Listen guys. I know we are all probably getting tired of hearing Elon Musk’s name and seeing his tweets and wondering whether or not Twitter will still be there in the next hour, but I have stumbled upon possibly the greatest conspiracy of our time. Watergate pales in comparison. QAnon can (as always) gtfo. We are talking about something real. Something important. What I am about to reveal to you goes deeper than anything Trump could cook up on Parler.
We all think that Elon Musk is a billionaire business tycoon in charge of Tesla, SpaceX, and the currently imploding Twitter. We all think that Succession is a thinly veiled satire of Rupert Murdoch’s family and business empire. But what if Elon Musk and Kendall Roy… are actually the same person.
HEAR ME OUT.
Born into Extreme Wealth and Privilege
Kendall Roy’s father Logan has been the majority owner and CEO of Waystar Royco, an American conglomerate worth billions of dollars, for the past forty or so years. As a result, Kendall and his siblings were born into a world of extreme wealth and privilege. Elon Musk’s father owned and operated a lucrative emerald mine in Apartheid South Africa and was also born into a world of extreme wealth and privilege. Check!
Dad is not American
Logan Roy is originally from Scotland. Errol Musk is from South Africa. Check!
Desperately trying to be cool but are actually huge goobers
Both Kendall Roy and Elon Musk have a deep investment in being seen as cool by their friends, family, and the world at large. Kendall hires the hippest PR team so that he can have a “fire” Twitter. Elon literally bought Twitter. Unfortunately for both, they are not “posters” they are instead, reply guys. They care too much. Their jokes aren’t funny. They are sensitive babies. Need evidence? Just look at the infamous Kendall Roy rap (“L to the O – G”) or anything Elon has ever tweeted.
Constantly embarrassing themselves
See the above sentences about Kendall rapping and Elon tweeting. If you sow goobers you will reap shame!
Surrounded by Sycophants
Of course, this keeps happening because both Kendall and Elon have the wealth to surround themselves at all times with a gaggle of yes-men. Kendall (when apart from his family) pays a team to hype up all of his ludicrous ideas, just look at his insufferable birthday party. Elon fired a lot of Twitter employees and replaced a lot of the top positions with his cronies. And the results have been disastrous.
They both have a lot of hair, except for when they don’t
Both have had, at times, very full heads of hair! Except that Elon Musk famously had a hair transplant (or a solid toupee) so his is not natural. Without them, he would be quite bald. But don’t fret! At the end of last season, when Kendall was bottoming out, he shaved his head in a moment of bleak despair, and so he is a baldy now as well!
Bad at Business
Ultimately though, both of them have absolutely terrible business instincts. Both care too much about what is flashy and new and little about actually running a company. It’s why Logan refuses to hand the reigns over Kendall (well, one of them) and why Musk’s Teslas keep exploding and the Twitter Blue fiasco is currently costing some corporations billions of dollars in lost revenue.
(Images: HBO/BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images)
