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I Wish I Could Travel Back in Time to Before I Knew What Harvey Weinstein’s Junk Looked Like

Fire up the Delorean, we're GTFO of this timeline.

Harvey Weinstein arrives at New York City criminal court, hunched over a walker.

What would you do if time travel was real? Where would you go? What wrongs would you right? It’s a fun concept to think about, and a solid conversation starter to use at your next dinner party. There are the obvious answers, of course. Many would want to travel back to see live dinosaurs, while others would want to head to Jerusalem and chill with Jesus Christ. Killing Hitler is a popular choice as well, and since 2016 there are certainly plenty of folks who would like to undo Donald Trump’s presidential win.

Not me. I would like to hop into a time machine and take myself back to 45 minutes ago when I had no idea what Harvey Weinstein’s genitals look like. I suppose this merits some context. The trial against Weinstein for rape and sexual assault is currently underway in New York City, with several women testifying on the stand that they were assaulted by the former Miramax chief, including former Project Runway producer Miriam “Mimi” Haleyi, actress Annabella Sciorra, and former actress Jessica Mann.

Mann made some statements regarding the unusual nature of Weinstein’s genitals, which were corroborated by photos taken by the District Attorney’s Office. I won’t include the description of Weinstein’s junk because, well, I don’t want to (you can click through the link below to see for yourself). Several photos were then shown to the jury, and appeared in courtroom sketches, but were not released to the public.

Prosecutor Joan Illuzzi said “It is not the practice of the District Attorney’s Office to ever … humiliate [a] defendant … There were 72 photographs taken, and we’re going to be asking for the admission of seven of them.” She followed up by saying, “We believe the photographs … we do think they’re very, very important for the jury to see.”

The sensitive nature of the photos mean that they will not be entered into the public record. According to reports, “One male juror’s eyes widened, lifting his eyebrows slightly. Two women appeared to wince.”

Is this relevant to multiple charges leveled at Weinstein? Yes. Is it wrong to shame Harvey Weinstein over his body and its alleged malformations? Probably. Do I wish I could return to the days when I was a carefree, sweet summer child who knew none of this? Oh God yes.

If you need me, I’ll be investigating wormholes, searching for super-powered crystals, and opening inter-dimensional gateways in an attempt to undo this knowledge. I’ll be making an appointment at Lacuna, Inc. and tracking down a neuralizer from the Men in Black. Maybe I’ll just hit myself in the face with a brick after taking a handful of Forget-Me-Nows.

If I die, please remember me as someone who didn’t want to know any of this. I just want to go back.

(via Vulture)

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently lives in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband and two poorly behaved rescue dogs. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.