Warning: if you are actually mourning the death of Queen Elizabeth II, please stop reading now.
Seriously. If you respect the Queen, her life and works, and the concept of The Monarchy, stop reading.
I warned you.
All right bitches, so I having been taking line after line of Irish Twitter to the face for like a solid week and a half now and I am HOPPED UP ON BEING A HATER. My ancestors were Irish and I found out the other day that Irish people came over to American not because of a food shortage due to the famine, but due to the fact that the British Crown was importing food from Ireland while the people starved to death. So to honor my ancestors, I am going to be a petty bitch and have an absolute laugh and a half talking about this: The CODENAMES they use for when a Queen, like the hit song by a band of the same name suggests, bites the dust.
Queen Elizabeth II: London Bridge
So I was TODAY YEARS OLD when I found out that the security team for the Royal Fam uses CODENAMES to refer to the protocol they use whenever one said Fam kicks the bucket. And guess what the Queen’s is?: “London Bridge.” Because of course it is! London Bridge “has fallen” I suppose is the implicit punchline. But honestly I’m really hoping that they said that every time the Queen falls over. Like if she trips over one of her royal slippers made from the skins of some endangered animal or whatever. I honestly want to see a Life Alert commercial featuring somebody playing the Queen that goes “Help! London Bridge has fallen and she can’t get up!”
Now what I’m also wondering is if the protocol also calls for Fergie’s 2006 hit song “London Bridge” to play when the Queen croaks. If it doesn’t that is the tragedy for which the world should be in mourning. I mean the Irish football stadiums were already singing “Lizzy’s in a box” the second they found out, much to the glee of the internet at large. But honestly I hope that we can get London Bridge trending again and so the Queen’s death does for Fergie what Stranger Things did for Kate Bush’s career. If we we’re gonna bring something back from the dead, it might as well be mid 00s pop music and not the former leader of a brutal colonial power. But that’s just my opinion.
Prince Phillip: Forth Bridge
So when the racist old Prince Phillip died at the ripe old age of 99, “Forth Bridge” was the Codename that they used. And I’m like “where the fuck is the Forth Bridge”? Yes I’m aware London has other bridges beside London Bridge, but why not pick one I’ve heard of? Why not Tower Bridge? That’s a good bridge! It’s iconic! On second thought, it’s probably a little too good a bridge for a man who famously said deplorable things about East Asian people, aboriginal people, and basically anyone else that wasn’t a leathery old white man. When he died the security was probably like “wait who the fuck is Forth Bridge again? We forgot all about that one. Should have given him a codename for a more memorable bridge like ‘Terabithia’ or ‘A Bridge Too Far.'”
King Charles: Menai Bridge
Ah yes! The 73 year old man who finally got a job! Congratulations to King Charles III. He still lives at home at his mum’s house, but at least he’s taking baby steps! So apparently when King Charles bites it the codename is Menai Bridge. Menai Bridge isn’t even a bridge in England. Menai Bridge is a bridge that links Wales to the island of Anglesey, and I’m sure the Welsh are just tickled by the fact the a member of the RoFo is named after one of their bridges. The Welsh love The Monarchy, especially after they colonized them and have proceeded to denigrate the Welsh people to this day. But not Charlie! The Welsh people love Charlie! And Charlie loves the Welsh people. He was once the Prince of Wales after all! He loves the Welsh people so much that he actually went to Wales to learn Welsh! His Welsh language teacher thought “Thank God! Finally a Royal is paying attention to the fact that our language is dying out! Maybe things will change!” And did they? Of course not. Once Old Charlie Horse’s Welsh lessons were over, he couldn’t be bothered to speak the language ever. He did it a little bit in the beginning, but no doubt gave up because it was “too hawd”. And that’s fair! If you’re a 73 year old man who’s never done an honest day’s work in his entire life, you’d probably think that using you “brain” to “do things” is pretty hawd too!
The Queen Mother: Tay Bridge
The Queen Mother gets a bridge too! The Tay Bridge is located in Scotland, and anyone who has paid an ounce of attention to world politics (or even heard of Braveheart) can probably make an educated guess on how the Scottish people feel about that little tidbit of info! But who could possibly hate the Queen Mother? She was such a sweet lady! When she was visiting South Africa, a man ran up behind her carriage with a 10 shilling note to give to her, and she said thank you by bashing him over the head with her parasol! Then she let the police tackle him to the ground! Just like anyone’s kind old grandmother would have done, right? But despite that little affair, she was a driven woman with a true calling to help. She was called to help herself to the finest luxuries in the entire world! That’s right, when the Queen Mother died at the ripe old age of 101, she left $9 million in debt behind her! She insisted on having expensive jewelry, couture clothing, and “vintage champagne”! She even had a stable full of 12 racehorses! Did she ever race them herself? Hell NO! She was called to help herself so much that she actually became the most expensive royal to maintain since Marie Antionette! Apparently her security team were all huge fans of her because they rehearsed the Tay Bridge protocol regularly for 22 years! And they probably kept their fingers crossed the entire time just wishing the old girl’s heart would give out so they wouldn’t have to spend the their days bathing her Dom Perignon or orphan blood or whatever she used to live for over a century. God Save The Queen! And the rest of us from her!
(Featured image credit: Phil Noble – WPA Pool/Getty Images)
