British Farmers Claim to Have Created Onions that Don’t Cause Tears or Bad Breath
That would make one weaksauce sigil.
Truly we live in tepid times: according to The Telegraph, a Mr. Alastair Findlay of the Bedfordshire Growers has created a new variety of red onion designed to eliminate onion-related sobbing, bad breath, and all ensuing social anxiety. Time to find a new patron vegetable, ninjas!
Findlay says it took him twenty years of cultivation to taste over 8,000 bulbs (400-500 each season) and perfect the Asda Sweet Red onion. Although the sulphur in a Sweet Red is less irritating than in a typical onion and therefore less likely to make chefs verklempt, the modified onion is also slightly less flavorful than your typical bad-ass bulb (The Telegraph notes that a Sweet Red makes “a suitable accompaniment to mature cheddar”). Considering recent findings in spicy food psychology, a mild, cheese-compatible onion might not be such a bad thing.
This concludes The Mary Sue’s vegetable innovations hour. In homage to the onions of yore, allow Rolf to take us out:
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