning, and as a 6-and-a-half-year-old himself, he leads children by setting a good example. And after building a nest at 123½ Sesame Street, Big Bird officially became a homeowner. He’s doing better than most millennials; he has to be on this list.

Jake the Dog

Dogs are man’s best friends, but Jake is a better best friend than most. While many animated (and real-life) dogs are food-obsessed freeloaders, Adventure Time‘s Jake is an active participant in both his local community and the realm at large. A dog of cosmopolitan interests, Jake enjoys playing violin, cooking up bacon pancakes, and punching evil wizards in the face — all acts that enrich his intimate relationships and contribute to the betterment of the Land of Ooo. Whether it be delving into a dangerous dungeon or shapeshifting into a brick and sitting in a wall for a while, no adventure is too great or too small for this magic dog. And speaking of magic, have you seen his shapeshifting powers? I’d like to see Scooby-Doo try to copy that.

Scooby-Doo

While Jake the Dog is one of the most useful animal companions to have along for an adventure, the canine hero of Scooby-Doo is only helpful when it comes to bettering the vibe, which he does better than most. The mascot of the Mystery Gang, Scooby-Doo is a triple-decker-sandwich devouring source of moral support to the actual mystery solvers. He’s not going to fight monsters; he’s going to run away from them, preferably through myriad doors in a long hallway over the course of a single shot. He’s not particularly brave or bright, unless it comes to fearlessly creating culinary monstrosities that only the most hardcore stoner could love. But hey, Shaggy couldn’t be happier with Scooby around. Old Man Jenkins, the guy always under the monster mask, is not a fan.

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy

Tied for a spot on this list is the greatest talking animal couple in pop culture history: Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. The romantic leads of The Muppets, Kermit and Miss Piggy have seen each other through countless adventures, whether it be on distant islands filled with treasure or through Dickensian metropolises at Christmastime. Each is an icon in their own right: Kermit with his delightful banjo tunes sung with a froggy voice, and Miss Piggy with her impeccable sense of style and fierce attitude. While they couldn’t be more opposite on paper, theirs is a love that most talking animals can only dream of having.

Bugs Bunny

The looniest of Looney Tunes, Bugs Bunny is more than just an all-time great talking animal. He’s an all-time great figure in pop culture at large. A lover of carrots, chaos, and catchphrases, Bugs Bunny is the quintessential mischief-maker of the modern era. Always ten hops ahead of his enemies, Bugs has driven hunters, gunslingers, and mobsters to madness with impeccable nonchalance. He earns bonus points for being a queer icon, frequently fooling around with gender to make fools of his adversaries. That said, he doesn’t have to wear drag disguises to throw enemies off the trail; he does it because he wants to. Nothing gives Bugs more pleasure than donning a dress and planting a big, wet kiss on a confused Elmer Fudd, making history in the process.

Goofy

Many a talking animal is a friend to someone, but only a handful are capable of handling the emotional responsibility of parenthood. Goofy is one of these chosen few, opting for more responsibility than most of his classic Disney compatriots. While Mickey is busy serving as the face of an entertainment empire and Donald busy screaming unintelligibly, Goofy spends A Goofy Movie hard at work trying to be a good father for his son, Max. And while he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, his heart is the size of the Disney World campus. Brave, kind, and self-sacrificing to a fault, Goofy is one of the greatest talking animals who might not actually even be a talking animal. He’s sort of a man-dog. A dog-man? You decide.

Winnie-the-Pooh

In a cutthroat world of runaway capitalism like our own, Winnie the Pooh‘s titular hero is something of an iconoclast. A bear so radically unproductive and useless that he’s a hero to anyone who has ever dreamed of escaping the daily grind of modern life. He doesn’t have a job, unless eating honey is a career. He doesn’t have a mortgage; he lives in a tree in the woods. You won’t catch him doomscrolling social media for productivity hacks; he’s too busy hanging out with friends and getting stuck in windows. He’s everything that a burned-out member of modern society secretly dreams of being. Who needs a 9-to-5 when you’ve got a piglet to hang out with, a rabbit to annoy, and an owl to ponder the big questions with? Now that’s life.

SpongeBob and Patrick

Another pair of two-for-one winners, the whole of SpongeBob and Patrick is greater than the sum of their nautically nonsensical parts. Two of the greatest comic heroes in pop culture history, SpongeBob SquarePants‘ undersea Abbot and Costello are both the scourge of their community and the epicenter of its joy. Whether they’re blowing bubbles, jellyfishing, camping in kelp forests, or stealing balloons on Free Balloon Day, these two bottom feeders are at the top of the game when it comes to having fun. A best friendship, the heights of which we can all aspire to reach with our pals, SpongeBob and Patrick’s bond is like a lighthouse that beckons all towards taking life a little less seriously. That said, their relationship could also be interpreted as a sign to marry your bestie and start a family, just like these two did when they found that orphaned scallop. If you do that, just make sure to support your partner with a job that actually pays (watching TV and eating ice cream in your rock house doesn’t count, Patrick).

The Cheshire Cat

The Cheshire Cat is a talking animal blueprint, dreamed up in the potentially absinthe-laced musing of author Lewis Carroll. One of the most enduring characters in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, the Cheshire Cat does what no other talking animal on this list is capable of doing: haunting your nightmares. This freaky feline didn’t get the “talking animal best friend” memo, and instead serves as an eerie guide to the adolescent Alice as she navigates a nonsense world. Despite being an archetypal trickster, the Cheshire Cat actually does a pretty decent job of helping Alice survive her time in Wonderland, certainly more helpful than a certain hookah-smoking caterpillar. And best of all, the Cheshire Cat does it with style. Sure, every talking animal on this list is an icon, but only one of them was such a cultural juggernaut that there’s a facial expression named after it. Everyone knows a creepy Cheshire Cat grin, even if no one would want to see one in person.

(featured image: Sesame Workship)

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