Our Child King Is Handsome and Wise as Proven by His New Decree! He Is Definitely Not a Petty Baby!
Hear ye! Hear ye!
Our child sovereign, our imperial baby, swaddled in the verified robes of his Twitter Blue empire has made yet another proclamation!
This time our holy, infantile ruler has declared that, as he is running a “social marketplace of ideas” and as he is a firm believer in “free speech,” (unless it is providing “assassination coordinates” like documenting the arrival and departure of his royal carriage at various locations!) he has decided that those of his faithful subjects willing to pay the new $8 tithe will henceforth be able to strike back at the mean, old, aristocracy (a ruling class once made up of celebrities, journalists, comedians, and the odd social media manager) by using their “voices” to downvote – I mean throw those crusty, “Legacy” blue bloods, and anyone else who draws their ire, into the stocks!
This is definitely a noble task our toddler tyrant has taken on and not a petty backlash to the ceaseless critiques and open mockery he has faced since ascending the throne. He is certainly not throwing temper tantrums! He is a good and calm king who only acts out of benevolence and not because he has some gassy-wassy that has upset his royal tum-tum! He has never done something hypocritical and egregious like exiling members of the press for writing factual stories about him! I mean, look he said they could come back last night, ok? And he has certainly never stormed out of court because his royal aides asked him some basic questions about his new laws! He just had a widdle poopy in his diaper and needed it changed! The King can’t spend all day with those boring old uggos and their tricksy interrogations! The King will not be questioned in such an impertinent manner by such lowly peasants!
But the King is also wise and good and wants to give all the power to the people! Which is why he is so wisely making all the decisions for them after reading the results of their polls! He is even willing to have them vote again and again and again, not because he wants a different answer, but because he is that dedicated to making sure their voice is heard!
And his new royal decree is just one more measure to spite the people that keep his site alive – I mean, continue to amplify the will of his commonwealth! And it certainly won’t have any negative consequences, except for those mean old Legacy trolls and the “bots” our great leader is so concerned with! It’s only they who will be sent down to the midden heap and not anyone else that his faithful subjects might decide to target! It certainly won’t change our kingdom into that terrifying “Reddit” our nephews and younger siblings keep venturing into!
And so, as our beautiful, handsome, royal, baby boy with a natural and full head of hair says, Voxx populi, voxx dei! Now someone come pick him up because it his time for his burpies and his afternoon nap!
(Image: Dimitrios Kambouris, Getty Images for The Met Museum / Vogue)
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