Who knew Apple would be the ones to really damage their “virus-free” claims? Somehow, through some tech sorcery called “the cloud” and “business deals involving lots of money,” an unwanted U2 album has worked its way onto your phone! Malware! Don’t worry, there’s a way to get rid of it, and we have some suggestions for what Apple could give us instead.
If you want to stop the songs from coming up in shuffle, the removal process is fairly easy. Just head to the iTunes store in the iTunes app on your computer and click on “Purchased” under “Quick Links” on the right hand side. Then, put your mouse over the album in your list of purchases, click on the little X in the corner, and click “hide” when the dialog box pops up. U2 will never interrupt your show tunes or 80s power ballads again.
![Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 3.39.14 PM](https://www.themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Screen-Shot-2014-09-11-at-3.39.14-PM1.jpg?resize=324%2C238)
Don’t fret. If you suddenly lose all taste in music, you can still get it back through your account page.
Billboard says the free album has only been downloaded by .04% (200,000) of Apple’s 500,000,000 iTunes subscribers who now see it in their libraries. We’re in agreement with the other 99.96%, so here are our 100% serious suggestions for 101 things we’d rather get from Apple:
- Chlamydia
- Vertigo—but like actual vertigo, though
- A gritty reboot of Care Bears
- A hook for a hand
- One of those creepy crawling robots
- Money for a different album
- A porcupine sofa
- An angry Wookiee
- A cookie that you think is going to have chocolate chips in it but then you bite into it and it’s raisins
- A fourth Hobbit film
- Used chewing gum
- An entire album of bad radio ads
- A horny dog
- A case of Budweiser Lime-a-Rita
- An actual iPhone virus
- Cliff house
- The scarf that guy was wearing during the Apple presentation
- A regular, non-smart watch
- An Apple Watch, and that’s saying a lot
- A swift kick in the metaphorical nuts
- A crushing sense of ennui and existential despair
- A full-face tattoo of the Ninja Turtles, hulked-up redesign version
- The complete works of Rick Astley
- Moldy cheese
- A pet rock
- A box full of snakes
- A bad apple
- The Tohou song “Bad Apple!!” played on a loop
- A goth cheeseburger
- An RC Cola enema
- The 15 minutes of our lives back from the U2 announcement
- A truck full of bees. Beads?
- A chestburster
- All of the numbers between 4 and 14, in Spanish
- Whatever this is
- The Amazing Spider-Man 3
- U2’s Zooropa album
- A wedgie?
- The Edge’s beanie
- A Garfield “I Hate Mondays” mug
- An iPod that only plays “Elevation” on repeat
- A prop from Batman & Robin
- A dust bunny
- Those guys from Improv Everywhere who pretended to be U2 on a roof one time
- UB40, because they have 38 more Us and also a B
- Underwear made of wasps
- A partridge in a pear tree
- A spot in Hannibal Lecter’s rolodex
- SOCKS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
- 100 spider-sized horses
- 1 horse-sized spider
- 100 horse-sized spiders
- A Weasley sweater
- A Cosby sweater
- Questionable erotic fanfiction
- A sign that we matter in the context of the Universe
- A message from beyond the grave
- A tamagotchi
- The Phone Ranger
- A Motorola RAZR
- An anesthetic-free root canal
- A curse of explosive flatulence
- Missingno
- A vomit-flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean
- Parents (Bruce Wayne wrote that one)
- The hero we deserve
- The means to fight injustice
- Yoga lessons from Milo Manara
- Ethics lessons from a #GamerGate-r
- Another Kardashian
- Zombie apocalypse
- Asteroid apocalypse
- The rapture
- Rain on our wedding day
- A free ride, when we’ve already paid
- Pumpkin spice condoms
- Nothing at all
- India
- Terror
- Disillusionment
- Frailty
- Consequence
- Silence
- A Zune
- Bed bugs
- A screaming goat in an enclosed room
- A Michael Bay directed Gilmore Girls movie
- A Tribble
- A Nazgûl
- A Gollum
- A Golem
- Potatoes for the golem to throw at the gollum
- A ride on Disney World’s Tea Cups on a full stomach
- An MP3 of Peter Dinklage’s worst voice acting in Destiny
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Blu-Ray
- A spec script for a Wonder Woman movie, as written by Steven Moffat
- A bezoar
- Windows 8 for iPhone
- A Charley Horse
- Dysentery
- One more thing
Are you following The Mary Sue on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, & Google +?
Published: Sep 11, 2014 05:15 pm