Denizens of the internet, gird your loins.
In a move that will certainly please paragon of free speech Elon Musk (despite his recent banning spree), Facebook and Instagram have finally caved under pressure and are set to unban the former president. God, could you imagine explaining this to someone from 1914? What is the modern world coming to? I guess it’s easier to explain than the recent M&Ms culture war. That was a new low for all of us.
According to the Huffington Post, Instagram and Facebook are set to reinstate Trump’s social media accounts “in the coming weeks.” The statement comes directly from Meta, the parent company of the two platforms.
However, Trump’s return will not come without restraints. Thank God. In a press release regarding the reinstatement, Nick Clegg, the company’s president of global affairs, declared that the Drumptruck will return “with new guardrails in place to deter repeat offenses.” I’m not sure that calling the restrictions “guardrails” makes me feel any safer. Have you seen those things? If you’re driving up a winding mountain road and you miss a turn at full speed, I don’t think that flimsy piece of metal is going to prevent you from going over the side. And we all know that Trumperino has only one setting: Full speed. 24/7.
“In light of his violations, he now also faces heightened penalties for repeat offenses—penalties which will apply to other public figures whose accounts are reinstated from suspensions related to civil unrest under our updated protocol,” said Clegg. Oh boy, penalties! What penalties? A fine? Get in line. Trump owes half the city of New York money. Do they really think they’re gonna get anything out of him? The only other thing they can threaten him with is banning him again.
And they better keep their word, because if there is one thing we learned about ol’ Dumpy Don, it’s that he doesn’t follow the rules. Ever. The man cheats. The man even cheats in his spare time. I mean, just look at his checkered history with the sport of golf. He picks up golf balls and moves them, and that’s exactly what he’s gonna do with these “guardrails” if either of these social media platforms give him an inch.
“In the event that Mr. Trump posts further violating content, the content will be removed and he will be suspended for between one month and two years, depending on the severity of the violation,” added Clegg. Cool. But … you already did that? I mean, isn’t the whole thing about punishment that it gets worse every time you break the rules? Isn’t that the only way that people learn? If Trump can be away from his precious platforms for two years, a month is gonna be a cake walk. What if instead they install a joy buzzer in his computer keyboard? That way, he’ll get a little jolt every time he tires to post his inflammatory bullshit. And by “little jolt” I mean “10,000 volts.”
This reinstatement is perfectly timed, as the Trump 2024 campaign has been lobbying its orange ass off to get the guy reinstated on all platforms. In case you forgot, he was removed for INCITING A RIOT AT THE CAPITOL BUILDING on January 6. I didn’t think that you could come BACK from something like that. That really feels like “lifetime ban” material. I guess these platforms don’t draw the line at criminal activity? What about felonies? Treason? Sedition? Isn’t “inciting to riot” an actual crime? Not to you guys? Alright, cool, just wanted to make sure.
Apparently the Trump campaign thinks that Trump’s ban is more criminal than his actual crimes. “Every day that President Trump’s political voice remains silenced furthers an inappropriate interference in the American political and election process,” is one of the many laughable sentiments they jotted down in their letter to Meta. Don’t you guys already get away with enough? In fact, you all should be THRILLED by the way that Meta has treated you all in the past. After all, the rules at Facebook make it so that politicians and their campaign messages are specifically exempt from fact-checking. And we all know how much you and Donny boy love your lies, don’t we?
Meanwhile, Trump himself is playing hard to get. I can’t blame him, Facebook and Instagram are probably the only entities in the world with which he can play hard to get. It’s not like anyone has expressed any sort of sexual interest in him recently. Or possibly ever. Trump is making up for that fact by claiming that Facebook is apparently more interested in him than he’s interested in them. It really sounds like he’s trying to get an ex back, doesn’t it? He also wants us all to think that he’s winning the breakup, because he went on Fox News and told them that his split with Facebook cost the company $700 billion. Right, sure. His presence on facebook is almost 200 billion dollars more valuable than Tesla as a company. Can we get a fact check on that? Facebook? Oh, sorry, I forgot you don’t do that sort of thing.
Don’t believe the hype. Trump is as desperate as a lovesick high-schooler to have his ex back. In 2021, he sued Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube for breaking up with him, claiming that the loss of their support cost his businesses “potentially trillions of dollars”—more money than all of his companies have ever made or will ever make in a hundred lifetimes. The lawyers aren’t having it, and neither are we.
Nevertheless, Twitter CEO and Free Speech Martyr Elon Musk reinstated Trump’s account on the platform in 2022. Apparently Musk thought that bestowing “First Amendment rights” to a psychopath was the perfect hill to die on. Ironically enough, Trump hasn’t tweeted at all. Nope. Not even once. Why not? Because he played himself. He is contractually obligated not to post anything on any platform unless he first makes a post on his own half-bankrupt platform—Truth Social—at least six hours prior. And that’s a delicious bit of irony that we can all enjoy.
(featured image: Cliff Hawkins, Getty Images)
