AND HERE’S JACK WITH THE WEATHER:
Thanks team! As many of you viewers are already aware, Shitstorm Kavanaugh has been raging with renewed intensity over Utah ever since the documentary Justice shined a light on the FBI’s failure to properly investigate Brett Kavanaugh’s sexual assault allegations. Considering conservatives’ recent response to Shitstorm Green (i.e. the Green M&M taking off her “sexy boots”), it’s likely that both of these shitstorms will continue to batter the country for weeks to come.
But now I’d like to warn you all about shitstorm that is potentially even deadlier: Shitstorm Roiland. This shitstorm is localized above the head of disgraced Rick and Morty voice actor Justin Roiland, whose recent domestic violence charges and nasty DMs may make Shitstorm Roiland a contender for Shitstorm of the Century. After all, if there’s one thing this reporter knows about Justin Roiland, it’s that he’s a piece of shit.
This Just In: Shitstorm Roiland Has Revved Up in Intensity Following Reports of a Squanch Games Lawsuit From 2019
According to a report from NME, Squanch Games, a game company where Roland once served as CEO, was involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit that was settled in 2019. The lawsuit was filed by former employee Sarah Doukakos, who alleged that she was harassed and ridiculed by the company’s then-technical director Jeff Dixon (a shitstorm in his own right).
According to Doukakos, Dixon forced unwanted hugs onto her and questioned her intelligence and competence in what appears to have been some sort of bizarre, desperate schoolyard flirting attempt. The suit also says that Dixon told her that her “The Future Is Female” t-shirt “made him sad,” likely because no one who’s female would ever want a future with him. Doukakos says she requested help from her managers to stop Dixon’s abuse, and even asked the current design director Erich Meyr to present her design ideas to Dixon in order for him to take take them seriously.
Doukakos says then turned to the company’s co-founder and then chief executive officer Tanya Watson for support, after which Watson said, “That’s just how this generation of guys are” and then told Doukakos to stay quiet, take notes, and smile whenever the men spoke, as if Squanch Games weren’t a gaming company but some sort of 19th century cotillion school where young girls are trained to become “suitable matches for distinguished bachelors.” Another manager, Anthony Bosco, attempted to reiterate the issue to Watson, but Doukakos’ lawsuit says Watson reportedly “sighed” in response.
After these events, Doukakos says she was put on a “performance improvement plan” that subjected her to 12-hour days during a “crunch” period for an upcoming game. Doukakos also pushed back against game content that consisted of scenes similar to rape and dialogue that denigrated women. The game in question? According to Kotaku, it’s called Trover Saves The Universe. Ironic, considering the universe sounds like it would be better off without another Squanch Games title.
In November, Doukakos was fired over “performance issues.” Doukakos claims that the quality of her work was not to blame (it probably wasn’t), but rather the decision was made in retaliation for her complaints. To make matters worse, Doukakos alleged that Watson pressured her to release all of her lawsuit claims in order to receive her severance package and her final paychecks. And this reporter is 99.99999% sure that’s illegal.
This Just In: Shitstorm Roiland Forces Justin Roiland To Resign as Squanch Games CEO
In an unsurprising turn of events, Shitstorm Roiland (a roiling cloud of horrifying and probably true accusations floating over Justin Roiland’s head) has forced Roiland to resign his position as CEO of Squanch Games. This news comes in tandem with the report that Roiland was given the boot from Rick and Morty by Adult Swim, and good riddance. It’s likely that Roiland’s voiceover performances on other series will also be redubbed, considering that Alex Hirsh and Disney decided to redub disgraced comedian Louis C.K.’s performance on Gravity Falls (a series that also features Roiland).
In a further unsurprising turn of events, Squanch Games made an attempt to launder their image by tweeting that they had cut all ties with Roiland and, according to a company spokesperson, are “committed to creating an inclusive and supportive work environment for [their] team.” And you know what? Hopefully the company culture changes. After all, Jeff Dixon left the company shortly after Doukakos departed (likely to return to living in his mom’s basement), and Tanya Watson followed suit years later (likely to start the Tanya Watson Etiquette Institute for Young Women of Noble Breeding).
What Is the Future Forecast for Shitstorm Roiland?
Well, considering that Justin Roiland has been fired from Rick and Morty, departed from Squanch Games, been thoroughly dragged on Twitter, and will likely be redubbed on past projects and scrubbed from future ones, our sensors indicate that Shitstorm Roiland will continue to remain localized over Justin Roiland’s head as he wanders jobless, friendless, and forlorn across the highways and byways of America.
While it may not be the Shitstorm of the Century, Shitstorm Roiland is certainly the Shitstorm of a Lifetime: Justin Roiland’s lifetime. It will continue to rage and fester above Roiland’s head for the rest of his days. No one will want to hire him. No one will want to date him. I doubt anyone even wants to talk to the guy. After all, shitstorms rain shit. It’s just a bizarre meteorological phenomenon that they do. And nobody likes getting covered in shit, do they?
It’s likely people will avoid Roiland altogether. Grizzled old Kansas farmers will stand on their porches in the predawn hours, smell the air, and whisper, “There’s a shitstorm coming,” and sure enough, Justin Roiland will appear in the distance, trundling down some old country road on his lifelong walk to nowhere in particular.
(featured image: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
