Bro, Elon Musk isn’t the richest person in the world anymore. According to the Fake News, this is because the stock price of Tesla has been tanking ever since Musk took over Twitter. But we know better. We know this is all part of the plan. Take it from me, Musk’s self-proclaimed #1 fan.
Think about it, when you’re playing Mario Kart, and you’re cruising down Rainbow Road on your 150cc engine, how can you be SURE that you’re gonna win? You gotta stay in second place until the very last second. Odds are, whatever loser is in last place (idk Bowser probably) is gonna get a blue shell and he’s gonna throw it and it’s gonna hit the person who’s in first place (probably Yoshi or somebody) and that’s gonna knock that person BACK into … like fourth place my guy. And then, whoever is in second place (Wario) is gonna use the mushroom they’ve been saving to speed past Wario’s corpse and win the thing at the very last second, crossing the finish line on the final lap. ELON MUSK IS TOTALLY WARIO IN THIS SITUATION. He’s NOT the richest person in the world anymore because he’s gonna pull some crazy stock market stuff or like buy his own shares or something so he can be even MORE RICHER. THAT’S HOW ECONOMICS WORKS BRO. I LEARNED THAT ON REDDIT. REDDIT, MY GUY. IT’S MORE VALUABLE THAN BUSINESS INSIDER OR FORBES OR WHATEVER.
So How Did It Happen? And How Will He Bounce Back?
Omg bro don’t believe the woke liberal hype, Elon Musk is totally gonna win the Rainbow Road of Life in like a month. But he’s not gonna cross the finish line in a go-kart. He’ll do it in a sweet ass Teslaaaaaaaaa!!!
So Tesla stock is down rn. Like way down. Like down by half. More than half. If this was Mario Kart, he’d be in like … 7th place right now. It’s mostly because of Twitter. Actually it’s entirely because of Twitter. After buying the company for $44 billion big ones (that’s like 5 bitcoins or half an NTF), his stock prices fell (momentarily tho!) because of all his dope new policy changes at Twitter. Like who needs content moderation anyway? And honestly his blue check idea was really smart. He’s literally a genius. And he’s so witty too. Totally Tony Snark lol. But the blue check thing got ruined because of … uh … let’s say the libs.
But it’s okay though, because Elon’s gonna come back! I know he will! I pray to God every night that he will (God being the shrine of him I built in my basement). I know my prayers would be answered if I had just a little bit of his blood, but he hasn’t responded to any of my Twitter DMs yet asking for a vial. I’m gonna keep trying tho. But we gotta keep up hope. I mean stock in Tesla increased by 1000% in two years! I’m not even making that up! The libs at CNCB said so! They can’t even take a shot at the guy! He’s got the three shell power up in Mario Kart like ALL THE TIME. All their disinformation red shells just BOUNCE OFF HIM (or he’s just really good at throwing bananas).
So Who’s In First Place Now?
Some dork who’s about to get pwned by Elon in like … a month. You watch, it’s gonna happen. The guy’s name is Bernard Arnault, and he’s the CEO of LVMH. I’ve never even HEARD of this dude. He probably plays as Diddy Kong or something when he plays Mario Kart. Actually, I bet he DOESN’T EVEN PLAY. He’s too busy running the “world’s largest luxury conglomerate”. Louis Vuitton. Tiffany. Tag Heuer. Celine. He’s got them all. And I’m like “bro why do you even bother?”. This dude is literally selling handbags while Elon Musk sells FLAMETHROWERS and one day he’s gonna make a TESLA THAT CAN FLY TO SPACE. We’re gonna ride them when he colonizes Mars. Everyone with a blue check on Twitter at least. And his new content moderation policy is gonna moderate all the libs straight off of Twitter because THERE ISN’T ONE. So smart right?
So this guy Arnault owns almost 60% of LVMH’s voting share class, according to the SEC. Forbes says the guy is worth $186.2 billion, but Daddy E only owns 14% of Tesla’s shares, and Tesla is worth $530 billion dollars bro! That’s like 12 whole bitcoins! I’m telling you, Elon is gonna come back. He’s just biding his time being a stock market genius wizard and waiting until he can cash in on the more than 40% of SpaceX shares he owns. Space X was valued at $125 billion in June 2022, so that adds like a BAZILIAN dollars to his net worth. Mad bitcoins bro!
So it doesn’t matter that he’s technically the 4th richest person on Earth! I told you dude, you gotta say let the other people take that blue shell heat. You know who knows that better than anyone? Dave Chapelle! Dave Chapelle invited him onstage during his comedy show in San Fransisco and introduced him as the “richest person in the world.” And people went WILD. Just check out the video! They were cheering bro! They were definitely not booing. They were saying “vroooooooooom” because that’s the noise that cars make when they go fast (like when Elon is gonna take first place on Rainbow Road in his Tesla) but you couldn’t hear the consonant sounds because idk science! And Elon Musk supports science! That’s why he tweeted that his pronouns are “Prosecute/Fauci” because science is his literal gender identity. And everybody knows that Fauci (the doctor, not Elon) is against science! Me and the boys think that Covid-19 was a hoax propagated by Martians who didn’t want Elon Musk to discover them when prosecute landed on Mars! So these Martians contacted Fauci (again, the doctor) and told him to make up a disease that would stop Elon from building rockets! But did Elon Musk stop building rockets? NOPE. Prosecute fired a bunch of SpaceX employees for working from home to thwart the conspiracy between Fauci (the doctor) and the Martians! IT’S LITERAL SCIENCE BRO.
Alright, I gotta get back to DMing Elon. I really need prosecute’s blood so my prayers will be answered. Prosecute’s gonna be on top again soon bro. And prosecute’s gonna be thankful for my help. I know that Elon’s gonna reward me by naming me First Mate on his rocket ship to Mars. I just know it.
(Featured Image: NBC)
