Breaking: Everyone Is Reveling Over the Conviction of “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli
Should we change it to "felon bro" or ... ?
This is the note we needed to go out on this Friday, after an absolutely bonkers week of news in a world where it seems that everything that could go wrong has: “pharma bro” Martin Shkreli has been convicted for deceiving hedge fund investors.
Why is everyone so happy about this, outside of our collective loathing of shady people in the financial industry? Well, public dislike of Shkreli spread rapidly among people who possess souls after he bought the rights to an AIDS drug and jacked up the price to ridiculous levels. As a result of the media shitstorm surrounding that decision, we found out that Shkreli was actually a cartoonishly accurate version of the exact kind of person you’d expect to do something like that, as he unapologetically defended his pursuit of profits and became a symbol of exactly what’s wrong with profiting off of the sick.
Shkreli embraced his role as a villain, continuing on to do things like buying the only copy of a Wu-Tang LP with his immense riches while being one of the last people on Earth who deserves to own such a thing. He then leaked the album in exchange for Donald Trump’s election victory, and went on to harass Teen Vogue writer/everyone’s hero Lauren Duca to such a degree that he was banned from Twitter. He later followed up with this, which only makes his conviction so much sweeter and more hilarious:
Here’s my statement on Martin Shkreli: I would (still) rather eat my own organs. So much as touch me, and I’ll gladly chop off one of yours. pic.twitter.com/4jHNWGWanQ
— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) July 28, 2017
He also goes out of his way to be a smug picture of someone who’s sure their money puts them above everyone else:
— Nicole Hong (@nicole_hong) August 4, 2017
And so, there was much revelry to be had, all of which he only brought on himself.
Sure, they had search high and low to find a jury who don’t hate Martin Shkreli. The sketch artist? Not held to the same standards pic.twitter.com/C94Q7MWtvX
— James Harvey (@jamesharveytm) August 4, 2017
tfw you read “(Martin Shkreli) faces years in prison when he is sentenced” pic.twitter.com/GNblJmX4tU
— Scott Wampler™ (@ScottWamplerBMD) August 4, 2017
Could just hear people shouting with joy. Guess we’re all seeing the news at the same time. https://t.co/DvWKTGxKjH
— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) August 4, 2017
Uncomfortable news about Dril being Martin Shkreli pic.twitter.com/O6Ili1lNXO
— Kirk Codeine (@MyDickerson) August 4, 2017
Shkreli was found guilty of two counts of securities fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit securities fraud, but innocent on five similar counts. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait to hear about his sentence, but hey, I don’t want to eat my whole cake at once. Let’s take some time—savor it. In the meantime, let’s just hope this is an unusual bright spot on 2017 and not the setup for this prediction to come true:
In 5 years Martin Shkreli will be the star of The Apprentice reboot. In 10 years, he will be president.
— Sean Russell (@BestSeanR) August 4, 2017
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