As a Floridian, I can attest to the fact that Florida is a place full of wacky people. However, the real reason behind the absurd amount of “Florida Man” headlines is something called the Sunshine Law. The law makes many records public, and this includes mugshots, criminal information, and arrest records. Thanks to these being readily available, many journalists can get their hands on some silly, absurd scoops—hence the many, many stories of Florida Man’s antics.
Here are 17 of the wildest, funniest, and best Florida Man headlines of all time.
17. “Florida Man threw live gator in Wendy’s drive-thru window”
This classic gem from February 2016 is all about a man who, while on a morning drive, simply picked up a juvenile alligator, drove to Wendy’s, and proceeded to chuck it through the drive-thru window. According to his court case, the man professed that he’d done it “simply because,” so his sentence was not very long. His mother even told the news that it was just a “stupid prank.” If anything, the most impressive part of all this was even having the courage to pick up a random alligator and hold it in a car. -NS
16. “Florida cop claims Burger King put dirt on his food”
Even cops aren’t immune from the Florida shenanigans. In 2018, a police officer complained that Burger King employees had put a “gritty” substance on his burger, but as serious investigations took place, it was revealed to just be seasoning. Though the cop seemed pretty insistent on what he believed the substance was, everyone can agree that gritty stuff in food isn’t exactly the tastiest. -NS
15. “Inmate insists syringes pulled from rectum aren’t his”
In one of the more bizarre Florida tales, even though the headline doesn’t actually say “Florida Man,” an inmate had 3 syringes pulled from his rectum. He insisted they were not his after repeated questioning. The inmate was just entering prison following an arrest for marijuana possession when the syringes were removed during a body screening. Though he remained adamant that the needles were not his, he was slapped with additional charges for trying to bring them into the prison. -NS
14. “Drunken Florida man on Segway charged with DUI”
(NBC)
Driving under the influence (DUI) is a very common criminal charge, and many stories exist about people being arrested for it. But you’ve probably never heard of someone getting arrested for DUI while on a Segway. In this hilarious case, a Florida man was arrested for DUI while riding the two-wheeled scooter right in front of a police station after drinking two bottles of wine.-NS
13. “Florida man tries to evade arrest by cartwheeling away from cops”
Gymnastics probably isn’t the first thing you’d think someone would use to escape being grabbed, but it most certainly was for this person. Outside an Orlando shop, a nimble Florida man escaped being apprehended by the cops by … cartwheeling. After the man was chased down and eventually captured, he received a charge for battery of an officer. That certainly wouldn’t put a spring in anyone’s step. -NS
12. “Florida Man calls 911, says he needs a ride to Hooters”
If you need to get somewhere, you usually call an Uber or Lyft, right? Well, apparently there’s a “better” option. To score a ride to Hooters, this Florida man’s brilliant idea was to call 911 to request a ride to the restaurant to help his ill grandmother. When she turned out to be fine, he was arrested on charges of misusing 911. It’s unclear whether he was under the influence of alcohol or not, but regardless, it seems that some people still don’t know how to use 911 after all this time. -NS
11. “Florida couple ‘trapped’ in unlocked closet for two days”
Panic can easily obscure common sense. In this example, two Floridians were seemingly “trapped” in a janitor’s closet for two days—but walked right out after they finally figured out that the door was unlocked. The closet was located at Daytona State University, meaning they probably weren’t studying up on their classes. The two were hiding from the police, and were in lots of pain while hiding—thankfully, they were only charged with trespassing. -NS
10. “Florida man posing as an officer pulls over an off-duty sheriff’s deputy”
(NBC)
Police impersonators are quite common across the U.S., but in this case, one managed to back himself into a corner. A Florida man arrested with impersonating an officer had been driving around and saw a speeding car, trying to pull it over—but when he finally did, it turned out to be an actual police car, promptly leading to his arrest. -NS
9. “Florida man attempting to time travel crashes into strip mall”
Ever wish you could time travel like they do in Back to the Future? Well, you probably won’t want to try it after this. A Florida man was arrested after driving his car into a mall in an attempt to “time travel” in the way that it’s done in the movie: driving 88 miles per hour in a car. Obviously, his plan failed—and time travel still isn’t exactly possible, even at 88 miles per hour. -NS
8. “Walmart Evacuated After Florida Man Found Crawling Through Ceiling”
A Pasco County Walmart was evacuated after Florida Man was found crawling about in the ceiling. They don’t know what his motives were, what exactly he was doing up there, or even how he got into the chain store’s crawl space to begin with. I’m not sure there’s a more perfect Florida man specimen out there than this. It reads like madlibs. Walmart is involved. Absolutely none of the questions raised by the title are answered. A+ Loki-ing (yes Marvel confirmed all Florida Man stories are actually act of Loki now, I don’t make the rules). -SB
