101 Things We Wish Apple Gave Us Instead of That U2 Album and How to Get Rid of It

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Who knew Apple would be the ones to really damage their “virus-free” claims? Somehow, through some tech sorcery called “the cloud” and “business deals involving lots of money,” an unwanted U2 album has worked its way onto your phone! Malware! Don’t worry, there’s a way to get rid of it, and we have some suggestions for what Apple could give us instead.

If you want to stop the songs from coming up in shuffle, the removal process is fairly easy. Just head to the iTunes store in the iTunes app on your computer and click on “Purchased” under “Quick Links” on the right hand side. Then, put your mouse over the album in your list of purchases, click on the little X in the corner, and click “hide” when the dialog box pops up. U2 will never interrupt your show tunes or 80s power ballads again.

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 3.39.14 PM

Don’t fret. If you suddenly lose all taste in music, you can still get it back through your account page.

Billboard says the free album has only been downloaded by .04% (200,000) of Apple’s 500,000,000 iTunes subscribers who now see it in their libraries. We’re in agreement with the other 99.96%, so here are our 100% serious suggestions for 101 things we’d rather get from Apple:

      1. Chlamydia
      2. Vertigo—but like actual vertigo, though
      3. A gritty reboot of Care Bears
      4. A hook for a hand
      5. One of those creepy crawling robots
      6. Money for a different album
      7. A porcupine sofa
      8. An angry Wookiee
      9. A cookie that you think is going to have chocolate chips in it but then you bite into it and it’s raisins
      10. A fourth Hobbit film
      11. Used chewing gum
      12. An entire album of bad radio ads
      13. A horny dog
      14. A case of Budweiser Lime-a-Rita
      15. An actual iPhone virus
      16. Cliff house
      17. The scarf that guy was wearing during the Apple presentation
      18. A regular, non-smart watch
      19. An Apple Watch, and that’s saying a lot
      20. A swift kick in the metaphorical nuts
      21. A crushing sense of ennui and existential despair
      22. A full-face tattoo of the Ninja Turtles, hulked-up redesign version
      23. The complete works of Rick Astley
      24. Moldy cheese
      25. A pet rock
      26. A box full of snakes
      27. A bad apple
      28. The Tohou song “Bad Apple!!” played on a loop
      29. A goth cheeseburger
      30. An RC Cola enema
      31. The 15 minutes of our lives back from the U2 announcement
      32. A truck full of bees. Beads?
      33. A chestburster
      34. All of the numbers between 4 and 14, in Spanish
      35. Whatever this is
      36. The Amazing Spider-Man 3
      37. U2’s Zooropa album
      38. A wedgie?
      39. The Edge’s beanie
      40. A Garfield “I Hate Mondays” mug
      41. An iPod that only plays “Elevation” on repeat
      42. A prop from Batman & Robin
      43. A dust bunny
      44. Those guys from Improv Everywhere who pretended to be U2 on a roof one time
      45. UB40, because they have 38 more Us and also a B
      46. Underwear made of wasps
      47. A partridge in a pear tree
      48. A spot in Hannibal Lecter’s rolodex
      50. 100 spider-sized horses
      51. 1 horse-sized spider
      52. 100 horse-sized spiders
      53. A Weasley sweater
      54. A Cosby sweater
      55. Questionable erotic fanfiction
      56. A sign that we matter in the context of the Universe
      57. A message from beyond the grave
      58. A tamagotchi
      59. The Phone Ranger
      60. A Motorola RAZR
      61. An anesthetic-free root canal
      62. A curse of explosive flatulence
      63. Missingno
      64. A vomit-flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean
      65. Parents (Bruce Wayne wrote that one)
      66. The hero we deserve
      67. The means to fight injustice
      68. Yoga lessons from Milo Manara
      69. Ethics lessons from a #GamerGate-r
      70. Another Kardashian
      71. Zombie apocalypse
      72. Asteroid apocalypse
      73. The rapture
      74. Rain on our wedding day
      75. A free ride, when we’ve already paid
      76. Pumpkin spice condoms
      77. Nothing at all
      78. India
      79. Terror
      80. Disillusionment
      81. Frailty
      82. Consequence
      83. Silence
      84. A Zune
      85. Bed bugs
      86. A screaming goat in an enclosed room
      87. A Michael Bay directed Gilmore Girls movie
      88. A Tribble
      89. A Nazgûl
      90. A Gollum
      91. A Golem
      92. Potatoes for the golem to throw at the gollum
      93. A ride on Disney World’s Tea Cups on a full stomach
      94. An MP3 of Peter Dinklage’s worst voice acting in Destiny
      95. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Blu-Ray
      96. A spec script for a Wonder Woman movie, as written by Steven Moffat
      97. A bezoar
      98. Windows 8 for iPhone
      99. A Charley Horse
      100. Dysentery
      101. One more thing

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Image of Dan Van Winkle
Dan Van Winkle
Dan Van Winkle (he) is an editor and manager who has been working in digital media since 2013, first at now-defunct Geekosystem (RIP), and then at The Mary Sue starting in 2014, specializing in gaming, science, and technology. Outside of his professional experience, he has been active in video game modding and development as a hobby for many years. He lives in North Carolina with Lisa Brown (his wife) and Liz Lemon (their dog), both of whom are the best, and you will regret challenging him at Smash Bros.