Love a Man on Twitter Telling Women What They Need to Be to Find a Man! | The Mary Sue
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Love a Man on Twitter Telling Women What They Need to Be to Find a Man!

How do you tell a man who stares at the sun to shut up?

snl really amy poehler

There is a ‘trainer/writer/speaker’ on Twitter named Alexander J.A Cortes who continues to give unsolicited advice, much of it aimed at women and how they can achieve maximum desirability (for Cotes and his ilk).

I tried so hard to ignore this guy, I rolled my eyes and thought I could go on my merry way, but the hits from Cortes just kept on coming. So here we are: I’m going to make my own lists in response to the absurdity of what he believes women should be because—of what? His requirements are truly baffling. Is he looking for a unicorn?

Cortes’ tweets shouldn’t surprise me; his entire timeline is about “Make America Great Again” and he posts pictures where he’s looking directly into the sun and says he’s providing fodder for the women who want to “hate fuck” him. The kind of guy you want to take home to your parents, amiright? Still, I found myself wanting nothing more than to set each and every one of his preposterous “ideas” on fire. Please enjoy some light-hearted roasting of these terrible concepts on this fine Friday.

i hate this man

My own personal list? It’s simple.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-Be comfortable in whatever skin you’re given, even if you have to shed it like a snake
-Be able to make Ramen noodles. That’s all you need.
-Have hair, have no hair, make your hair look like cinnamon rolls. You do you.
-Wear the blood of your enemies on your face
-Be a cat
-Be Grace Hanson. Sorry, we all have to be Jane Fonda now.
-Does this just mean rub your hands on your body a lot? I imagine it comes down to having oils.
-Shave using a sharpened rock
-Be fashion forward, time to create your own look! I’m bringing back the acid wash.
-Wear pink, purple, orange, yellow, black, blue, white, green, blood orange, who cares, wear the rainbow.
-Love men, women, animals, children, the earth, stop global warming because climate change is real.
-Listen to your heart when it’s calling to you.

Top 10 Redflags in Women

-Doesn’t like chocolate. Who doesn’t like chocolate? Even if you’re allergic, you probably still crave it.
-Is Proud of being a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner or a saint.
-Overly fashionable, too many fashion scarves
-Bad relationship w/ father if it is a reverse Oedipus situation
-Can cook meth. No one needs that energy in their life, Walter White.
-Isn’t nurturing a small bird back to health. Big red flag there.
-Materialistic about bird boxes. Where are you going to keep all those?
-Doesn’t care about Pretty Woman. A classic!
-Not a feminist
-No feline friends, unless allergic then that’s okay
-Doesn’t like Jacob Tremblay. RED FLAG.

Danai Gurira Rule of Life:

If you are a woman who is independent, has played badass ladies who do not need men in their lives but enjoy their company, you should be cast in everything forever always.

If you’re not that,

It is okay we all have our good parts.

-Different rules for different players.

Please, do not be this guy. Don’t make lists that are terribly sexist, rude, beyond outdated, and horrid. This guy isn’t interested in real women in any way, shape, or form—he wants a blow-up talking doll (who talks softly and only when spoken to). Be better.

(image: NBC/Screengrab)

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Resident Spider-Man expert, official Leslie Knope, actually Yelena Belova. Wanda Maximoff has never done anything wrong in her life. New York writer with a passion for all things nerdy. Yes, she has a Pedro Pascal podcast.