7. “Puppy shoots Florida man, deputies say”
This Florida man headline reads like the product of monkeys playing with typewriters and raises some pretty serious questions; namely, how does a dog use a gun? Apparently some complete asshole had a litter of puppies and, claiming he couldn’t find anyone to take them off his hands, decided to shoot them instead of, you know, taking them to a shelter. However, he was also practicing such lax gun safety while committing puppy murder that one of the little guys managed to put his paw on the trigger and shoot the Florida Asshole in the wrist instead. -SB
6. “Florida Man Stops Paying for Rental Car, Uses It To Give Uber Rides”
You do have to admire the entrepreneurial spirit on this one. The Florida Man in question had leased a rental car but one day decided to just … stop paying for it, and keep on using it as an Uber driver to make himself a little bit of cash, as well. Now, you might be wondering how he managed to do this, as most rental cars come with a little device that can be activated remotely to keep a stolen car from being turned on. Well, turns out he just didn’t turn the car off, keeping it running the entire three-week duration. That may explain why he needed to work as an Uber driver, just to try to make some of the gas money back. -SB
5. “Florida Man Steals Excavator, Goes for Joyride, Crashes into Walmart”
If we’re being honest, I think most people have wanted to steal a piece of construction equipment and go for a joyride at some point in their lives, but Florida Man? Florida Man makes his dreams happen. This machete-wielding specimen hot-wired a $350,000 excavator and took off in it, knocking over a bunch of light poles before finally crashing into the Walmart’s loading dock. Fortunately, no one was hurt. -SB
4. “Florida man arrested for trying to get alligator drunk”
Another absolutely perfect Florida Man headline, this incident actually involves two Florida Men and one Florida Woman as well as a (Florida) ‘gator. One Florida Man caught himself an alligator out in the wild – with his bare hands mind – and decided to bring it home with him where another Florida Man decided to feed it beer and a Florida Woman watched. Florida ‘gator bit his human bartender but said Florida Man, who maintains that while he had had a few beers that day he was in fact sober while he did this, didn’t seem to mind too much about it. Both Florida Men faced charges but it seems watching a man get a gator drunk, and witnessing a kidnapped gator hanging out with his captor, are not in fact crimes themselves so Florida Woman is fine. -SB
3. “Florida Man In Easter Bunny Brawl Is A Fugitive & Talks About His Furry Fist Fight”
You love to see it. Cartoon mascots have a lot of rage built up already, and it seems like the guy behind/inside the Easter Bunny was just waiting for an opportunity to release some of it. So when he saw another man attacking a woman he dove right in to protect her and try and break up the altercation. The police apparently thought it was some kind of bit or gimmick at first, but the man inside the suit maintains it was a random encounter. And he got his bunny suit from Walmart. -SB
2. “Florida Man Driving Car Full of Stolen Mail Crashes into Trailer Full of Alpacas”
This one sounds like something out of Looney Tunes. A Florida man crossed state lines with a car full of stolen mail (oop, now it’s a federal crime) and only got caught because he crashed into a trailer full of Alpacas and then tried to flee the scene of the accident. Unfortunately one Alpaca was seriously hurt, which turns a funny story heart breaking, but the headline itself is still an absolute cracker. -SB
1. “Florida Mayor Smokes Crack, Eats Meth, Practices Medicine Without a License, Fires on SWAT Team.”
This … this is perfect. The greatest Florida man headline so far. It’s got meth, unlicensed medical procedures, and ill-advised combat with the authorities. It doesn’t involve Walmart, but I think we can overlook that on the basis that this isn’t just a Florida Man; this is Florida Mayor, and as the elected leader of Florida men and women everywhere (shh, I know that’s not how it works), clearly he had to go big or go home.
To clarify, Dale Massad, now the former mayor of Port Richey, did at one time possess a medical license, but voluntarily gave it up in response to a malpractice accusation involving the death of a patient. Rather than let that stop him, he allegedly switched to working from home (very 2020 of him). He is also accused of consuming large quantities of drugs during his time in office, including just prior to golfing (which, as someone who has never done meth but unfortunately has played golf, seems almost understandable). There are also the allegations of conspiracy to intimidate a police officer (recorded via the jail phone he was allegedly using to plan this) and firing on the SWAT team that raided his house, because I guess if you’re never going to be able to go home again, all that’s left is going big. -SB
(featured image: Universal Pictures)
Published: May 15, 2024 03:29 pm